Quotations 101

Golden Girls
older, wiser, and funnier

Golden Girls 101
» Spoiler Warning: details on this page could spoil any surprise(s) in the story if you have not seen this complete TV series.

The Golden Girls is a comedy TV series telling the story of four completely different women sharing one house in Miami Beach, Florida. Blanche, owner of the house, finds a never-ending supply of "gentleman callers." Growing up in a small town has left Rose with a perpetually positive, if somewhat naïve, outlook and a lack of exposure to many aspects of the world. Dorothy, jaded when it comes to men, must deal with recurring visits from her irresponsible ex-husband. Sophia, Dorothy's mother, is quick with cutting comebacks, but she also helps shed light on the others' current problems with tales of her days back in Sicily. The four ladies grow to become best friends while talking over their shared passions of men and cheesecake. They listen and encourage each other, but they're never above telling it like it is - even if the truth hurts!

Golden Girls: Recap and Review
What makes it so notable? strong leads with great chemistry, and humor shrewd - and funny - enough to span the generational gaps
What are its weak points? In presenting situations faced by adults, the writers never shied away from highly personal topics, which frequently led to the Girls sharing too much information.
Verdict: Casual Fan or Big-Time Fangirl? Casual Fan
Comments: Not only was this show, being about four "senior" ladies, a hit when it first came out, but viewers are still interested in it today. It seems that when a series takes time to develop its characters and the relationships between them, people will generally find something they can relate to, and will respond favorably.


- Quotes -
The good, the bad, the sad, the funny: the things we wish we'd thought to say first.

Dorothy: What are you doing shooting - are you crazy?!
Rose: I heard a noise, I thought it was robbers.
Sophia: I lived eighty, eighty-one years; I survived two world wars, pneumonia, a stroke and two operations. One night I'll belch, and Stable Mabel here will blow my head off!

Rose: Dorothy, you're the smart one, and Blanche, you're the sexy one, and Sophia, you're the old one, and I'm the nice one. Everybody always likes me.
Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.

Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother; she suffered a slight stroke a few years ago, which rendered her totally annoying.

Sophia: Rose, I need some advice too.
Rose: You need advice from ME?
Sophia: Yeah, frightening, isn't it.

Dorothy: Why can't you sleep on the couch and give Clayton and Doug your room?
Blanche: Are you crazy? What will the neighbors think if they see two men in my bedroom?
Sophia: They'll think it's Tuesday.

Dorothy: Rose, honey, I think you're putting the cart before the horse.
Rose: And that's bad?

Rebecca: I'm having this baby in a birthing center. They emphasize natural childbirth without any painkillers.
Blanche: Honey, I know I told you where babies come from, but did I ever mention where they come OUT?

Dorothy: I really like him, and I think he likes me.
Sophia: Just don't ruin it and sleep with him.
Dorothy: Of course not, Ma. I only do that with men I plan to scar psychologically.

Dorothy: Rose, what are you listening to?
Rose: A relaxation tape. The rain is supposed to relax me.
Dorothy: Is it working?
Rose: Not really. I keep worrying that I left my car windows down.

Rose: I have a steady boyfriend, so unfortunately I'm not available. That is unless you like jazz.
Doug: Well, I've got Glenn Miller back at my place.
Rose: Does he like jazz?

Blanche: Rose, what was your first impression of me?
Rose: I thought you wore too much make-up and that you were a slut. I was wrong. You don't wear too much make-up.

Blanche: I feel like I am in a bad dream. But I know I'm not dreaming, because there are no boy dancers.

Dorothy: Do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck?
Rose: No. But you do look like the woman who used to drive it.

Dorothy: The woman keeps a chicken in her home: how normal can she be?
Rose: I kept a chicken in my home.
Dorothy: Do you see my point?

Blanche: There is a fine line between having a good time and being a wanton slut. I know. My toe has been on that line.

Sophia: Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked.

Dorothy: Rose, I am not in denial.
Rose: Yes, you are. You're just denying you're in denial.
Dorothy: Rose, honey, I am not denying I'm in denial.
Rose: If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.
Dorothy: Look, fluffhead. Why should I deny being in denial? I never said I was in denial, YOU are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it.

Sophia: Make way for the victors.
Rose: You won the big game?
Sophia: No, Rose. We lost, and we all changed our names to Victor.

[Sophia is translating for an elderly Italian contractor]
Sophia: He said, "I am in charge."
[the contractor says something else]
Sophia: He said, "I am the boss."
[the contractor says something else]
Sophia (confused): He said, "I am the walrus"?
Dorothy: Ma, either your Italian is a little rusty or this is the world's oldest hippie.

[Sophia slaps Blanche's grandson for mouthing off.]
Blanche: Is that all you Italians know how to do? Scream and hit?
Sophia: No, we also know how to make love and sing opera!

Blanche: Rose, you must be confused. You come to me if you have problems with a man. You go to Dorothy if there's some grammar you need help with.
Dorothy: You ended that sentence with a dangling preposition just to bait me!
Blanche: What would I do that for?

Blanche: She was listening to her car radio, Big Band, not All-Talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number and a dime in a door handle, and then Bing Bang Boom, she won the tickets.¹
Dorothy: Take a lesson, Rose. That's how you tell a story.


- Lessons Learned -
What can we learn from this TV series?

* The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana.
* Flirting is part of a Southern gal's heritage.
* You really should keep that back door locked, or any idiot could walk in.
* You can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he'll die.
* That Sigourney Weaver is a sweet girl but she really shouldn't go without makeup.
* Three important lessons learned: number one, hold fast to your friends; number two, there's no such thing as security; and number three, don't go see "Ishtar."
* Belief can be powerful.
* Do not call the police station to find where to get the best donuts.
* Step on a crack, break your mother's back? It doesn't work.
* God created man, and gave him a heart, and a mind, and thighs that could crack walnuts.
* Jealousy is a very ugly thing.
* A substitute teacher's job is to keep the kids from burning the school down until the other teacher gets back.
* When a 22-year-old girl marries a man who's 80, chances are she is not after his body.
* Everlast is a brand name, not a nickname.
* You know how fragile men's egos are: one little mistake like screaming out the wrong name and they go all to pieces.
* On the St. Olaf 'I-can't-believe-this-is-cheese' diet, you eat nothing but rice.
* If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, He would have filled them with helium.
* It's wonderful dating in Miami. Every single man under eighty sells cocaine.
* I don't think lying is really a good idea.
* Sicilians can always recognize two things - when someone is telling the truth, and when they've had their fingerprints changed.
* How come whenever my ship comes in, it's leaking?
* Like they say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy.
* Old people are supposed to be "colorful."
* Dirty is in the eye of the beholder.
* Avoid a man calling himself the Picasso of plastic surgery.


- Favorite Scenes -
Also known as "moments"

Rose found a lost dog at the supermarket and took him home with her. She wanted to keep the dog at the house until she found his owners. Blanche and Sophia didn't care but Dorothy was against it. Rose said to Dorothy, "The poor thing was lost and he followed me home. What was I supposed to do?" Dorothy said, "Come on, Rose. You drive to the market. How did he follow you home? In a taxi?"²

Rose was up for a volunteer award, which she had been nominated for the past 7 years but always lost to this one lady. {I forgot her name.} Anyway this lady had passed away and Rose was sure she would win. Well, much to Rose's chagrin, the other lady won once again, posthumously. An angry Rose declares, "She's dead! She doesn't need another trophy on her mantle! She's on her mantle!"²

In one episode, it was revealed that Dorothy had a gambling problem in the past, and it caught up with her now, in the present. She was talking to Blanche and Rose in the kitchen and said something along the lines of, "I lived with the temptations all those years; I guess I'm going to have to learn to deal with it." She leaves the kitchen and Blanche says to Rose, "You know, you can know someone for a long time and really not know them?" Rose replies, "I know! I never knew Dorothy lived with the Temptations! I've never even been to one of their concerts!"²

Rose went out on a date with this guy and he had a jealous ex-wife who was harassing Rose. Rose was looking for a flashlight and explained to Dorothy and Blanche that she was going to use it when she walked out to her car at night after work. (She thought that this woman was going to harass her.) Dorothy said "Good idea, Rose. It's always good to check under your car and in the backseat before you get in at night." Rose replied, "I was just going to shine it under my face to make me look scary."²

In one episode, Sophia said some cutting remark to Blanche, who replied, perturbed, "My mistake. I thought since you looked like Yoda, you would be wise and smart."²

All the girls are sleeping in the same bed to keep warm (the heater is broken) and Rose is saying her prayers (out loud). All of a sudden this voice booms out: "Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer. Now shut up and get into bed!"²

In one episode, Blanche is depressed that she's going through menopause. She's worried that she'll never be attractive to men again. While she's wallowing in her self-pity a man arrives (I forgot who he is) and she perks up and starts flirting with him. Dorothy comments "She can be in a coma. A man's within five miles of her, she'll roll over and shave her legs."²

Rose's boyfriend spent the night. The next morning, Dorothy, Blanche and Rose are in the kitchen. Sophia comes in and tells Rose that there is a man in her bed, and that the man is dead. Rose refuses to believe it and Dorothy and Blanche suggest that she check it out. Rose, obviously rattled says, "Come on, Dorothy, he's sleeping. I don't want to wake him." Sophia replies, "You can light firecrackers under his nostrils. It won't do any good!"²

It's New Year's Eve and Rose got dumped by her date or something and was sitting on the couch, moping. Then Blanche walks in the door. Apparently, her date fluffed her off as well. And she's all like, "Well, I have to kiss somebody at midnight! She sits next to Rose and sulks too. The TV is on and you can hear the countdown and then the shouts of "Happy New Year!" Blanche glances over at Rose, and Rose, not even turning in Blanche's direction warns, "Don't even think about it!" Which causes Blanche to sulk even more!²

Blanche was exchanging letters with a prison inmate and Dorothy berated her for leading him on with her sex fantasies. Blanche said something like "When I told him I wanted to make love to him on a hammock tied between two magnolia trees, he knows it's just a fantasy. That it could never happen!" Rose offers, "Maybe it could if you lost a little weight."²

Blanche and Rose were doing a dress rehearsal for a play and they were dressed as nuns. Anyway, they had to leave wherever they were right away because a hurricane was brewing outside. Meanwhile, Dorothy's uncle(?) who was a priest was visiting from Italy and Sophia convinced Dorothy to pretend she was still married to Stan and that the house was theirs. The Uncle walked into the kitchen where Blanche and Rose were, wearing the nun's habits and holding their clothes. (Their bras are on top of the pile). They introduce themselves as "sister Rose" and "sister Blanche" and Blanche explains that "We're collecting lingerie for needy, sexy people."²

Blanche wanted to take a stab at writing. She walks into the kitchen one morning, holding a stack of notebooks. It is obvious that she hasn't had a wink of sleep in a very long time. She is babbling on and on and she mentions something about her being a tortured soul like Van Gogh. Dorothy says, "Blanche, Van Gogh was a painter." Blanche says, "It doesn't matter. We're all artists. Maybe I'll cut off my hair like he did." Dorothy says, "Blanche, he cut off his ear!" Blanche seriously ponders over this for a few seconds, then dismisses it, saying, "I have too many earrings."²

Dorothy and Rose remodeled the bathroom all by themselves. They were all finished and they (along with Blanche) decided to take a "test run" of the toilet, sink and shower to see if they were all working properly. One of them said, "All right girls, on the count of three. One, two three!" and each proceeded to flush the toilet, turn the sink on and turn the shower on. Everything worked and the three of them jumped up and down, yahooing all over the place. Sophia, famous for her last words, looks at them and says, "Knock it off! It's water, not oil!"²

The girls are grocery shopping and Blanche is standing in front of a display of cantaloupes. A stockboy walks past and comments, "Nice Melons." To which Blanche happily replies, "Why, thank you!"²

Sophia's friend wanted to kill herself, and she asked Sophia to be there with her while it was happening. As Sophia was grappling with whether or not to be there for her friend, Rose told the story of Lady X (not her real name, but I forgot it), St Olaf's Angel of Death. She was a nurse at the hospital and Mr. Y, a patient of hers (again not his real name) begged and begged her to kill him. Well she couldn't stand it any longer and pulled the plug on MR. Y and he died, but she was wracked with guilt. According to Rose, "She didn't know if it was the pain talking or the medication talking .... or the man in the next bed talking! You see, the man in the next bed was (Mr. Z), St Olaf's meanest ventriloquist!"²

Dorothy and Rose were talking about 'Spanish fly' and rose had no idea what it was. Dorothy explained that it wasn't a fly, but a beetle. Rose asks, "Well, how do you know it's Spanish?" A fed up Dorothy barks, "Because it's wearing a little sombrero, Rose!"²

Dorothy's friend Jean was visiting. Jean was a lesbian and she fell for Rose. Anyway, when Blanche found out, she threw a fit. "I don't believe it! I just don't believe it! To think Jean would prefer Rose over me?!"²

Blanche was on the floor with both legs lifted, doing some sort of abdominal crunching exercise. Watching from the couch, Dorothy observes, "The only time I'm in that position is when I give birth."


- Afterthoughts -
Miscellaneous material

* Trivia: All of the lead actresses won Emmy Awards for their performances on the show.

* Trivia: Golden Girls, along with All in the Family and Will & Grace, are the only shows where all the principal actors have won Emmy Awards.

Credit: the quotes were found at the IMDb and at the now-closed "Golden Girls Quotes Page", which is archived here. The description is a highly revised version of one from the now-closed BlancheOnline, archived here. Some screencaps were taken from videos at YouTube.
¹ Thanks to Kym for the "Bing Bang Boom" quote correction!
² Many thanks to Michele for sharing some of her favorite GG moments!

* Golden Girls website links: @ Wikipedia, @ tv.com, @ epguides.com, @ yahoo.com, @ tvguide.com, GG Central, GG Quotes, fan website (archived)

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