Alias Top Tens
Top Ten Rejected Ways to Die in the Alias Series Finale
10) Giant catapult that flings victim into orbit
9) Exploding toilet
8) Pop rocks and soda
7) Really, really, really big paper cut
6) Laughing too hard at a knock-knock joke
5) Shipwrecked on a tropical island with a polar bear
4) Skillfully-thrown pita bread
3) Running with scissors
2) Character gets amnesia. Forgets to breathe
1) Old age
Top Ten Rejected Alias Plots
10) Unexpected repercussions from an agent's fraudulent tax returns
9) Blatant ripoff of the last Bond film
8) Anything that would have made Lauren interesting
7) New character: JoJo the super-spy chimp
6) Enemies access Sloane's accounts after guessing that his PIN code is "4747"
5) Sark and Sydney? Twins separated at birth
4) The Covenant frames Sydney by hiding overdue library books in her apartment
3) Vaughn gets married ... sorry, that's one that *should* have been rejected
2) Syd wakes to discover that her life as a spy was just a dream
1) Alias - the Musical!
Sydney's Top Ten Pet Peeves
10) Everyone telling her she looks like "that piano girl from Felicity"
9) Marshall gadgets that don't include a radio function
8) The way no bad guy plots involve increasing the world's supply of coffee ice cream
7) Having to spend hours every year updating her Christmas card list to reflect those who died, those who are no longer dead, those who turned out to be evil...
6) People who emphasize the second syllable in her name
5) Telemarketers (Seriously, guys, if we wanted your services, WE would call YOU!)
4) That being Rambaldi's "Chosen One" doesn't get her out of parking tickets
3) The nagging suspicion that Vaughn is cuter than she is
2) The way extreme spy adventures often lead to a huge dry cleaning bill
1) Her employer has no dental plan
Sark's Top Ten Excuses For Getting Caught. Again.
10) "My shoelace was untied"
9) "Someone switched my coffee to decaf"
8) "I still haven't adjusted to Daylight Savings Time"
7) "Got tired of all the choices associated with having my freedom"
6) "Just trying to fulfill Rambaldi's prophecy about me getting caught 47 times"
5) "I had a big lunch, so running fast would've been a bad idea"
4) "It's the only way I can get a vacation"
3) "Lost a bet"
2) "Handcuffs increase my already considerable hotness"
1) "Well, it was either this, or death"
Top Ten Things Sloane Can Do To Improve His Image
10) Make someone else look worse
9) After shooting someone, stick around to help with the cleanup
8) Travel with a monkey. Everyone loves monkeys
7) When stealing a car, try really hard not to wreck it
6) New strong-arm tactic: take someone to the circus and then threaten to never take them again!
5) Point out that there are *plenty* of people he has not killed
4) Always carry gum, and periodically offer it to strangers
3) Deny committing any crimes. Blame a mysterious one-armed man
2) Instead of using torture to get his way, try saying "please"
1) Stop being a murderous, Rambaldi-obsessed nutjob
Top Ten Things That Sound Creepy When Said By Sloane
10) "I have a mission for you, Sydney."
9) "You're like a daughter to me, Sydney."
8) "This time it's personal."
7) "Be ready within the hour."
6) "I can provide references from my last job."
5) "You mean I get all these great funk classics on just one compact disc?"
4) "Johnny likes bunnies."
3) "Nougat."
2) "Does this look infected to you?"
1) "Who wants to be a millionaire?"
Top Ten Titles for Episodes We Didn't Want to See
10) Parsimony
9) Chagrin
8) The Rebuke
7) Ennui
6) Aerobicize
5) Introversion
4) The Bureaucrat
3) Inconveniences
2) True Disdain
1) Macrosymbioprotohelix
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Becoming A Spy
10) Do I look good in black?
9) Would being a spy require me to leave the house?
8) Do they have a dental plan?
7) Is Alias an accurate depiction of the job?
6) What if I got stuck with a lame codename?
5) Am I yet another man in his 40s reacting to a mid-life crisis by becoming a spy?
4) Does my auto insurance cover acts of espionage?
3) Would I make a better James Bond or Austin Powers?
2) Does playing "I Spy" count as previous experience?
1) Can I keep a secret?
Top Ten Questions Asked on the SD-6 Job Application
10) How did you obtain intel about this position?
9) Are you a bleeder?
8) How many lies per minute can you type?
7) Do you have a fear of heights? Confined spaces? Guns? Needles? Fire? Water? Radioactive devices?
6) Will you keep all secrets to yourself even if someone offers you a boatload of cash?
5) Do you mind being drugged, knocked out, blindfolded and driven 200 miles to and from work every day?
4) Will you contribute to the 401(K) even though there's a good chance you won't see 65?
3) Do you give your word that you will do your best -- just kidding, like someone's word means anything around here.
2) Are any of your relatives employed by us?
1) Can you work weekends?
Top Ten Least Impressive Marshall Gadgets
10) Digital clock that is also a radio
9) Cuff links shaped like dice
8) Wet-dry beard trimmer with night vision
7) Football-shaped phone
6) Glove-compartment Slurpee machine
5) Super-itchy pants
4) Pepper grinder that dispenses a little too much pepper
3) Self-cleaning Isotoner gloves
2) More-realistic-than-usual rubber vomit
1) Stapler with hidden scotch-tape dispenser
Top Ten Rejected Names for Alias
10) Days of our Spies
9) My So-Called Job
8) Bristow 'N Bristow
7) Lifestyles of the Mean and Nasty
6) Sloane in Charge
5) My Two Lives
4) Suspicious Minds
3) Who Wants To Be A Double Agent?
2) Sydney and The Man
1) Two Guys, A Girl and The CIA
Top Ten Signs You're Not a Bristow
10) You don't own a single wig.
9) You trust members of your family.
8) You're in little danger of being investigated by the FBI.
7) The coolest gadget at your disposal is a staple remover.
6) You haven't been betrayed by anyone in the last week.
5) You speak only one language.
4) Telling other people about your job does not guarantee their untimely demise.
3) You can't remember the last time you were on an airplane.
2) Not once have you been accused of betraying your country.
1) You are happily involved in a relationship.
Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Spy Film
10) It's set in the dark, dangerous world of photocopier repair
9) "Jet pack" looks suspiciously like Hello Kitty backpack
8) Main character announces, "The name's Bond. Shecky Bond."
7) He keeps leaking classified information on his Facebook page
6) He has a license to fish
5) Hero's sole "high-tech gadget" is a broken TV remote
4) Sexy new Bond girl has five kids and a loving husband named Todd
3) All confrontations take place online, via Instant Messaging
2) Instead of plotting to take over the world, villains just complain about the weather
1) The heroes don't make a move without reviewing "Spying for Dummies"
Top Ten Signs You're a Bad Spy
10) You often ask people, "Mind if I spy on you for a sec?"
9) Your photos of secret documents are all just close-ups of your thumb.
8) Your name: "Billy." Your secret code name: "Double-0-Billy."
7) Concealed within your umbrella is a slightly smaller umbrella.
6) Always order your malt liquor shaken, not stirred.
5) You keep accidentally chewing your plastic explosives.
4) Instead of trench coat, you wear a lovely pink bathrobe.
3) On your passport, occupation listed as "not a spy, that's for damn sure!"
2) You look through wrong end of your telescope and report that "them Russians is tiny."
1) You recently defected to K-Mart.
Acknowledgments
* See the links page for some of our Top Ten suppliers/inspirations.
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