Richard: Look, I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm one of those artists who won't be discovered until after he's dead. Now, I know it sounds morbid, but it gives me something to look forward to.
Kenneth: Well, they said your work would be perfect in my gallery. Have you ever had a show, Richard?
Richard: Only on my mother's refrigerator...but it ran for eight years.
Richard: Now, feel free to be honest. I'm very open to criticism.
Kenneth: Hmm.
Richard: Oh yeah? Who the hell are you to judge me?
Caroline: You know I'm no good at dumping people. I couldn't even bring myself to switch drycleaners 'til my old one died.
Annie: You are pathetic!
Caroline: I am not pathetic. When I gave the eulogy at my drycleaner's funeral, then I was pathetic.
Richard: "Ketchup"? Oh, why am I not surprised by your completely reductionist perception of my work?
Del: Hey, who are you calling a reductionist?
Richard: You!
Caroline: Guys, guys, come on. Richard, stop calling Del a reductionist. Del, stop being a reductionist.
Richard: You know, actually, though it's none of your business, Shelly and I have successfully broken up.
Del: Oh, you finally dumped her.
Richard: No, I don't dump people! I graciously disengage.
Del: Oh, so you lied to her.
Del: What do you mean? You're going to give up two hundred dollars just because you're a little embarrassed? I'd walk down the street naked for two hundred dollars.
Caroline: You'd do that for fifteen. We already determined that last Halloween.
Del: Caroline, you've cancelled four times. My mother thinks my imaginary friend is back. Come on, Caroline, she's not that bad.
Caroline: Del, this is the woman who tried to fix you up with someone else on your wedding day.
Richard: So, how did you find out it was my birthday?
Caroline: It was on your job application.
Richard: And I thought that little piece of paper had already done its damage.
Richard: Excuse me, but what do you people think I do on my birthday?
Caroline: I don't know, I just assumed you curled up with a handful of dirt from your homeland and waited 'til dawn.
Richard: Nope, that's New Years.
Caroline: And for my next trick I'm going to make my boyfriend disappear. I say the magic words. Opera.
Richard: Well, will you look at that - girl talk, and me without a uterus.
Caroline: What's she got you doing this time?
Richard: She's taken up acupuncture. She thinks I can be in better spiritual balance. Apparently I have an angry yang.
Del: You're telling me.
Richard: Ah, so you're jealous of this guy.
Del: No! I just don't like the idea of some good-looking guy out with my girlfriend.
Richard: I know somebody who's getting a dictionary for Christmas.
Annie: Really? Okay, that sounds like fun. What time?
Caroline: Five AM.
Annie: Oh, I'd love to, but I've got that thing with sleeping.
Annie: Charlie, are you seeing anyone right now?
Charlie: Well, there was this one girl in my apartment complex I was seeing on a regular basis, but then she bought curtains.
Annie: Can you zip me up, please?
Richard: Where in my job description does it say I have to zip up the neighbor?
Annie: Under "Benefits."
Caroline: How was your New Year's Eve?
Richard: Oh, sublime. Scott and Zelda and I shared a cab over to the Stork Club where we drank pink champagne out of Zelda's slipper.
Caroline: You know, a simple 'I stayed in' would've sufficed.
Caroline: Did he just say 'fee' and 'my place'?
Annie: Caroline, do not judge! The profession of gigolo is noble and time-honoured.
Richard: Must you always look at the world through tramp-colored glasses?
Detective: We're looking for a Mr. Richard Karinsky.
Caroline: Why?
Richard: Because my life is like a Kafka novel.
Richard: Now look, just remember to work into the conversation that I'm in demand, I have a lot of other offers, and he better snap me now up while I'm still cheap.
Caroline: Isn't that funny, that's what I was going to say about myself.
Caroline: I'm fine.
Richard: Oh, please. You don't have to be proud in front of me, I've seen you eat M&Ms off the floor.
Richard: If you can tell me how you plan to get this through the door, I'll give you a standing ovation.
Caroline: It'll fit. Trust me, I'm an artist. I know spatial relationships.
Richard: You're a cartoonist. You probably think we could just lift the wall and slide it under.
Annie (watching a man at a department store): Bogie at three o'clock. He's walking towards the cardigans. Ugh, very Mister Rogers. He's putting it down - good boy! He's walking towards the pullovers. Yellow V-neck. Ugh, could be gay, could be Ivy League. Wait a minute...bingo, navy crew-neck. Stable, classic sense of style, yet comfortable and casual. I think we've found our man. Let's move in.
Caroline: Annie, look at him, he's gorgeous. He's got to have a girlfriend.
Annie: Well, that'll teach her to let him out of the house alone. See? Everybody wins!
Caroline: Um, I'm sorry, I don't really work here. This might sound a little bit crazy, but my friend over there is trying to get me to meet men. So, if you could just write your phone number on a piece of paper for me, it doesn't have to be your actual phone number, any seven digits will do. It might get her off my back for, say, the rest of the afternoon.
Scott: That's no problem. Look, here's my card, and I'm just thinking out loud here, you know, maybe if we had a few kids together, that might keep her quiet for a whole week.
Caroline: You're not actually a handsome, funny, single guy, are you?
Scott: They didn't put that on my card? I'm going to have to talk to the printer about that.
Caroline: Look, it's not like I turned him down, although I did get the feeling that Richard thought the whole thing was a big mistake.
Annie: Well, of course Big Chief Black Cloud is going to dump all over it. You know, he's got a thing for you.
Caroline: Richard?
Maddie: Oh, you're married? Oh, you SUCK! Oh, MEN SUCK!
Richard: No, she's not my wife, she's my boss.
Maddie: Oh, well then you are just pathetic!
Richard: Caroline is marrying someone else.
Maddie: Well, she's not married yet. Go after her!
Richard: Right. Look, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly a people person. I don't do too well with love. Every relationship that's ever meant anything to me, I've...destroyed, singlehandedly. I have driven them all away. I just don't want that to happen with Caroline. I am not going to take that risk again.
Angie: I'm feeling that pain in my chest again. What with this one being a cat dancer-
Annie: Ma! I am not a cat dancer, I am a dancer in "Cats"!
Angie: Then what's a cat dancer?
Annie: I don't know!
James: Bring along that assistant of yours, what's his name, Scooter, Scotty, Skippy, whoever.
Caroline: Richard?
Del: I want to surprise Caroline by learning how to dance for the wedding. Will you teach me?
Annie: Sure. How bad are you?
Del: I'm a white guy from Connecticut.
Annie: Enough said.
Richard: Ugh. Damn subway. No air conditioner, crowds of huddled masses. Now I know why they call it a melting pot. I have perspiration stains that aren't even mine!
Richard: I merely made an observation.
Caroline: Well, no-one asked you. I mean, no-one saw anything wrong with the cereal until you pointed it out to them. You're like this big pointing-out guy that...points thing out!
Natalie: Look at you, why are you all dressed in black?
Richard: I'm a ninja warrior now, mother.
Natalie: Richard! I'm so glad you came by before I left.
Richard: You can do it to your kids, you can do it to Dad, but you can not do it to Caroline.
Angie: Oh no, it's an omen! You dream of another man the night before the wedding?
Caroline: Angie, it wasn't the night before the wedding. It was the night before the day before the day before the wedding.
Angie: Look at that. She's already speaking in tongues!
Angie: You lose the priest the day before the day before the wedding? It's an omen!
Caroline: It's not an omen. We got a new priest. A Father...Damian.
Caroline: You see, I always hoped for this... sincere amore, a love that you don't have to question.
Joe (to Salty): We're going to make sure you're okay, little guy.
Caroline: Actually, she's a little girl.
Joe: Boy, you miss one day of vet school...
Joe: Hey. I was starting to think you might not show.
Caroline: Oh, you know the over-thirty crowd. Got to move slow, don't want to break a hip.
Joe: Listen, Caroline, last night was really...wow! You know, I'm the kind of guy that can tell within the first two minutes if a relationship's going somewhere or not.
Caroline: Oh really? 'Cause usually I have to live with the guy for three months and loan him lots of money before I know.
Caroline: What was in that letter, anyway?
Richard: Uh...it was nothing. It was just...it was a wedding limerick. There once was a girl from Wisconsin, something something Charles Bronson. It really wasn't my best work.
Vicki: You're really going to go for it with this guy? Annie says he's like seven years younger than you!
Caroline: I like to think of it as eighty-three months, and shut up.
Caroline (reading a fortune cookie): 'The dog with a thousand faces still eats from one bowl.' What does that mean?
Richard: It means they now have crack in China.
Caroline: What does yours say, Richard?
Richard: My fortune cookie was empty, which, by the way, is the title of my autobiography.
Annie: I just got off the phone with some schmo from the IRS who tells me I'm being audited for 1993! I don't remember 1993! That was the year I discovered Jello shots!
Del: You're Jewish. Can't you help me out?
Richard: What, you want me to stand outside her window and be your Cyrano de Berkowitz?
Del: And the best part is, I was such a hit with her folks last night that Risa has invited me away for the weekend to, shall I say, consummate the relationship.
Caroline: Are you serious?
Del: Why, was that not the right word?
Annie: What are you doing?
Richard: I'm going home. The same thing you do after you get out of bed and find your clothes.
Annie: Come on, you don't want to miss Caroline's date! Can't miss Quasimodo! Actually, it's been two years. He's probably a full modo by now.
Caroline: Uh, can I talk to you for a second? You see, your son Richard works for me.
Ben: Ah! You're the cartoonist?
Caroline: Oh, he told you about me? What did he say?
Ben: That you're a cartoonist.
Annie: Well, that's progress. Up until two months ago, he was telling everyone he worked at Dunkin' Donuts.
Annie (trying on shoes): They fit fine! All I need is a shoe horn.
Caroline: You need more than the horn, you need the entire brass section.
Ben: Wait a minute, we need a girl for the sketch! You can be the girl.
Caroline: What? Me? I can't be a girl!
Caroline: You didn't butcher this Richard.
Richard: Oh, come on Caroline.
Caroline: No, I mean, you did something. You took a leap.
Richard: If you tell me to turn my frown upside-down, I swear I'm gonna vomit.
Caroline: Well, what was I supposed to do?
Annie: First of all, repeat after me. Men suck!
Caroline: Well, not all men.
Annie: Yes, Caroline, all men given enough time will eventually end up sucking.
Caroline (drunk): What's wrong with me?
Richard: Other than the fact that you qualify as an opened container?
Richard: Ugh. God, I hate Mondays.
Caroline: It's Tuesday, Richard.
Richard: I know. I'm still trying to get over yesterday.
Angie: No, I'm going to stay with you for a few days. Didn't I tell you?
Annie: No, I think I would've remembered you saying that, 'cause I would have had chunks of my own hair in my hands.
Melody (about wrapping gifts): What are you doing? The bow never touches the gift directly. Bow, paper, box, tissue, gift.
Richard: Window, push, pavement, splat, relief.
Caroline (to Richard): It's good to know you spread this kind of joy everywhere you work.
Annie: Well, I've been through this before, I know what to do. My father is reasonable. I call him, sit him down, get him to work out their problems. If that doesn't work, I tell them that you and I are getting married, and they freak out and cling to each other.
Caroline: I thought your parents liked me.
Richard: You know, actually, there will be a lot of rich people there and maybe one of them has taste.
Annie: And maybe one of the others will buy your painting.
Richard: Here you see I've moved away from my blue period, into a more of a brown statement, because, um...brown was on sale.
Richard: Nothing is going on. My relationship with Gina is purely about my art and my talent.
Annie: Richard, we've all seen your art.
Del: She wants to see your talent.
Richard: Look, I know this is a long shot, but is there any way an artist of my calibre could have his work reviewed by someone as esteemed as yourself?
Hilton: It's possible. If you could arrange for the destruction of everything on this planet except for me and your art, I'm certain boredom would get the better of me and eventually I would look at it.
Richard: Do you know what the worst part is? John Chang, this guy I went to art school with, he was just killed, and now he's hanging on Arabian's wall!
Charlie: How come they didn't bury him?
Caroline: You wouldn't strike a woman holding out a check to you, would you?
Richard: Whoa, whoa, whoa, look at all those zeroes! Who is Daniel Cowen, and what'd you tell him I would do for this? Because I'll do it, I just need to know what to wear!
Julia: Where is Richard?
Caroline: Uh, he's out with some friends.
Julia: Richard has friends?
Caroline: Yeah, it's a new thing he's trying.
Del: Okay. You know my sister Vanessa? She's a couple of years older than me, right?
Caroline: Yeah.
Del: Well, sometimes mom would make her and her boyfriend take me to the movies. I hated it! They'd talk about things over my head, they'd laugh at things I didn't get. They had this language, this connection, and I always felt like an outsider. That's the way I always felt around you and Richard. I mean, you and me, nice. You and Richard...
Caroline: I'm sorry.
Del: Hey, hey. Don't be sorry for me, be happy for you!
Caroline (making a toast): We all spend a lot of time and energy looking for that one person in the world who could make us whole. And when you do, you should do exactly what you two have done, and seize the moment. Congratulations, Richard and Julia. We should all be so lucky.
Julia: Caroline, I apologize if Richard is late. This is completely my fault. You see, in Rome we do not live by the clock. When you're Italian, you're always late. Capisce.
Annie: Hey, I'm Italian, and I'm always on time.
Julia: Really? I do not recall where New Jersey lies in the boot of Italy.
Annie: Let me get a boot, I'll show ya.
Caroline: I gave him some advice, and I think maybe he might have a talk with Julia.
Annie: You gave him advice? Caroline, this is Richard's marriage! Either you do the right thing and try to destroy it, or stay out of it!
Richard: She's suing me! Why did you invite her?
Julia: I thought that maybe she'd drop the case if she saw where you lived.
Remo: Let me tell you. When you hit forty, hair grows everywhere, but on your head. I think it just gets too tired to climb all the way to the top.
Del (reading the newspaper): "That feisty young woman symbolizes everything that is wholesome and positive about our town.’"
Caroline: Wow! ‘Feisty and wholesome’! Shoot, and I was going for lethargic and slutty.
Councilman Lake: Boy, you are a lot nicer in your cartoon.
Caroline: And you’re a lot better looking in your poster. But, hey, life is full of surprises.
Annie: Well, Seth is funny, he's really sweet, but he just doesn't match the picture in my head of who I'm supposed to be with. I mean, when I'm with a great-looking guy, I think of myself as sexy. When I'm with a rich guy, I think of myself as glamorous. When I'm with Seth... I don't know, I'm just Annie.
Richard: You didn't tell me you had a date.
Caroline: Well, I don't tell you everything.
Richard: Please. You spent twenty minutes today telling me everything you found in your lint trap.
Richard: Julia should have never put you in this position. God knows, you're making the best of this evening, but with a cheese ball like him, what can you do?
Caroline: What movie are you watching? He's great, you're the problem.
Annie: Why would Richard ever wear a white shirt and a tie?
Caroline: Because he's a superhero fighting tax problems?
Del: Charlie, will you let it go? Besides, what kind of women are we gonna pick up in a minivan?
Charlie: Big ones.
Kristin: The professor's gonna be so bummed. That show was like his whole life. Old people crying is such a buzz chafer!
Caroline: Wait! I don't want to chafe anybody's buzz... especially if that's a bad thing.
Caroline: Hey, Remo. Is Julia here? I HAVE to talk to her.
Remo: Carolina, I would advise against it. She's in the kitchen with a large cleaver, and she stopped speaking English an hour ago.
Del: Caroline, don’t freak out about it. Everyone else in my family loves you!
Caroline: Del, you don’t understand! I’m from Wisconsin, I HAVE to be liked! It’s a lot of pressure, that’s why everyone leaves.
Richard: In that case, why'd you ask?
Caroline: I wanted a man's opinion. Didn't want to use it, but wanted to get it.
Caroline: Listen, Julia. I want to thank you for being such a good sport. I know how bad this looks.
Julia: Oh, Caroline. Please. Don't apologize. Every woman looks terrible without makeup.
Richard: Actually, it’s still kind of a work in progress.
Caroline: So could you just tell me what it’s about?
Richard: Well, all the paintings are supposed to be about the immigrant experience. So mine will probably have... experiential... immigranty things.
Richard: C'mon, the man cut off his daughter's trust fund and disowned her for marrying me. I need somebody to cut the tension. Oh, c'mon. You can do some of that mindless upbeat chatter you're so good at.
Caroline: I do not do mindless upbeat chatter!
Annie: No, no, it makes complete sense. Richard married his daughter, so he has to kill him.
Caroline: Uh huh.
Annie: And he has to kill you for suspecting. And now that I know, he has to kill me and everyone I know!
Caroline: Alright, alright, alright. I'm sufficiently mocked.
Trevor: Now I get it. This is all about Richard leaving.
Caroline: Why is it, every time you and I have a problem, you make it about me and Richard?
Trevor: Because, it always is, Caroline. It always is.
Richard: What, you're already placing an ad? Caroline, I haven't even left yet.
Caroline: Yeah, but you're gonna. You don't need this job anymore. You can paint full-time. Besides, you never really liked it.
Richard (reading): "Peppy"?... You want someone who's peppy?
Caroline: It's just my way of saying "enthusiastic." It weeds out all those cynical, snotty applicants who think this job is beneath them. Not that those people don't make excellent colorists.
Richard: Julia, some of us feel a sense of responsibility to others.
Julia: And some of us are in love with our bosses!
Richard: If it's so hard for you to see me go, why did you hire the first nutcase who walked through the door?
Caroline: Because I couldn't sit across from you at that desk for two weeks trying to figure out how to say goodbye!
Del: But we’re not gay.
Charlie: Well, do you like me?
Del: Yeah.
Charlie: Are you happy about it?
Del: Well, yeah.
Charlie: Happy, gay - same thing.
Phyllis: It’s the hair.
Richard: What?
Phyllis: It’s the hair. You’ve got that whole Fonzie meets Lyle Lovett thing going on up there.
Julia: Richard, relax. This is our new life. The world is our playground.
Richard: Julia, most of my trips to the playground ended badly... and often without pants.
Julia: Trevor, what a lovely surprise. Caroline, what an amusing dress.
Caroline: Yes, I've been laughing about it for hours.
Richard: Have we met?
Jose: I'm Jose. I fight the bull.
Richard: I'm Richard. I paint the canvas.
Trevor: So what should we unpack next?
Caroline: How about your box of emotions? Where is that?
Trevor: Oh, okay. You want an emotion. How about anger, that's a good emotion. Do you know how much time we spend talking about Richard? From the moment I met you, I felt like I was dating a couple. We should just get matching towels, 'His', 'Hers', and 'Richard's'.
Caroline: What the hell's wrong with me? Such a nice guy, and he really, really liked me. Why can't that be enough?
Annie: I don't know. But if it was, you wouldn't have gotten on that plane.
Caroline: Annie just go. I'm gonna cry, and you already saw me cry four times today, and I don't want you to think I'm weak.
"She wasn't you." Richard, to Caroline about why things didn't work out with Julia
"Well, it's about time." the Elevator Lady, after Caroline and Richard share their true feelings
