Top Ten Titles for Episodes We Didn't Want to See

10. Parsimony

9. Chagrin

8. The Rebuke

7. Ennui

6. Aerobicize

5. Introversion

4. The Bureaucrat

3. Inconveniences

2. True Disdain

1. Macrosymbioprotohelix

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Becoming A Spy

10. Do I look good in black?

9. Would being a spy require me to leave the house?

8. Do they have a dental plan?

7. Is 'Alias' an accurate depiction of the job?

6. What if I got stuck with a lame codename?

5. Am I yet another man in his 40s reacting to a mid-life crisis by becoming a spy?

4. Does my auto insurance cover acts of espionage?

3. Would I make a better James Bond or Austin Powers?

2. Does playing "I Spy" count as previous experience?

1. Can I keep a secret?

Top Ten Questions Asked on the SD-6 Job Application

10. How did you obtain intel about this position?

9. Are you a bleeder?

8. How many lies per minute can you type?

7. Do you have a fear of heights? Confined spaces? Guns? Needles? Fire? Water? Radioactive devices?

6. Will you keep all secrets to yourself even if someone offers you a boatload of cash?

5. Do you mind being drugged, knocked out, blindfolded and driven 200 miles to and from work every day?

4. Will you contribute to the 401(K) even though there's a good chance you won't see 65?

3. Do you give your word that you will do your best -- just kidding, like someone's word means anything around here.

2. Are any of your relatives employed by us?

1. Can you work weekends?

Top Ten Least Impressive Marshall Gadgets

10. Digital clock that is also a radio

9. Cuff links shaped like dice

8. Wet-dry beard trimmer with night vision

7. Football-shaped phone

6. Glove-compartment Slurpee machine

5. Super-itchy pants

4. Pepper grinder that dispenses a little too much pepper

3. Self-cleaning Isotoner gloves

2. More-realistic-than-usual rubber vomit

1. Stapler with hidden scotch-tape dispenser

Top Ten Rejected Names for 'Alias'

10. Days of our Spies

9. My So-Called Job

8. Bristow 'N Bristow

7. Lifestyles of the Mean and Nasty

6. Sloane in Charge

5. My Two Lives

4. Suspicious Minds

3. Who Wants To Be A Double Agent?

2. Sydney and The Man

1. Two Guys, A Girl and The CIA

Top Ten Signs You're Not a Bristow

10. You don't own a single wig.

9. You trust members of your family.

8. You're in little danger of being investigated by the FBI.

7. The coolest gadget at your disposal is a staple remover.

6. You haven't been betrayed by anyone in the last week.

5. You speak only one language.

4. Telling other people about your job does not guarantee their untimely demise.

3. You can't remember the last time you were on an airplane.

2. Not once have you been accused of betraying your country.

1. You are happily involved in a relationship.

Top Ten Signs You're a Bad Spy

10. You often ask people, "Mind if I spy on you for a sec?"

9. Your photos of secret documents are all just close-ups of your thumb.

8. Your name: "Billy." Your secret code name: "Double-0-Billy."

7. Concealed within your umbrella is a slightly smaller umbrella.

6. Always order your malt liquor shaken, not stirred.

5. You keep accidentally chewing your plastic explosives.

4. Instead of trench coat, you wear a lovely pink bathrobe.

3. On your passport, occupation listed as "not a spy, that's for damn sure!"

2. You look through wrong end of your telescope and report that "them Russians is tiny."

1. You recently defected to K-Mart.

* Some of these are from the Late Show, some are inspired by Alias, and some are from the dark recesses of my mind.