The girls were getting ready for bed, and Blair wanted to sleep with the window open. She opens it and is inspired and recites a poem. At the end she says wistfully, "The Window by Emily Dickinson." Not amused, Jo comes over, slams the window shut and says, "It's Freezing! Jo Polnechek!" (by Michele)

The girls flew down to Florida for spring break, and they stayed at Natalie's grandma's house. I don't know where the grandma is. Anyway, they're having a party, and soon the storm brewing outside is upgraded to a hurricane. Natalie yells, "We're having a hurricane!" Much to her amazement, everyone cheers and claps. (by Michele)

From the Starstruck episode, Natalie is re-joining the others after answering the phone. It was big, good news, and though calm, she's clearly excited about sharing it. "Look at me," she says, "Do I look normal?" Blair suspiciously replies, "Is this a trick question?" (by Anne)

From the Fear Strikes Back episode, crime hits close to home, and the girls get a dose of harsh reality. Jo says to Blair, "Face it Pollyanna. There's a lot of crime around." Indignant, Blair retorts, "I know *that*. I watch Hill Street Blues." (by Anne)

If you've ever seen the show you know about Mallory's boyfriend, Nick. He was over at Mallory's parents' house for dinner. Everyone was sitting in the dining room. The table was set nicely, and there was an elegance in the air. "This is nice. You people eat like this all the time?" Nick asked. Alex replies, "You mean with utensils?" (by Michele)

Frasier's ex-wife Lilith was back in town looking for reconciliation, but Frasier, knowing no good could come from that, asked Niles to keep her away from him during their evening out. It turns out that Niles and Lilith wind up in bed together at her hotel room. As they're waking up, they're both surprised and a bit panicky. Niles says, "Let's just stay calm. These things happen, they happen every day... " He starts to panic again and adds "... every day in Arkansas!" (by Anne)

Ashley's friend, Tina has a crush on Carlton. (Tina is white, btw). She's been calling him and coming over to the house to see him. In one scene, off camera Carlton yells, "No, Tina! I don't care if you can get in at half price, I'm not taking you to see Jungle Fever!" (by Michele)

In another scene from the previous episode, the family goes to a seafood restaurant where all the waiters are dressed as pirates. Will is a waiter there, but his family doesn't know he works there, and they don't know it's him who is their waiter. Philip makes a negative remark about Will in front of him and a bristled Will says to him, "We have all three flavors of Slim Fast." (by Michele)

After Joey became famous on Days of Our Lives, he moved out. Chandler got a new roommate, Eddie, who soon proved to be weird in a scary way. One night, Chandler woke up to find Eddie sitting by the bed, watching him sleep. Chandler angrily tells him to get out, but Eddie doesn't go. Finally, Eddie - indignant about being asked to leave - says he wants to hear Chandler say the words. Chandler repeats himself, yelling, "Get out now!" Unphased, Eddie says, "No, I want to hear it from your lips." Exasperated, Chandler cries, "Where were you hearing it from BEFORE?!" (by Anne)

DJ and Kimmy are in charge of the entertainment at some junior high dance, and at the last minute the band backs out. So DJ gets Uncle Jesse to front a replacement band - unaware that it's the marching band! When he learns about the band, he walks up to the microphone and dryly says into it, "DJ Tanner, report to the stage immediately!" (by Michele)

Danny forced a bickering Stephanie and DJ to stay in their room together until they got along. Stephanie says to her beloved stuffed animal, Mr. Bear, "So, Mr. Bear, when do you think DJ will come to her senses and apologize?" DJ answers, "When that Bear answers you out loud." (by Michele)

The guys were imagining what it would be like if the girls still lived at home when they were adults. There was this really funny fantasy sequence where the guys were these old geezers, and DJ, Stephanie and Michelle were in their early 30's, but still living at home and expecting to be waited on. Kimmy Gibbler walks into the room, now a sexy, busty bombshell. As the guys reflect on this little prediction, Danny says, "We can all learn a little something from this." To which Joey replies, "Yeah. I'm going to start being really nice to Kimmy Gibbler!" (by Michele)

Jessie was attending a very formal party with Rebecca. Also at the party were several intellectual snobs. Jessie, in an attempt to discuss literature with them, touted having read, "War and Crime" and "Peace and Punishment." The man he was talking to laughed a little superior laugh and remarked that Jessie had inadvertently transposed the titles. Trying to save face, Jessie replied, "On the contrary, I transposed them quite vertently." (by Anne)

Nell had been arrested by the Chief. While she’s in jail, something - perhaps the arrival of the media? - inspires Nell to play for sympathy by grossly exaggerating her treatment while incarcerated. At one point, she feebly mourns that all she’s had to eat was two raisins, “and I wouldn’t have had them if they’d been crawlin’ faster.” (by Anne)

Rose found a lost dog at the supermarket and took him home with her. She wanted to keep the dog at the house until she found his owners. Blanche and Sophia didn't care, but Dorothy was against it. Rose said to Dorothy, "The poor thing was lost and he followed me home. What was I supposed to do?" Dorothy retorts, "Come on, Rose. You drive to the market. How did he follow you home? In a taxi?" (by Michele)

Ben was filming a movie about an alligator attacking a town or something. Anyway in one scene, someone was talking on the phone and in the background, above the phone someone put a sign that said "Pubic "(not Public) "Phone"! (by Michele)

Carol was smitten with the hunky guy who was hired to paint(?) Jason's office. She's in there with him when there is a ruckus in the living room. She runs out, and there are two definite handprints (paint?) on her rear-end! (by Michele)

Carol was tutoring the school's hunky football star, Bobby, and her friends didn't believe that they were fooling around up in her room. (They weren't). The one friend says, "Come on, Carol. Everyone knows you're .... immaculate!" (by Michele)

Al is visiting his girlfriend at her office. (She is a dentist.) Al's cell phone rings, and he knows that it's Tim. Al answers the phone, "I thought I told you never to call me here!" Then he and his girlfriend laugh at Al's kooky sense of humor. (by Anne)

Tim's brother and sister-in-law were visiting, and to make a long story short, Tim accidentally saw his sister-in-law naked. When his brother found out, Tim tried to get out of it by saying sarcastically(?) that his brother could see Tim's wife, Jill, naked. Later, Jill was giving Tim a hard time about even suggesting that, and Tim tried to soothe her feelings by saying, "Oh, honey. Nobody wants to see you naked." (by Anne)

In one episode, someone wrote the girls' names and phone number on the wall of the men's restroom. They kept getting lewd phone calls. On one call Laverne says something like, "And let me tell you something, buster! What you just said is sick! Sick! Sick! And I wouldn't do any of those things with you ... except maybe possibly that third thing ..." (by Michele)

Shirley was berating Laverne for being kind of "loose" with men. (Even though they were both "good girls," Laverne just liked to make out with the guys!) Shirley says, "You see, Laverne, I choose to treat my body like a temple. You, however, treat yours like an amusement park." (by Michele)

Laverne had been getting ready for her lunch date, but she could only get one false eyelash on. Her date shows up, and they chat a bit. About to leave, the man compliments Laverne on her trendy look. He leaves and a confused Laverne asks, "What's with him and my eye?" Shirley replies, "You got one eyelash on, Laverne. You look like the Jack of Spades."(by Anne)

Mama was rushed to the hospital because she was hit in the face with a pot while making gooseberry jam with Naomi, Ellen, and Eunice. Anyway Naomi, Ellen and Eunice all had different versions on what happened. In Eunice's version, Naomi is a total tramp. When the gooseberries start boiling and making these popping sounds, Naomi says seductively, "It must be hot! I can hear those beads of sweat just popping out all over my body!" To which Mama replies, "It's the berries, you tramp!" (by Michele)

It was Christmas Eve, and Al was getting ready to close the shoe store so he could get to the bank before it closed. He had to take out money to buy gifts for Peg, Bud and Kelly. Anyway, he was just about to lock up when this woman in her 60's wanted to come in to buy a pair of shoes. Al let her in, but stressed that she had to be quick because he had somewhere to go. She said "Oh, we won't be but a minute." Al says "We?" And the woman looks behind her, and says "Ma!" and this little old lady comes in, walking at a turtle's pace. The clock shows it's like, fifteen minutes later, and the first lady says, "Now, did you say fifteen ninety-nine?" and Al, obviously ready to choke her says, "Yes! Please hurry!" The woman reaches in her purse and says, "I don't have the money." She turns to the little old lady who says "I don't have any money!" Al, who is ready to blow a gasket demands, "Well, who has it?!" And the little old lady looks behind her and yells, "MA!" (by Michele)

Michael is the chief organizer for the town's annual apple festival, and he totally over-commercializes the whole thing. At one point he's wearing this very flashy white and red outfit, and one of the locals comments, "Michael looks like an apple pimp." (by Michele)

Larry and Balki join a health club and Larry is sitting at a piece of exercise equipment and is struggling to use it. He completes a couple of reps saying (panting), "One .....two....." Then a pretty girl walks by, and he says louder and more macho-like ,"Forty eight! Forty nine! ...." (by Michele)

A very pregnant friend of Balki's was staying with him and Larry, and one night she went into labor. Larry and Balki were nervous wrecks, running around bumping into things and tripping over things. Balki called the hospital and said, "Hello, hospital? Baby is coming!" To which Larry grabbed the phone from Balki and said "You just can't call the hospital and say 'baby is coming!'. Look, I'll talk to them." To which he says into the receiver, "Hello hospital? The baby is coming!" and hung up the phone. (by Michele)

Balki had become a couch potato. He was about to use the remote control, and Larry took it away from him. Balki said, "That's okay, because I have this!" He held up his pointer finger and reached toward the TV. Larry grabs Balki and they struggle, like one would struggle to get a gun away from an armed assailant. Finally they stop struggling, since the pointer finger is bent. Balki looks sadly at it, then brightens. He gleefully holds up the pointer finger of the other hand, and the struggle resumes.(by Anne)

Becky was drunk and her friend asked about the restroom. Becky replied: "We don't have one ... we use a wok!" (by Anne)

Roseanne, Jackie, and Nancy were attending a self-defense class, and Arnie showed up. He said something about them being women, and Nancy quipped, "Good thing we brought our ovaries." (by Anne)

Arnie had returned to town, and he decided that he was going to win Nancy back. He showed up at Roseanne's (seeking help, I think), but Roseanne had to set him straight. She said that a lot of things had changed since he'd been gone. Arnie demands, "Like what?" Roseanne says, "Well, like Nancy's gay, and we got a new LensCrafters." Stunned, Dan said, "What??" Roseanne replied, "That's right. Glasses in one hour!" (by Anne)

Darlene and David had applied to art schools in Chicago and New York. It was a secret between them, but he told Molly,the trampy next door neighbor. Darlene had found out from DJ that David told Molly about them applying to the art schools and she was livid about it. She finds David in the kitchen, and he asks about her visit to the library. She replies, "I read this story about this guy who told a really big secret that only he and his girlfriend knew and she snuck up behind him one night and stabbed him like 5 or 600 times... you know, until her hand cramped up...." (by Michele)

Dan and Roseanne were at a store shopping for a new mattress, and they were lying on a queen-sized bed. I think they were bouncing a bit, reveling in the springiness and spaciness of the big bed. A snooty salesman came over and asked haughtily if he could help them. Dan replied, "Yeah, I'd like to get the double bed over there." Eyeing their size, the salesman replied sarcastically, "And for the lady?" (by Anne)

Eric is dreaming that - because he just got a tattoo - his girlfriend will think of him as being as cool as Steven Tyler. In the dream, he is dressed like Steven Tyler and doing a very good ST impersonation, and his girlfriend writes in her journal how awesome Eric is now. In real life, when he goes to Donna's room to show her the tattoo, he tries to be very cool and kick the door open. It doesn't open, but he sends himself backward into the hall wall. The look on his face is so funny! (by Anne)

The guys went to Canada to buy beer. As they are about to stop at the border, the Mexican guy, Fez, can't find his green card. They almost make it through the border, but of course the Mounties discover them at the last second. Back at the Mounties' office, they are questioning the guys. The whole scene is pretty good, where the Mounties ask a question, then we see each guy answer the question. After the first question, Fez's answer is a quick, "Me no speako Englisho." His answer to the next question is the hilariously nonsensical "Wee fooby dibby dooby." (by Anne)

Eric has been advised by a bitter old man not to marry his high-school sweetheart. Eric has a daydream where he and his girlfriend Donna are married. She has gotten very large! She's sitting there scowling and smoking. She says, "Who ate the last donut?" He admits that he did. She swears and put out her cigarette. He says, "You ate the first eleven!" He adds, "Look at me! I weigh 85 pounds!" Gesturing to his balding head, he cries, "My body is eating its own hair!" (It may not look funny written down, but I laughed out loud for many minutes. Even now as I wrote it - hahahahahahahaha!) (by Anne)

Theo and Cliff were building an entertainment unit. The directions were in French, and Theo was trying to translate. He read one of the French lines, and Cliff said, "And what does that mean?" Theo responded, "Pound your ankle into slot A." I guess I wasn't expecting that because I thought it was *so* funny! (by Anne)

Ralph thinks that Alice is having an affair with a man named Harvey. He follows her to where Harvey lives. He busts into the apartment, and while Alice tells Ralph that he's mistaken, he looks at the closed bedroom door and yells, "Come out of there, Harvey!" The door opens and a little boy walks out, sleepily rubbing his eyes. Turns out Alice was babysitting and as usual, Ralph puts his foot in his mouth again. (by Michele)

When the aliens first arrive, Sally complains, asking why she has to be the woman. Dick replies matter-of-factly, "Because you lost." (by Anne)

Dick was jealous of a male friend of Mary, who was a writer and was doing a book signing. Anyway, Dick bursts into the bookstore, holding a book. He declares, "This man is a fake, and he should be accused of plagiarism! I have proof that every word in that book has been written somewhere else!" He holds up the book he's carrying. "Perhaps you've heard of the dictionary?!" (by Michele)

Tommy was describing his attractive new friend to the other aliens. He was saying, "...They were so big and so round, that I just had to touch them... And then she said, 'Ouch! My eyes!'" The other aliens groaned in disappointment for him that the moment was lost. (by Anne)

Dick entered the office wearing a tight-fitting construction worker's outfit and a tool belt. Strutting proudly, he asks Nina if she likes beefcake, and she replies, "Not from your funky bakery." (by Anne)

Dick goes to a Halloween party dressed as a pirate, and a partygoer plays along with some pirate talk. "Ahoy, matey. Where are your buccaneers?" Dick replies seriously, "Under my buckin' hat." (by Anne)

Janet was modeling the jeans she had just bought. Pleased with her purchase, she talked about the good deal she got on the Calvin Kleins. Glancing at the tag on the back pocket, Jack corrected her that it said Calvin Clone. Twisting to try to see the tag for herself, Janet wound up turning around a few times. She looked like a dog chasing its tail, and Jack played on that by urging her to keep going because she almost had it. (by Anne)

Mr. Roper sells Jack, Janet and Chrissy his car, but he doesn't tell them it's on its last leg. Meanwhile someone else wants to buy the car and offers Roper a lot of money for it. Mr. Roper wants to buy the car back from J, J and C, and he even offers to give them an extra $100 back for it. Jack and Janet readily agree, but Chrissy says no. J, J, and C go into the kitchen where Chrissy says they have to tell Mr Roper about the car's condition before they agree to let him take it back. Jack (or maybe Janet) says, "Don't you see, Chrissy, this is the answer to our prayers." Chrissy protests, "No, it isn't. Nobody prayed!" Janet says, "Well, let's start now." She folds her hands, looks upwards, and continues. "Please make Chrissy change her mind!" Jack folds his hands, looks upwards, and adds, "Or better yet, give her one." (by Michele)

I love the scene in the episode where Janet has a difficult new boss at the flower shop. Mr. Furley and Terri go into the flower shop and see the new boss - I'll call her B for short. Mr. Furley tells B that he would like some nails. B replies, "What? We don't have nails here." Mr. F asks, "Then how did you hang those pictures on the walls?" Mr. F and Terri keep giving B a hard time, asking for nails, a hammer, etc. B's supervisor finally comes out and asks if there's a problem. Exasperated, B tells him, "Yes, these people are asking for things that we don't sell." Mr. F innocently asks the supervisor, "Do you have any chrysanthemums?" (by Anne)

An old buddy of Joe is walking around the airport terminal, and it is obvious he is looking for someone. He is very good looking. Helen is watching him intently. Fay walks over to Helen and says, "Helen, have you noticed that man over there?" Helen replies, "Notice him? I'm thinking about what I should get him for our 25th wedding anniversary." (by Michele)

Helen was dating Davis, and he had asked her to marry him. Joe went over to Helen's to congratulate her, and they kissed. There were clearly still feelings there. They slept together, and the next day she still was going to New York to see Davis. In the mean time. Brian had just broken up with Alex. (She had left him a note saying she left the island and for him not to bother looking for her.) Joe wanted to take the plane to New York to go after Helen, and Brian wanted to find Alex, so they started wrestling over the keys. Joe said to Brian, "Don't be pathetic." Brian said, "I'm pathetic? I'm not the one who slept with someone's fiancée, you slut!" To which Joe said, "At least I know where Helen is. What are you going to do? Fly around the world and stick your head out the window and go, 'Alex'?"(by Michele)

I love the whole episode where they've dug up the time capsule and are reading letters of what they thought their lives would be like. In everyone else's letters, Helen is still a tad overweight. After hearing the guys' letters, she says, "Well, that's just great. In your future --" [to Joe] "-- I wasn't even on the planet, and in yours --" [to Brian] "-- I *was* the planet." (by Anne)