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WANTED
EXPERT RIDERS
YOUNG, SKINNY, WIRY FELLOWS
ORPHANS PREFERRED
MUST BE WILLING TO
FACE DEATH DAILY
WAGES $5.00 PER WEEK
Man: Help you, sonny?
Kid: It’s me, on the sign outside.
Teaspoon: You will ride seventy-five miles one day, flat out.
Cody: That’d kill the horses.
Teaspoon: You will change mounts five or six times a day.
Teaspoon: Boys, I’m here to learn you my bag of tricks. You will learn ‘em good.
Teaspoon: If it’s trouble you want, you’ll get a belly full.
Teaspoon: What is your name?
Cody: Cody. William F. Cody. "Billy" if you’d like.
Teaspoon: I don’t like.
"You don’t need to impress me, Cody. I ain’t gonna be chasin’ you." Teaspoon, after Cody shows off his skill with the rifle
Teaspoon (to Lou): You sure you can cut this work? You look to me to be a might puny.
"Puny, but spry." Teaspoon, after Lou demonstrates her equestrian ability
Teaspoon: This outfit didn’t hire orphans for nothin’.
Emma: They’re not orphans while I’m around.
Sam: Why don’t you ask me out to your place sometime? I could use a nice, quiet meal.
Emma: We tried that. You got bored.
Sam (optimistic): Well, let’s, uh . . . try it again.
Emma (with a smile): I’ll think on it.
Jimmy: The one with the scar back there? How’d you know he was gonna back down?
Sam: Well, I figured a man carryin’ so many guns, he must be afraid of everything.
"A girl with no ma, no pa, no kin. What’s left for me? Scrubbin’ floors, or worse?" Lou, on why she joined the Pony Express
"I expect I got more expertise than most." Teaspoon, when the Kid has a question about women
Teaspoon: Some people get married, and they call it love . . . but it weren’t really who they thought it was in the first place. So, the years pass by, and you find out you done married up to a stranger. So. The question is. If they’s married to a stranger, who was they with all that time before?
Scarface Guy: First, I’m gonna finish my coffee, and then I’m gonna kill you.
Kid: It’s gonna take some gettin’ used to, now that you’re a girl.
Lou: I’ve . . . always been a girl, Kid.
"Nothin’ personal friend, but I could eat me a horse." Cody, to the horse he rode in on
Longley: Calvin LeBrock? Lon Thatcher sends his regards.
LeBrock: Tell him to go to hell.
Longley (brightly): Oh, I’m sure he plans to.
Emma: Hope you boys are hungry.
Cody: I was born hungry, Emma.
Teaspoon: I suppose you don’t know that gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins?
Cody: Yeah? What are the others?
Teaspoon: Let’s see there’s, uh …
[He thinks and smiles, then sobers.]
Teaspoon: Never mind.
Cody: Well, don’t matter. I’ll get around to ‘em, sooner or later.
[Buck watches Hickok venturing closer to a rattlesnake.]
Buck: He takes one bite out of you, it’s all over, my friend.
Jimmy: Maybe I’ll take a bite out of him.
"Remember, Hickok. There’s always one more waitin’." Buck, after killing a second rattlesnake that Hickok didn’t see
Lou: What’s wrong with Jimmy?
Cody: Must be somethin’ he ate.
Kid: Or somethin’ eatin’ him…
[The Kid was trying on cologne.]
Lou: You smell like a whorehouse!
Kid: What? . . . How would you know?
Jimmy: Well, if I spooked your horse, I didn’t mean to.
Longley: No, that doesn’t sound like an apology to me.
Jimmy: Sorry . . . but apologizing’s something I only do on Sundays. Today is Tuesday.
"I’m not lookin’ for trouble, but I see it in his eyes. Sooner or later, one of us is going to have to take him on." Longley, to Marshall Kane about Hickok
"Buyin’ supplies can be tiresome, but I never did know it to start a war." Teaspoon, walking up on Jimmy and The Kid fighting
[Teaspoon and Jimmy are in a sweat lodge.]
Jimmy: You mind tellin’ me what we’re doing here?
Teaspoon: Sweatin’.
[Someone knocks at the back jail door.]
Marshall Kane: Go ‘round front!
Voice: Can’t!
Marshall Kane: Sure you can. Move your right leg, then your left leg, then your right leg again. Sooner or later, you’ll get there.
"If you ever hit me again . . . I’ll forget you’re my friend." Jimmy, to Kid
Emma: There’s no difference between you and Jimmy - except that he’s too young to know better.
Marshall Kane: What do you want from me, Emma?
Emma: I guess I want what you can’t give me.
"If you’re still here when the sun goes down, I’ll forget I have a badge." Marshall Kane, to Longley
Teaspoon: You know, son, you’d be a lot cooler if you took that shirt of yours off.
Lou (quickly): I’m fine.
Emma: Was it worth it?
Jimmy: I had no choice.
Emma: Did you want one?
"My Pony Express riders over here. Fine bunch of boys . . . Most of the time anyway." Emma, introducing the guys to her attractive friend
Cody: I’m in love.
Jimmy: With yourself.
Lou (about the girl the others are admiring): What do you think, Kid?
Kid (abruptly stopping staring at the girl): Safer not to.
Lou: Alright, she’s beautiful. But can she ride?
Jimmy: Funny, I was just thinking that.
Emma: Well, Jimmy, Cody, you’re both wrong. She was smilin’ at Lou.
Jimmy: At Lou?
Cody: Lou?
Emma: I guess she takes a shine to the silent type.
"Someone in this group’s gotta show some style." Cody, considering getting his hat re-lined
Teaspoon: Pride is a cheap commodity. It can leave a man when he’s been whupped and kicked. Pride goes on, comes off easy, like that hat. But self-respect, nobody can take that from you. Goes clear to the bone.
Knickerson (laughing, to Ike): Is that right, dummy? You really can’t talk?
Teaspoon (very serious): The only dumb thing, mister, is you callin’ that boy a name.
[Shots are fired.]
Kid: Emma, get down!
Emma: Get down yourself!
Buck: He says it’s not our problem.
Jimmy: Man sends someone to kill me, I made it my problem.
Buck (translating for Ike): "They came for me."
Kid (to Ike): Then they came for us.
Cody: Somebody’s gonna have to slow ‘em down.
Jimmy: Somebody’s my middle name!
"One thing’s for sure: it ain’t a sign of welcome." Kid, about an Indian drawing left at the scene of an attack
[The riders learn about recent Kiowa attacks.]
Cody: Look at the bright side, Jimmy. Maybe we’ll get a few days’ rest while they find us a route around ‘em.
Lou: Around ‘em? Hell, they’ll send us through ‘em!
Lou: We didn’t go lookin’ for no trouble. Honest
Emma: Didn’t go lookin’ for a way around it, neither.
Teaspoon: As far as the Pony Express is concerned, if one rider don’t make it, the next one will.
Cody: Somebody tell that to the Kiowa.
Jimmy: Somebody tell that to the Army.
Teaspoon: Indians is fightin’ for their way of life . . . Just like our kin fought the British almost a hundred years ago. Except the Indians is called savages. Our kin was called patriots. Probably because they won.
Jimmy: Fine. Next time an Indian chases me, I’ll get off my horse and sing him Yankee Doodle.
Cody: Then he’ll kill ya for sure.
Red Bear: At least in battle there is honor.
Buck: But the white man, he doesn’t fight for honor. He fights for land.
"I will see you in the land behind the sun, my brother." Red Bear, parting ways with Buck
Cody: You snuck out last night?
Buck: I had to see someone.
Jimmy: Who?
Buck: My half brother.
Jimmy: Which half? White or red?
Buck: You all don’t know the first thing about my people.
Lou: Your people? Which side are you on?
Buck: No side.
Jimmy: Better pick one.
"There’s this Indian saying: white man thinks with his head, but an Indian thinks with his heart. When your heart’s in two pieces like Buck’s, that’s a . . . tricky bit of business." Teaspoon, explaining Buck’s dilemma to the others
Emma: Every time one of them kids rides out . . . tears me up they might not ever come back.
Teaspoon: Emma, they stopped bein’ kids the first day they took a run. People shoot at you, you grow up quick.
Emma: Shoulda had more time to be kids. Be brought up proper.
Teaspoon: Well, if they’re willin’ to fight for each other, we must be doin’ something right.
[Lou has tried on a dress at a store, and Kid just stares at her with admiration.]
Lou: Say somethin’.
Kid (appreciatively): Damn.
Saleslady: That’s it? What are you, blind? She’s beautiful.
Kid: I don’t know if I’ll ever look at you again and not see you like this.
Lou: Is that good?
Kid: It depends on who’s watching.
Lou (about being able to wear a dress): You can’t imagine how good it feels.
Kid (suggestively flirty): Good thing I can’t.
Kid: Save that dress for when you come home?
Lou (teasing): You look better in pants.
Jimmy: We did good today, huh.
Kid: Yeah. We didn’t shoot anybody.
Jimmy: Should be easy.
Cody: Like walkin’ on water.
Biggs: Now, who are you?
Lou: Don’t you know?
Biggs: How the hell should I know?
Lou: Mary Louise McCloud . . . was my mother.
Biggs: That’s impossible. I had two daughters and one son.
Lou (after a brief pause): You still do.
Biggs: Louise.
Jimmy: A girl.
Lou: Something wrong with that?
Jimmy: Only thing wrong is I didn’t see it sooner. I’m tellin’ you, Lou, it’s a relief, ‘cause the way you and Kid been lookin’ at each other all this time . . . Hell, I even caught myself lookin’ at you like that a couple times.
Jimmy (to Lou): All I’m gonna say is that . . . you’re the best lookin’ boy I ever seen.
Cody: I wouldn’t let that go to your head, Lou. I seen him lookin’ at his horse the same way.
[The vet checks Katy, Kid’s horse.]
Kid: Alls I can say is, her walkin’ just seems a tiny bit off.
Doc Wheeler: You sure she’s not just tryin’ to get out of ridin’ in the rain?
Kid: What’s a colored man doin’ out here?
Buck: What do you mean?
Kid (after a pause): Back in Virginia, we’re just not used to seein’ em out.
Lou: Out of their place?
Kid: I don’t mean that.
Lou: You’re a long way from Virginia, Kid.
Cody: Come on, Jimmy. We got a corral to fix.
Jimmy: You’re gonna need your jaw fixed, you wake me up like that again.
"I didn’t tell him nothin’. As miraculous as it may seem to you gentlemen, some people can manage to do the right thing without getting a kick in the pants." Teaspoon, to Jimmy and Cody. Teaspoon illustrates his point by kicking Cody in the butt.
Kid: One thing’s for sure. He belongs to somebody.
Teaspoon: Kid . . . I know where you come from slavery’s a way of life, but there’s still some thinkin’ you could do on it.
Ulysses: They ain’t gonna stop until they bring me back. That’s why I got to leave.
Emma: That’s why you got to stay. You can’t run forever.
Ulysses: You’d be risking a town full of enemies . . . I can’t ask you to do that.
Kid: Don’t have to ask.
[Ike signs to Buck.]
Buck: Ike says we were never that popular in town to begin with.
[The others laugh.]
Cody: Speak for yourself, Ike.
Deputy: What are you gonna tell the townfolk?
Sam: As much of the truth as they’re willing to hear.
Jimmy (impassioned): I’m tellin’ ya. She was the most beautiful woman I ever seen.
The Kid: Sounds like you made a hell of an impression of yourself.
Cody: Yeah. One close look at you and she took off for the next county.
Teaspoon: This all kinda reminds me of the story of the three frogs. One day, this here girl frog devised a jumpin’ contest ‘tween a couple bullfrogs that caught her eye. Well the first frog jumped like there was no tomorrow, while the second one was real careful and took his time.
Lou: What happened?
Teaspoon: Well, the first bull frog, he overshot the mark and had to double back, while the second one plopped along nice ‘n easy and got there right about the same time.
Cody: So which frog got the girl?
Teaspoon: Neither. By that time she was tired of both of um and went on to the next pond. Funny thing about girl frogs. You don’t catch them. They catch you.
Teaspoon: Fire you? Why would I do a fool thing like that?
Lou: 'Cause I’m a girl, remember?
Teaspoon: That mean you don’t sit a saddle as well, ride as hard, or shoot as straight?
Lou: No... but the company’s got rules, and you work for the company.
Teaspoon: Company’s company... And family’s family. You’re family, dammit. And family sticks together.
Lou: Yesterday I did something no self-respectin’ woman would ever do.
Rachel (intrigued): Really? What?
Lou (scandalous): I walked in on Kid in the shower.
Rachel: So?
Lou: So, I didn’t walk out, leastways not as fast as I should.
Rachel: Where’d you get the idea men and women are all that different?
Lou: Well, in the shower, for one place.
Lou (dressed as a saloon girl): How do I look?
Jimmy: Definitely missed your calling.
Jimmy: Cody, ya know the trouble with you is you're always making mud out of clear water.
Cody: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna keep my money in my sock from now on.
Jimmy: Lord knows you ain't hurting for room there, seeing how your foot is usually in your mouth.
Cathleen: What did he want?
Buck: He wanted to buy you.
Cathleen: He wanted to buy me?
Buck: He offered me three ponies.
Cathleen: And what did you tell him?
Buck: I asked for four.
Kid: Ever since you all found out that Lou was a girl, she's been acting more and more like a woman!
Kid: Jimmy?
[No answer]
Kid: Jimmy!?
Jimmy: You got something to say, Kid, or do you just like the sound of my name?
Kid: I thought you said it was a good day to die.
Curly: Mmm, tomorrow is better.
Jimmy: Kid, you got all the answers. Problem is, they ain't to my questions.
Lou (quoting Teaspoon): 'Son, there's only one thing you can't save a person from and that's themselves.'
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