David: You need me, Maddie Hayes.
Maddie: I need you to leave.
David: You need me to live, Lady. You are one cold, icy broad. You've got your nose so high in the air, it's snowing on your brain.
David: You gotta trust me.
Maddie: Trust you? Trust you? People fire you and you make googly eyes at them. Men try and fry your face, and you make jokes. You seek out the expert opinion from pawnbrokers, you talk with your mouth full, you don't signal when you turn, and worst of all, you don't even have a plan!
David: You through?
Maddie: Doesn't it seem a bit... quiet to you?
Ms. Dipesto: Well, this is our slow time.
Maddie: Morning?
Ms. Dipesto: Well....
Maddie: Mondays?
Ms. Dipesto: Kind of.
Maddie: Spring?
Ms. Dipesto: The eighties.
Maddie: There are no clients, there never have been any clients, there aren't going to be any clients, are there?
David: I'm not sure I understand the question.
Maddie: Have you EVER had a client?
David: What? You mean at this particular location?
David: Maddie, I can't take you in there with me.
Maddie: Do I embarrass you?
David: It has nothing to do with embarrassing me. This is a bar filled with punks and killers and...
Maddie: Don't you want me to meet your friends?
David: Shake your ‘do.
Maddie: Shake my what?
David: Your hair. Shake your ‘do. Girls with an attitude don't have a ‘do like that - nuns and librarians don't have ‘dos like that. You want to have an attitude, you're gonna have to shake it.
Maddie: Do you have any idea how much this "‘do" cost?
Maddie: Addison, we don't belong in business together. We don't think alike. We don't agree on anything.
David: What are you talking about? We agree on a lot of things. You like meatballs on your spaghetti, right? Me, too. How 'bout books? Let's talk about books. Me? I read left to right. How 'bout you? Is that an amazing coincidence, or what?
David: Preston Holt is a barracuda.
Maddie: Good. I feel like a little seafood.
Maddie: David, I just don't think--
David: That's okay, you look good.
Maddie: You're right, David. I could never be embarrassed in front of you.
David: Really? What about just barrassed?
Maddie: You believe me?
David: No. But I believe IN you.
Maddie (after a moment): That was a terrific thing to say. What does it mean?
David: I have no idea.
Maddie: Brian Baker called me names. Preston Holt lied to me. Omar Gaus mocked me. I don't think I like men anymore.
David: We still like you.
David: Now, THAT is what I call a case: sex, violence, hit tunes... If we crack this thing, they'll make a movie about it. Mel Gibson will play my life. I'll talk to David Hartman, Barbara Walters. Women from all over the country will send me letters, make lewd suggestions... Is this a wild country or what?
David: You're weird.
Maddie: This is very meaningful. Humpty Dumpty is calling me cracked.
David: You're repressed or obsessed or one of those "essed" words. Every time something comes up that involves men or sex or...
Maddie: "Boinking?" Is that the word you're looking for?
David: See what I mean? That's not normal.
Maddie: I'm supposed to sit here and discuss my mental health with a man who refers to the act of human procreation as boinking?
David: I'm looking for a man with a mole on his nose.
Maddie: A mole on his nose?
David: A mole on his nose.
Guard: What kind of clothes?
David: What kind of clothes do you suppose?
Guard: What kind of clothes do you suppose would be worn by a man with a mole on his nose, who knows?
David: Did I happen to mention, did I bother to disclose, this man that we're seeking with a mole on his nose? I'm not sure of his clothes, or anything else... Except he's Chinese, a big clue by itself.
Maddie: How do you do that?
David: Gotta read a lot of Dr. Seuss.
Guard: I'm sorry to say, I'm sad to report. I haven't seen anyone at all of that sort. Not a man who's Chinese with a mole on his nose, with some kind of clothes that you can't suppose. So get away from this door and get out of this place, or I'll have to hurt you, put my foot in your face.
David: Oh.
Maddie: Time to go.
David: Time to go.
Maddie: Yes. Where on earth am I gonna get that kind of money?
David: I don't know. But we will.
Maddie: We will... How?
David: We'll make it.
Maddie: Where? On the Xerox machine?!
Maddie: I can't believe I'm listening to you. Why am I living this life? I've never done anything to deserve this...
David: Look, I know why you feel depressed. This is normal, Maddie. This is absolutely normal.
Maddie: If I had known that being good didn't count, I would have stayed up later, slept around more...
Maddie: I didn't even know you had a brother.
David: Never thought of him as a brother. Just mom and dad's science project.
Maddie: He had nothing but nice things to say about you.
David: Well, I have nothing but nice things to say about me either.
David: This ain't bad. You always this much fun this early in the morning?
Maddie: You're gonna die wondering.
David: Let's be friends. You didn't say that did you? That's the worst. That's female for "No kissy, no touchy, no horizonty." Tell me you didn't say that.
Maddie: I didn't say that-- "No horizonty"?!
Maddie: You are who you are and I am who I am. And the only solution is dissolution.
David: Wait a minute, dis-solution. What is that, Brooklyn for "this solution."
Maddie: No, that's Maddie for "I can't go on this way!"
Maddie: Which reminds me: no more singing.
David: Say what?
Maddie: You heard me. One doo-wop and you lose.
David: WHOA!!! Hold the phone, hold the phone!! Aren't we cutting it a little deep here? I believe now we're going beyond the perimeters of the bet! Now we are getting into the essence of my personality.
Maddie: That's not personality, that's an affliction.
Maddie: You were singing.
David: I wa... I was celebrating.
Maddie: It was more than a doo-wop. You snapped your fingers, wiggled your hips - you even closed your eyes like Ricky Nelson.
David: Ricky Nelson?! He's WHITE!!
Maddie: I'm going to the museum. They're exhibiting a new Gauguin.
David: Gauguin? Oh, I heard of him. That's the guy who duked it out with Godzilla, right?
David: Boy, are you a tough customer. I bet you didn't even clap your hands to save Tinkerbell.
Maddie: That man belongs in a pound!
Ms. Dipesto: Pound of what?
Maddie: Just when I think you've sunk as low as you can go, you find a basement door.
David: Check me here, but you seem a trifle disturbed.
Maddie: Wipe that stupid grin off your face.
David: This happens to be the smartest grin I own.
Maddie: And don't get any ideas.
David: Don't need to. Brought plenty of them with me.
Maddie: I wouldn't want you losing any more sleep over me.
David: Believe me, if and when, I ever find myself over you, the last thing I'll be thinking about is sleeping.
David: You can't do that.
Maddie: Why?
David: Why? Why? I don't know why. It's weird. It's oedipal.
Maddie: It can't be oedipal, I'm a girl.
David: Alright then... Oedipi?
David: You're still welcome.
Maddie: You're still thanked.
Maddie: I don't appreciate your cavalier attitude toward your appearance in my place of business.
David: Oh, you don't?
Maddie: No, I don't. You know, there's an old expression, "You don't dress for who you are, you dress for who you want to be." Do you really wanna be Soupy Sales?
Maddie: What this man wants to do is euthanasia! Euthanasia! Do you know what that is?
David: It's some charity for kids in Vietnam, right?
Maddie: Is there anyway we could talk?
David: What if we use our mouths and tongues?
David: You took the words right outta my mouth.
Maddie: Open up. I'll put 'em back.
Ms. Dipesto: Miss Gas!! There's a hayes in the building!
Maddie: Hayes in the building?
Ms. Dipesto: Yes, Miss Gas! A hayes leak! They think the building might blow up! Don't panic!!!
Maddie: I'll try not to.
David: Maddie, the man is my father. The man who taught me about shaving. About women. About shaving women.
David: Y'know, you're really lucky you're so damn good-looking.
Maddie: Oh, really? And why is that?
David: Because you really are hell of a lot of work, Madelyn Hayes.
David: This is the eighties, Maddie. In the eighties you gotta take your romance where you can find it and if that means a twenty-two cent postage stamp, fine. If that means a buck to rent and adult video, that's fine too. Maybe it's a two dollar call to someone you never met who would say things you would never utter to someone you know. It's all romance.
Maddie: That's not romance, that's dirty solitaire.
David: What are you writing now?
Maddie: My will. This place is making me suicidal.
David: Oh yeah? Make sure you leave me something.
Maddie: Consider yourself left.
Maddie: Why are you looking at me like that?
David: You're doing me.
Maddie: I'm WHAT?!
David: You're doing me, Maddie. You come in here, you slam the door, you say ba-bing, you sit on the corner if that desk... I know what I'm talking about, Maddie Hayes. This is not just some idea I plucked out of my head willy-nilly -- Now I'm doing you!!
Maddie: David! Are you alright?
David: Trust me, Maddie, we are doing this backwards. Let's just go to your office and start all over.
Maddie: That is a stupid lie!
David: That is not a stupid lie. "My dog ate my homework" is a stupid lie. "Of course we can still be friends" is a stupid lie. But I happen to think you can accept "accident on the freeway" and still hold your head up.
David: What do you think, Maddie? That people's behavior patterns are decided at birth, like gender, or eye color? Or do you think people become irresponsible because they aren't getting enough vitamins?
Maddie: I love your logic: "I'm a jerk, but it's voluntary, so that makes it okay."
David: And then last night, an idea hit me!
Maddie: Left a bruise, I hope.
David: Who is the one person out there, who is spreading happiness and joy out there in the world?
Maddie: Steven Spielberg?
David: SANTY CLAUS!!
Maddie: David, may I please have some ANSWERS?!
David: Delaware, all of the above, 90 degrees.
David: I remember when they told Sylvia Plath, "Hey, Syl, cheer up!" I remember when they told e. e. cummings, "e, baby; use caps!" But did ol' e listen? no. Little n. Little o.
Maddie: Since when did my personal life outside the office become fair game for your amusement inside the office?
David: If I remember correctly, since you started working here.
Ms. Dipesto: Mr. Addison. Here's your ticket.
David: Thanks again, Agnes.
Ms. Dipesto: I guess this means you're going away.
David: Agnes, in all my born days I have never met a person who could put two and two together faster than you.
Ms. Dipesto: Math was always my strongest subject.
David: I don't know, but I kind of sensed some anger when I caught up with you at the elevator and you told the other passengers that I had contagious hepatitis.
