Quotations 101

He *is* listening.

Frasier 101
» Spoiler Warning: details on this page could spoil any surprise(s) in the story if you have not seen this complete TV series.

Eminent Boston Psychiatrist, Frasier Crane, last seen gracing the bars of Cheers has left his life there to start afresh in Seattle. He now has a spot as a popular radio Psychiatrist, giving him the chance to spread words of wit and wisdom to the masses. He shares his apartment with his retired cop father, Martin, and his father's physical care assistant, Daphne Moon. Add in brother Niles, Eddie the dog, some bizarre situations and plenty of humor and you've got all the ingredients for an excellent show and worthy successor to Cheers.

Frasier: Recap and Review
What makes it so notable? With sharp writing and intelligent humor delivered by a flawless cast, Frasier is truly in a league of its own.
What are its weak points? There were some minor inconsistencies. For example, early on in the series, Martin claims that he never had a brother, but in later seasons, he reunited with his brother at a family wedding.
Verdict: Casual Fan or Big-Time Fangirl? Big-Time Fangirl
Comments: I've heard it said that Frasier set a new standard for excellence on television, and I quite agree. This show demonstrates that it's entirely possible to be smart *and* laugh-out-loud funny.

- Quotes -
The good, the bad, the sad, the funny: the things we wish we'd thought to say first.

[After Frasier's first day of work]
Frasier: In the last week I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career. The first few nerve-wracking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show. Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office.

Frasier: You know the expression, "Living well is the best revenge"?
Niles: It's a wonderful expression. Just don't know how true it is. Don't see it turning up in a lot of opera plots. "Ludwig, maddened by the poisoning of his entire family, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act by living well."

Niles: You haven't heard a word I said.
Frasier: Oh Niles, you're a psychiatrist - you know what it's like to listen to people prattling on endlessly about their mundane lives.
Niles: Touché. And on that subject, I heard your show today.

Frasier: That is Eddie.
Martin: I call him "Eddie Spaghetti."
Daphne: Oh, he likes pasta?
Martin: No, he has worms.

Martin: What about that room right across the hall from mine?
Frasier: My study? You expect me to give up my study - the place where I read, where I do my most profound thinking?
Martin: Use the can like the rest of the world! You'll adjust!

Frasier: Forgive me, I'm not quite myself until I've shaved and showered.
Daphne: Oh, yes. I completely understand about one's morning ablutions. I, for instance, can't stand myself 'til I floss all that gunk out of my teeth...
Frasier: Miss Moon! For future reference, if you could just keep your ablutions on a need-to-know basis...?

Bulldog: Oh, by the way doc, doc, I heard what you said to that kid who fantasizes about killing his parents? You know what I would have told him? Sports. You go out there, break some heads- That'll turn him around.
Frasier: Yes. If only Jeffrey Dahmer had picked up a squash racquet.

Frasier: What are you doing?
Martin: I'm leaving you alone.
Frasier: Well, it's very annoying!

Frasier: So, how do the calls look today?
Roz: Well, we've got a couple of jilted lovers, a man who's afraid of his car, a manic depressive, and three people who feel their lives are going nowhere.
Frasier: Oh, I love a Monday.

Daphne: Well! Aren't you a bobby dazzler?
Frasier: Well, I'll go out on a limb and take that as a compliment.

Niles: Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier! I'm a happily married man! Maris means the world to me. Why, just the other day I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.

Niles (on the phone): Listen, this is Dr. Niles Crane. I've never been treated so shabbily in my entire life and I've a good mind to come over there and create an embarrassing scene.
Frasier: Niles, they've already hung up.
Niles: Ah... thank God!

Daphne: It's nice you feel so dedicated.
Martin: It's a hobby. Some guys build a boat in their garage, I try to figure out why a maniac would kill a hooker and try to stuff her entire body into a bowling bag. It's relaxing!

Niles: Hello, I don't believe we've met.
Roz: Yes we have, Niles, three or four times. Roz Doyle.
Niles: Oh, of course. It was at the... it was during the... well, I'm far too successful to feel awkward. Where did we meet?

Frasier: Yes, well I didn't see you volunteering this afternoon.
Niles: Well, I couldn't. I had my "fear of abandonment" workshop today, and I've already been a no-show twice.

Niles: Dad, this is ludicrous. Why do you keep avoiding the doctor?
Martin: Because I feel fine. I'll go to the doctor when I don't feel fine. Besides, I don't like Dr. Jennings. He's got a model of a colon on his desk: he keeps his tongue depressors in it.

Martin: Did you used to keep your patients waiting like this?
Frasier: Oh, just the compulsives.

Frasier: Why is it that every time we try to have a serious discussion, we end up talking about your sex life?
Roz: Because I have one.

Roz: Because it's impossible to put down. Just read the first paragraph. I guarantee you'll be hooked.
Frasier (reading): "There are tangos that come flowing from the wine seas, from the rust of a hundred sunken ships. This is one of those dances."
Roz: Well?
Frasier: There are books that make your stomach lurch and thrust your lunch ever upwards. This is one of those books!

Frasier: You know how hard it is to lie to someone's face.
Roz: Oh no, it's easy for someone as bright and charming and articulate as you.
Frasier: Well, then perhaps you're right.
Roz: See how easy it is?

Frasier: Dad, I expect an explanation. All this time I thought Eddie had been fixed.
Martin: All you had to do was look.
Frasier: Well, I am glad to say I've never been that bored.

Frasier: From a psychological standpoint, it makes perfect sense. Slowly, over the years, your responsibilities have been taken away from you, and you, well, you feel symbolically castrated.
Martin: Oh, why does everything with you shrinks start in the crotch?

Niles: I hope you'll understand, I think I'd like to go home now and hold my wife. That is, if she'll let me.

Frasier: Really? You've been seeing a man?
Daphne: Only when I close my eyes and concentrate.

Frasier: You and Daphne are entirely different kinds of women. Whilst Daphne is very shy and inexperienced, you are more... well, a lot more... well, actually it's hard to find anyone who's more...
Roz: Oh, I get it! Not one man I've ever dated is good enough for Miss Daphne, is that what you're trying to say?
Frasier: No, it's what I'm trying not to say, and you're not making it very easy.

Daphne: Do you have any idea how uncomfortable a strapless bra is?
Frasier: Well, thanks to my fraternity days, as a matter of fact I do!

Frasier: Me? That's impossible, Tom's not gay!
Niles: He seems to be under that impression.

Niles: This traffic is murder. I'd suggest we walk home but I'm afraid what the humidity will do to these loafers. Does calfskin pucker?
Frasier: Yes, Niles! That's why on humid farms, the calf is the most made-fun-of of all the animals!

Frasier: Oh, Niles! I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity, I have to go and steal a get-well card from a kidney patient!

Daphne: Well, for someone who writes dribble, she's awfully popular.
Frasier: Oh, really, fancy that. She tells everyone that they're perfectly wonderful and that nothing wrong is ever their fault. What do you know, they like it.
Daphne: There's a lot more to it than that. You should try reading one of her books.
Frasier: Yes, well I have. Believe me, after one page, I was yearning for the worldly cynicism of Barney the Dinosaur.

Martin: Oh, working for a woman, huh?
Frasier: Yes, why?
Martin: Well, it's tough on guys, taking orders from a woman. We resent it!
Frasier: That's absurd. If I had trouble taking orders from a woman, Frederick would never have been conceived!

[Niles wants to borrow Martin's gun.]
Niles: Our home security system is down for repairs, and with no electric gates I'll just feel safer if I'm packing heat.
Frasier: Oh, for heaven's sake, Niles, you don't even know how to pack a lunch.

Kate: I've been listening to the tapes of all your shows. I love what you're doing.
Frasier: Really? Well, thank you very much! I like to think of my show as a haven for the tempest-tossed in the maelstrom of everyday life.
Kate: Wow. You really talk that way.

Frasier: Oh yes, respect is important. So is self-respect.
Kate: Oh, yes, yes, but some people -- and this is so unfortunate -- can't tell the difference between self-respect and pig-headedness.
Frasier: Yes, but those people are usually rigid little demagogues who don't know the difference between the kind of respect that is earned and the kind of respect that is irrespective ...of what others expect.
Kate: Isn't it sad when bad things happen to good sentences?

Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Niles: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be GUNPLAY IN MY LIVING ROOM!

Frasier: Well, you're the one who's supposed to keep track of who's on what line.
Roz: Okay, let me make it easy for you: freaks. Freaks on Line One. Freaks on Line Two. FREAKS, EVERYWHERE.

Frasier: As George Bernard Shaw once said, "there are two tragedies in life. One is not getting what we want, and the other is getting it."
Kate: You know full well this is not what I wanted! You did this to vex me. And you succeeded. And it was not Shaw, it was Oscar Wilde. Did you ever open a book at Harvard?

Bulldog: We're not letting her push us around any longer!
Gil: Nope. You do the talking. I'll stand behind you and burn holes through her with my "You call this a Hollandaise sauce?!" glare.

Frasier: "Crane & Crane." I can see our logo already; a giant Crane hovering over a human head!

Martin: You know the best thing about getting old? Your hair may turn grey, your joints may stiffen, you may even have to walk with a cane. But people still ask you to help them move!

Frasier: That was an accident.
Niles: Yes, it very nearly was.
Frasier: I am so tired of your exaggeration; you always make things fifteen thousand times worse than they are!

Niles: Frasier, I have made a fist and I'm thinking of using it.

Niles: Are you insane?!
Frasier: If I were, "Doctor," you'd never know it!

Frasier: As so often in these cases it took someone outside our situation to point it out to us.
Niles: Well, Dad always said it, but he has no credentials.

Frasier: Well, I don't mean any disrespect but you know, the entire time I knew her she never said anything to me that wasn't scornful, derisive or contemptuous.
Roz: So how come she made you in charge of her memorial?
Frasier: I was her favorite!

[Niles and Frasier help Martin write a song.]
Niles: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't mean to quibble but it seems like her heart is always going heidi-hiedi, ringy-dingy, or scooby dooby.
Martin: Look, I don't need another critic.
Niles: Fine. Perhaps a cardiologist?

Frasier: So, you would have me ridiculed for the sake of those hyenas!
Kate: No, I would have you fight back. He makes pot shots at you, you come back at him in your droll, Ivy League, "look at me, I've got a thesaurus" kind of way!

Martin: You listen to Bulldog's program?
Niles: Yes, Dad, I can't sleep nights till I find out who hurled what ball through what apparatus.

Frasier: Oh, good for you. Speaking of old chums, Daphne, a Clive called for you a little earlier.
Daphne: Clive?
Frasier: Mmm-hmm.
Daphne: Did he sound British?
Frasier: No, he was one of those fiery Mexican Clives!

[Roz suggests a blind date for Frasier]
Frasier: Ooh, oh Roz. Do you hear that?
Roz: What?
Frasier: If you listen very carefully you can actually hear my skin crawling!

Martin: You know, I remember one anniversary I surprised Hester with a pair of Lady Mocarbies [shoes]. I don't remember which anniversary, but I know it ended with a zero.
Daphne: I don't doubt that!

Niles: I would, but it's happened so often lately I find myself in financial straits. Deep financial straits. Look at this belt: Spanish leather!
Frasier: Yes, well if Mr. Blackwell comes in I'll create a diversion, you can make a dash for it.

Niles: Obviously the time has come for me to expand my practice, so I'm placing an ad in the Seattle "Style" magazine.
Frasier: An advertisement? Isn't that a bit commercial for a psychiatrist?
Niles: Said Dr. Pot to Dr. Kettle!

Frasier: It's all right, Roz. It's just the whole thing catapulted me back to high school. You know me as an adult, but back then I was rather an un-athletic, bookish sort.
Roz: Get out!

Frasier: Yes, well... I roll over and discover on my forearm a tattoo: the word "Chesty."
Niles: Interesting.
Frasier: Then the shower turns off and out from the bathroom steps - a man. ... All right, go ahead, let me have it!
Niles: Are you saying that now, or is that a quote from the dream?

Martin: Boy, I've had it with you guys. If you were Hoss and Little Joe, Ben Cartwright would kick your sorry butts right off the Ponderosa.
Frasier: Dad. Dad, we're sorry.
Niles: Very sorry.
[Martin leaves.]
Frasier: He's back on the Cartwrights again. You know, some day we really should ask him just who the hell they are?

Roz: I don't know how! No one is more careful than I am when it comes to birth control. But then again, even the best protection is only effective ninety-nine out of a hundred times. I can't beat those odds.

Kids: Trick or treat!
Niles: How did you get past the doorman?

[At Niles' Halloween party, Gil is dressed as the Last of the Mohicans.]
Gil: Uh, excuse me, Niles. I'm afraid there's been a bit of an hors d'oeuvre mishap on your Persian rug. Just call me "Fumbles With Crab Puffs."

Frasier: Look, I'm sorry about last night. I tried to apologize, but you ran out of the party so fast.
Roz: Oh, I'm sorry! Was that rude? You know more about etiquette that I do. What is the proper length of time you should stay after someone announces to a hundred strangers that you got knocked up?

Roz: I know that. But it's not gonna be easy. When you were a junior in college, if a woman came to you and told you she was carrying your child, wouldn't you have been devastated?
Frasier: In my case, I would have been mystified.

Martin: Well, that's what you get living in a big city: If it's not the horns waking you up it's someone writing an operetta about the Brownings.

Niles: Well, Daphne said you were depressed and here you are with your head in the oven.
Frasier: I was cleaning it, Niles. It's electric.

Frasier: Niles, will you just stop it? The dinner was just fine.
Niles: It was not fine. I made those reservations weeks ago. They seated us so close to the kitchen I'm surprised they didn't make us wear hair nets.

Frasier: Please, just calm down. I've made a few well placed calls, I haven't heard back from a couple of people. Someone will call.
Niles: Well, someone better call. Because everyone who's anyone is seeing this play. And you know who you are if you're not anyone? You're NO ONE. And I've been someone much too long to start being no one now.

Frasier: Niles dropped a huge log right onto my hand when he was startled by a moth.
Niles: It was not a moth, it was a bat. I could tell from that eerie high-pitched scream.
Frasier: That was you! Look, frankly, I wish you'd start seeing someone about this bug phobia of yours.
Niles: It is not a phobia. I have a healthy fear of our natural predators. It's us versus them and frankly I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on.

Niles: Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?
Frasier: I told you Niles, I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.

Daphne: I suppose she can be a bit overbearing. But as she often points out, she is paying for the wedding and I am her only daughter and giving birth to me was so painful she did bite through a kitchen spoon.

Frasier: Daphne, just don't let you mother guilt you into having the wedding she wants instead of the wedding you want.
Daphne: Oh, don't worry, mum already promised me I could have the wedding I want, as soon as I have a daughter who gets engaged.

Daphne: Now, as far as the reception goes, I've narrowed it down to two places. I'm leaning towards "Captain Jonah's." The view of the water's lovely. But you have to walk through a whale's mouth to get inside.
Frasier: I hesitate to ask how you exit.

Frasier: Just picture it, Daphne. Aren't they something? As you and Donny exit the church one dozen white birds of peace will be released and circle above. Of course, we'll use fourteen in actuality - the power lines always take out a few.

Niles: Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you hear me shouting?
Frasier: That was you? Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt.
Niles: How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia.

[Niles is a critic for a paper.]
Niles: I'm rubbing pretty impressive shoulders these days. And to think it's all because I have a small column.
Frasier: That would certainly be the Freudian interpretation!
Niles: If I were to review that attitude I would say it was a chilling portrait of malice and envy.

Niles: What made you change your mind?
Daphne: My little niece, Audrey, the flower girl. She looked up at me and said "You're the saddest bride I've ever seen." I figured who was I kidding if I couldn't fool a four-year-old with an eye patch?

[Daphne flees her wedding to be with Niles.]
Daphne: I've never done anything this crazy! Are you nervous?
Niles: Only that I'm gonna wake up.

Daphne: Well, what's left for us in Seattle? Ex-wives, an ex-fiancé. A tangled mess of bitterness and hurt feelings.
Niles: Yes, but an excellent symphony and world-class dining.

Frasier: I'm amazed you let Simon drive that thing.
Martin: Oh, it'll be fine. I gave him a lecture about drinking and driving.
Frasier: He did understand you were discouraging it?

Daphne (about Simon): Mum claims he was dropped as a child. I think he was thrown.

Frasier: You don't want to sue Daphne.
Donny: I'm a lawyer, it's my natural impulse.

Frasier: Have you been listening to me?
Martin: Well, I tried not to, but some of it still got through.

Roz: Why don't you go over and talk to her?
Frasier: Oh please, Roz, come on, the woman's a perfect stranger.
Roz: Stranger? You know her name, you know she has a job, you know she's attractive. It's like an A&E biography compared to what I used to know going in.

Martin: Well, you didn't have to trick me. I mean, I would never do anything like that to you.
Frasier: It seems someone is forgetting sending Niles and me off to Boy Scout Camp to earn our "Opera Badges!"

[Niles tries the peanut brittle Daphne made.]
Daphne: Is it good?
Niles: Oh, it's like little shards of heaven.

Frasier: I'm sure you're exaggerating.
Todd: No, I spent my whole life in front of a computer. I don't know Beethoven from... Beethoven's the only one I know!

Mel: Niles, you have been behaving like a perfect gentleman all night, now cut it out! And do something offensive!
Niles: I don't know at which table you've been sitting! Did you not just see me unapologetically take the last roll?

Frasier: Dad - sorry to hear your trip was a bust.
Martin: Oh, it's all right, it wasn't so bad. You know, the worst day of hunting still beats the best day of working.
Frasier: You don't work either!

Daphne: Oh, that scone looks good.
Frasier: Yes, well, it's all right. They call it "Nervosa Berry," but I'm convinced it's just yesterday's banana.

Niles: You don't trust me. How could you possibly think there could be somebody else?
Daphne: Because I was somebody else.
Niles: What?
Daphne: You were married to two other women while you claimed to be in love with me.

Frasier: It's supposed to say, "Congratulations, Dad."
Deliveryman: There wasn't room.
Frasier: People have written the Declaration of Independence on a grain of rice!
Deliveryman: Not with frosting.

Niles: So, em, which one shall we attend?
Daphne: Well, it's always been a dream of mine to see Billy Joel live.
Niles: Yes... but has it been a lifelong dream, like my dream of seeing Mongolian throat-singers?

Martin: What the hell is throat singing?
Frasier: Oh, Dad, it's an extraordinary technique where a single vocalist can actually produce two distinct tones simultaneously, allowing him to harmonize with himself!
Martin: Kind of like the Everly Brothers.

Gertrude Moon: Well, in my day people didn't drive so recklessly. Do you know why?
Alice: Is it because you rode dinosaurs?

Gertrude Moon: All I'm asking is that you honor the wishes of an old woman, whose every child has been married by a minister, or at least a prison chaplain.

Martin: Frasier, you said you wouldn't do this!
Frasier: I say a lot of things.

Daphne: Well, I better go and figure out what to pack for the honeymoon.
Niles: I'm just bringing sun screen.
Frasier: Pardon me. I have to go and poke out my mind's eye.

Frasier: That's crazy!
Niles: It may be, but I'm afraid the truth would crush her.
Frasier: Oh, please! All the wine presses in Bordeaux wouldn't crush that woman.

Frasier: What is with all this traffic? I tell you, don't these people have jobs? Some of us have a radio show to do!

Niles: Other motorists are getting angry.
Frasier: If they weren't so shortsighted, they'd see that I'm doing this for their own good. It's like correcting people's grammar - I don't do it to be popular.

Daphne: He's turning my room into a library?
Martin: No, he made it very clear it was a "reading sanctuary." A library implies sharing.

Kenny: Holy buckets, what are you doing?! Take some calls!
Roz: I'm not a shrink, I can't tell people what to do!
Kenny: Yeah, that always stops you women.

Martin: Name one person on the condo board you haven't ticked off at least once.
Frasier: That's just because I have a Type-A, hands-on, get-it-done personality.
Martin: Seriously, name one.

Martin: How did you know about that?
Daphne: I'm studying for my citizenship exam. It's about time I became an American like everyone else.
Frasier: If you were like everyone else, you wouldn't know any history.

Frasier: Well, if I drop out just as you announce your candidacy, people might suspect something's up. It's better that our political legerdemain remain sub rosa, hmm? How would a normal person say that, Dad?
Martin: No one needs to know how the hot dogs are made.
Frasier: This is going to be sweet.

Martin: Yeah, even you couldn't lose a one-man election.
Frasier: Hmm, are you forgetting 1998?
Martin: Oh, yeah, when you lost to the dead guy.
Frasier: He wasn't dead he was in a coma. How was I supposed to compete with that?

Frasier: They wouldn't love you so much if it weren't for my ideas!
Martin: Right, because you need a Ph. D. to think about repainting the lobby. Oh, wait. You don't!
Frasier: Would you stop doing that?
Martin: You're right. It's not an effective way to argue. Oh, wait. It is!

Niles: Well, there's room at Roz's table.
Frasier: No! I find her cousin Jen just a bit judgmental for my taste. Yesterday she told me my show was bourgeois. I pointed out that anything that had mass appeal could be said to be bourgeois. She then said that my argument was bourgeois. Which I found to be jejune.
Niles: People in their twenties are always like that. The world is so daunting at that age. They comfort themselves with the idea that everything's just trash. We were like that in medical school. Acting as if we were above it all, smarter than everybody. It passes.

Frasier: Say there, Jen, did you have a chance to explore that art gallery I suggested?
Jen: Yeah. I know you're into that stuff so I don't want to put it down. But it was like everything in there was trying to make us feel better about our corrupt, imperialistic, phallocratic heritage.
Frasier: They're landscapes.

Roz: Niles, I need to talk to you. You're not with Frasier, are you?
Niles: Why does everybody treat us like we're joined at the hip? I do have coffee with other people other than my brother, you know.
Roz: Good. 'Cause I'm avoiding him.
Niles: Oh, then talk fast. He's meeting me in five minutes.

Kenny: There she is. Now, I gotta warn you, Doc, she's uh, in a eelchair-way.
Frasier: Does her handicap preclude her from understanding Pig Latin?

Niles: If you already had a plan, why did you ask me how I wanted to do it?
Daphne: Well, because if you'd have had the same idea, then I could have agreed with it, which would have given you the illusion of control.

Martin: Before you say anything, if you know the score to the Mariners game, don't tell me, I'm taping it to watch later.
Frasier: Dad, the odds of my knowing the score to the Mariners game are about the same as you knowing the score to Pacific Overtures.

Martin: What are you talking about?
Frasier: Oh, come on, he didn't seem gay to you?
Martin: That guy's not gay! You know how you can tell? The muscles.
Niles: Good point, Dad. Second tip-off: no poodle.

Niles: How could I have missed something so obvious?
Frasier: Well, it's not so hard to believe. You were fifteen before you discovered there was a correlation between being beaten up every day and going to school in a Panama hat.

Niles: Frasier, what's going on with you? You're showing classic signs of depression.
Frasier: That's because I'm depressed, you nit!

[Niles and Frasier find a bottle of pills in a Velveeta box.]
Frasier: No. It's a prescription for Martin Crane. Why do you suppose he would put it in here?
Niles: Hiding it, I assume. What better place than a box Pandora herself would be loathe to open?

Frasier: Did you hear that?! My analytical skills are on fire!
Niles: And your own-horn-tooting skills haven't abandoned you either.

Frasier: Oh, hi, Dad. Did you see my new chess set?
Martin: Oh yeah, it's nice.
Frasier: "Nice?" Well, the inlay was made from the same Travertine marble they used at the Emperor Hadrian's palace outside Tivoli!
Martin: Really? Well, I'm gonna celebrate with a beverage brewed from the crystal-clear waters of the majestic Colorado Rockies!

Niles: (referring to his ex-wife) I don't believe it! I thought I made myself perfectly clear. What is wrong with that woman?
Martin: Why don't you start, Frasier? I'll jump in when you get hoarse.

Frasier: Have you any idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?
Niles: Obviously, you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie.

Bebe: Niles, thank God you're here. Back me up. Give him some sound, brotherly advice.
Niles: She's the Devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far.

Roz: I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
Frasier: Well in that case, you should outlive Styrofoam.

Daphne: I'm a resident alien here from England - you know, the country that used to own you people.

Daphne: Roz, is everything all right?
Roz: Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that my hair is huge and this dress is a joke.
Frasier: No, nonsense, Roz. You look divine.
Roz: No, I look like Divine.

Niles: Where do you keep your saffron?
Lilith: Third cupboard.
Niles: Mm-hmm, and where do you keep your shallots?
Lilith: In the crisper. By the way, you still have to remove the entrails from the chest cavity.
Niles: In that case, where do you keep your ten-foot pole?

Frasier: I do not have a fat face.
Niles: Oh, please. I keep wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for winter!

Niles: Well, as some illustrious person said, "popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
Frasier: You just made that up, didn't you?
Niles: Yes, but I stand by it.

Daphne: Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.

[Niles takes up kickboxing]
Niles: You know, it requires a lot of talent. You have to have timing and balance, the ability to strike and instantly retreat.
Martin: So you kick them and then run away?
Niles: Yes. My instructor says I'm a natural.

Lilith: Niles, sorry to hear your marriage ended in a shambles.
Niles: Ditto.

Daphne: I don't see what's so hard about telling Roz you were wrong.
Frasier: You don't understand. It's not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong. I have a degree from Harvard. Whenever I'm wrong, the world makes a little less sense.

Martin: Well, don't worry, I found a girl for you. Now, Duke's daughter Marie just moved back in town...
Frasier: Dad, blind dates remain the refuge of the lovelorn.
Martin: You know, if you didn't talk like that, you might not have to get set up so much.

Frasier (responding to a caller): Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.

- Lessons Learned -
What can we learn from this TV series?

* There are people that actually listen.
* If you like someone, don't wait until their wedding day to tell them.
* It's amazing how much some people resemble their pets.
* Some people are like the sun. Without the warmth.
* One theory of decorating is, if you've got really fine pieces of furniture, it doesn't matter if they match - they will go together.
* Perhaps a double espresso is not the best way to calm down.
* Remember what Mom always said: "A handshake is as good as a hug."
* Some may say "burden" but they mean it in its most positive sense.
* Even though things may not happen like we planned, they can work out anyway.
* Sometimes, one wants to be closer to one's family, without actually having them around.
* I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.
* What some lack in taste, they make up for in vigor.
* Some people are obsessed with what they think they're missing.
* Mature people are supposed to use their intellect to settle their differences.
* Remember to use your powers for good and not for evil.
* Time, the sole thief of youth.
* Dogs only need names if you are planning to call them to you.
* Canines have a very keen sense of who's a nice person and who isn't.
* You get a sunny day in Seattle, and everybody forgets how to drive.
* A lot of people confuse not being in charge with not being respected.
* Sometimes, after a messy break-up, you sleep better with a continent between you and your ex.
* There are pitfalls in an office relationship.
* A guy that's super-clingy after two dates no doubt has a major insecurity problem.
* The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase: blob, person.
* Even the best of us can get a bit cranky when we're overtired.
* Everyone lies a little in eulogies.
* It would be terribly bad to go through life having a secret dream and never fulfilling it.
* Whether we succeed or fail, what really matters is that we tried.
* There's nothing more irritating than pointless and pretentious erudition.
* There's a theory that people who put down golf do so because they can't play well.
* Often through pain we can achieve emotional growth.
* Sexuality in a dream could be symbolic of some deeper, non-sexual conflict.
* It's so humiliating when someone treats you like you don't even exist.
* You don't just put a smear of lipstick on the Bride of Frankenstein and turn her into a trophy wife.
* You can only live in denial for so long.
* The camera doesn't lie, you know.
* No use crossing a bridge till we come to it.
* A pointy hat is a babe magnet!
* Sometimes a natural opening to bring up a topic does present itself.
* You know, it's tough for people when they're out of work. They just get a little tense and irritable.
* Sometimes, when the motivation is strong enough, the unconscious can cause a person to act in ways that the conscious would find unthinkable.
* Transitions are always difficult.
* Why do shallow people remain that way? The lack of positive influence.
* As a wise woman once wrote, "No cookie jar is up too high for a panda who will try and try."
* It just amazes me that a good psychiatrist can be so blind to something so obvious.
* A good psychiatrist should be self-aware.
* Bridesmaids' dresses are always ugly. It's how the bride makes sure she's the prettiest one at the wedding.
* Any idiot knows you've got to pay a hooker in cash.
* A man whose face is plastered on every bus in town should be careful what terms he bandies about.
* Love does enter through the nose.
* If we had no faults of our own, we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others.
* If you can't stay awake, don't be a psychiatrist.
* Sometimes you build things up in your mind, and they turn out not half as bad as you thought.
* Inane chitchat can be preferable to talking about what has actually happened.
* Returning used merchandise is unethical.
* They really should make waiters wear name tags. Carrying trays and taking drink orders leaves so much room for ambiguity.
* Love is an awesome force. It can make us do things we never imagined possible.
* Those darting little glances mean something's up.
* Rule number one: always stand in back of the curb until the bus has come to a complete stop.
* A four-alarm fire is no match for five-star courage.
* Décor is, after all, a fluid art.
* "Here" doesn't mean the front seat.
* It's not a vacation until Dad takes a picture of one of his meals.
* There's a lid for every pot.
* To quote Lord Byron, "It is in solitude where we are least alone."
* Failure is a result, not a cause. What's at the core?
* Falling in love with love is falling for make-believe.
* Coordinating undergarments are the mark of a lady.
* In a therapeutic setting a doctor's empathy can be misconstrued as romantic interest, especially when the patient is of a particularly vulnerable nature.
* Lying is all about confidence. As long as you're confident, people will believe anything you tell them.
* The most dangerous part of a gecko is its mind.
* Anyone fooled by a repeat performance would have to be a complete imbecile.
* The bigger person doesn't worry about what other people think.
* I can only change one character flaw at a time.
* Old dogs get used to a certain routine.
* You might be the best man for the job, but a friendly smile and a "How do you do" in the hallway goes a lot further.
* Sometimes, even the never-fail date purse can't help.
* Some people chafe under the cruel yoke of public service.
* When did it become such a bad thing to be an adult?
* The Sunday Times is very heavy.
* You might want to reconsider making that ultimatum.
* It's fun having a famous friend.
* Foot-dragging is a kind of avoidance.
* Only a scoundrel would violate a gentleman's agreement.

- Favorite Scenes -
Also known as "moments"

Frasier: Oh, spare me the psychiatrist bit, Niles. That includes putting down the pad!
[Niles lays the pad on the desk.]
Frasier: In the drawer, Niles!
[Niles puts the pad in the drawer.]
Niles: Fine. My first question to you is this: Are you still in love with her?
[Frasier jumps up from his chair.]
Frasier: No! Not in the least! It's a ridiculous suggestion.
Niles: Seeing as how I have nowhere to write the phrase, "classic denial," I'll move on. So, about this woman for whom you have so little feeling that you raced across town and burst into one of my sessions - is there any lingering resentment?

Niles becomes distraught over the breakup of his marriage and storms into the powder room after a huge outburst. Concerned, the others follow him to the door, trying to talk to him. All is ominously quiet until a sudden, loud POP shatters the silence. Given his state of mind, the others fear that Niles has shot himself, and Frasier urgently calls Niles' name. The door swings opens and Niles is calmly standing there, covered with shaving cream; Martin's shaving cream warmer popped the can.

Martin has a dream/life-goal of writing a hit song for Frank Sinatra. Frasier and his brother, Niles, encourage the dad to give it a try saying that they'll help. The three go over to the piano, where Niles and Frasier argue briefly over who gets to play the piano. Niles finally "wins" and sits down on the piano bench. Martin says, "Okay, the melody that I'm hearing in my head goes like this: ..." (he continues rhythmically in loud voice) " ...bwoppity-bwoppity - bwop-bwop, bibbity-blabbety, bwup, bop, buh-wop!" Niles and Frasier just look at him for a minute. Niles starts to get up and says to Frasier, "Well, it is *your* piano ..."

In the episode where Frasier is trying to do an old-fashioned radio drama, they're about to go on the air, and Frasier hasn't told Niles that Niles will be reading six parts. As the play starts and the characters introduce themselves, Frasier keeps pointing to a surprised Niles to read the part for that character. One of Niles' characters is a dwarf - Niles is momentarily at a loss for how to do a dwarf impersonation, then he takes a hit from a helium balloon and croaks out the line.

There is a cute scene where Niles is confronting the Bavarian fencing instructor that is trying to have an affair with Niles' wife. Niles' maid, Marta, and Frasier are also there. The fencing instructor only speaks German, so Marta (who doesn't speak much English) translates his words to Spanish, and Frasier translates the Spanish to English for Niles. After one such translation from German to Spanish to English (done with great timing, btw) Niles says, "En garde!"* Frasier says, "That's just what we need: a fourth language."
(* Many thanks to Rick for sending this correction!)

In the episode where Frasier and Niles open a restaurant together, they lose all of their staff, so they have to work in the kitchen themselves. One of the dishes they're to prepare is eel; the eels are alive and swimming in a fish tank. Niles is trying to kill them by stabbing the water with a butcher knife. Daphne says, "For Pete's sake," and in a single stroke, she snatches one out of the water and slaps its head again the counter top like one would crack a whip. She hands the eel to Niles who just holds it and looks at her like, "What a woman!"

Niles, Frasier, their dad Martin, and (Frasier's producer) Roz are all on a cruise. As it turns out, Nile's estranged wife Maris is also on the cruise and she happens to see some flirty woman coming on to Niles who is so not interested in the woman. Maris runs out before Niles can explain. Niles is depressed that she won't talk to him, so he goes for a walk. Frasier, Martin, and Roz go to Maris's room to talk to her. She isn't there but they go in. They think they hear her coming in and they go to hide in the bathroom. Soon Maris does enter her cabin, and Niles is with her. He finds the three hiding in the bathroom. While in the bathroom he sees that Maris used some of her favorite mouthwash which indicates that she is in the mood for love. Niles tells them that he will distract her so they can sneak out, and he and Maris "can celebrate the way a man and his wife were meant to." Niles peeps out the door into the cabin and whispers to the others, "Oh, it looks like she's started without me." The other three simultaneously say, "Ew.." with disgusted expressions on their faces. Niles explains, "Drinking the champagne."

From that same Frasier episode I mentioned above, where he, Niles, Martin and Roz are on the cruise. While Frasier, Martin, and Roz are hiding in Maris's bathroom, they don't know that Niles is with Maris. (They think that she's hooking up with some sleazy guy from the bar to get back at Niles for flirting with the other woman.) At one point, Frasier decides that he is just going to go out into the cabin and confess that they snuck into her room and have been hiding. As Frasier is pulling the door open, Niles is pushing it open from the other side. Niles is very surprised and lets out a little scream: "NAHH!" To cover he says, "Maris, what a lovely bathroom. NAHH!"

The whole episode is great where they fly to Boston to spend Thanksgiving with Frasier's son and his ex-wife Lilith. Frasier and Lilith are very excited that their son is being considered for a very exclusive private school. Frasier, trying to calm down, asks Lilith if she still keeps the Valium with the contraceptives. She says, "Sorry, I needed the last one just to go pick up the application." Frasier replies, "I'll assume you meant the Valium."

Daphne is trying to convince Martin (Frasier's Dad) that he should color his hair. She says, "And I know the perfect shade for you; it's called 'Cinnamon Sable.'" Martin sarcastically replies, "Oh, I can't use that - it's Duke's shade. He'd scratch my eyes out."

I forget which episode, but a side plot was that Frasier learned there were video cameras in his apartment building's elevator and they had spied him unzipping his pants to tuck his shirt in. In one part of the ep, he gets into the elevator. He needs to tuck in his shirt, so he opens his umbrella to try to outsmart and block the camera. He has trouble holding the umbrella and tucking his shirt in at the same time. In the midst of this scene, Daphne steps calmly onto the elevator. She looks at the surveillance camera and explains, "He's been under a lot of stress lately."

Frasier's ex-wife Lilith was back in town looking for reconciliation but Frasier, knowing no good could come from that asked Niles to keep her away from him during their evening out. It turns out that Niles and Lilith wind up in bed together at her hotel room. As they're waking up, they're both surprised and a bit panicky. Niles says, "Let's just stay calm. These things happen, they happen everyday... (he starts to panic again) everyday in Arkansas!" (The whole episode is great!)

Frasier and Roz were at the coffee shop that they frequent. Niles came in as Roz was about to leave. As Roz stood up from her seat, Niles reached into his jacket pocket. Roz snapped, "Every time I get up from a chair, you wipe the seat before you sit in it. I have to tell you, that is more than a little insulting." Niles pulled out his cell phone and, without giving Roz a response, he started dialing a number. Roz mumbles an embarrassed, "Oh, sorry Niles. Guess I'm just a little edgy today." She leaves. Niles, on the phone, has apparently dialed the cafe's number. He says, "Yes, this is Dr. Crane at table four. Can you send someone over to wipe my chair?"

Frasier: Dad, he's doing it again! Must this dog stare at me all the time?
Martin: I don't know. Eddie, must ya?
[Eddie carries on staring]
Martin: Apparently he must.

Frasier is about to fight a newspaper critic whose work Frasier criticized. As Niles wonders aloud what makes them such targets, he takes a nail file out of his coat pocket, buffs his nails, and blows on them before offering the file to Frasier, who declines. Seeing that Niles doesn't realize that his own actions answered his question, Frasier sarcastically replies, "Chalk it up to random violence."

Frasier has brought a man, Tom, home from the station to meet Daphne, and a jealous Niles invites himself to dine with them. Frasier is unaware that Tom is gay, and he thinks that Frasier is the one who's interested in him. Throughout the meal, Niles is cool to Tom, who finally approaches him in the kitchen and politely confronts him about it. Tom asks if Niles has a problem with him dating Frasier. There is a long pause as Niles tries to digest what he just heard, and he finally manages to reply, "I'm sorry: what was the question?"

Daphne's ex-fiancée is in town looking for reconciliation. Thinking him to be the same lazy, ambitionless guy she broke up with, she tries to let him down easily by introducing Niles as her husband. Since they're at Frasier's apartment, Frasier arrives (of course) and Niles and Daphne quickly pull him aside and fill him in before he can spill the beans. They explain his presence there by saying that he's separated from his wife, Maris. Martin arrives and the three fill him in. Insulted by their suggestion that he leave rather than trying to keep up with the complicated charade, he makes himself at home and complicates the story further by telling Daphne's ex that he's a retired astronaut. Then, when Roz arrives to see Frasier, Martin declares, "Well, what do you know: it's Maris!"

Continuing the previous scene, Daphne's little white lie - that Niles is her husband - to kindly reject an ex-fiancé has taken on a life of its own as Daphne and Niles live in Frasier's apartment, Frasier is staying there, Roz is his ex-wife Maris, and Martin is the senior Crane, a retired astronaut. Eddie enters the room and the ex-fiancé nicely asks his name. They all look at each other, carefully considering what to say that would fit into the story. They finally declare at the same: "Eddie!"

To get back at an ex-boyfriend, Roz kisses Frasier at the Cafe Nervosa, and Niles sees them. Frasier starts to explain, but Niles dismisses him, noting that it'll be just him and the archbishop at the next meeting of the Haven't Kissed Roz Club. Roz says that she'll save Niles the club fees and kisses him before leaving. Niles turns to Frasier and declares, "Everyone kisses better than Maris!"

- Afterthoughts -
Miscellaneous material

* Trivia: The show won a record 37 Emmy Awards during its run.

Credit: the description and some quotes are from the IMDb. Quotes were also found in transcripts at The Frasier Files, which has closed but can still be viewed here at the Internet Archive. Screencaps used in the banner are from the now-closed Frasier Mania.

* Frasier website links: @ Wikipedia, @ tv.com, Frasier Online, Jeff Durling's Frasier Page, Niles and Daphne

* Questions? Check our FAQ for FGA (Frequently Given Answers).

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