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Lessons Learned from Alias

  1. Some people can get their wigs to stay on really well.
  2. Know your employer.
  3. Sometimes the truth hurts. A lot.
  4. A tight dress is really all a girl needs to crash some very "swank" parties.
  5. Only an American would come to someone's door without telephoning.
  6. You don't need a gun to be deadly.
  7. Friends are good.
  8. If you find a high-tech listening device, telling it your name and phone number is not a good idea.
  9. College can be more painful than torture.
  10. Sometimes "I'm sorry" just isn't enough.
  11. You never know when you'll need the services of a technical genius.
  12. When in doubt: smile and fake it.
  13. For clandestine spy meetings, you can't beat a bloodmobile.
  14. She who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
  15. Never underestimate your enemy.
  16. Company policy prohibits employees dating: does anyone really care?
  17. Sometimes bad things happen to good people.
  18. Sometimes bad things happen to bad people.
  19. To make any office feel more personal, add a candy jar.
  20. Throwing your pager into the ocean might make you feel better.
  21. Liking people that you work with can make your life very complicated.
  22. Even cool super-spies get jealous.
  23. Luck is often worth more than skill.
  24. Never break up with someone while you are a passenger in their car.
  25. Try not to take your work home with you.
  26. You don't always know what you think you know.
  27. There are some fascinating documentaries about monkeys.
  28. It's okay to give someone the finger, as long as it's in a box.
  29. Try not to assume the worst about members of your family.
  30. When someone tells you to keep a secret, you really shouldn't share it with anyone.
  31. Don't try Bond-esque stunts at home!
  32. Look closely: that televised car chase could involve your roommate.
  33. When setting a trap, you may have to use the good stuff as bait.
  34. Rarely is it a good thing that the boss wants to talk to you.
  35. It is a very bad thing to take advantage of someone's trust in you.
  36. Sometimes it is necessary to work with people that you don't like.
  37. It sucks being a double agent.
  38. Just because someone dies does not mean that they are dead.
  39. Your true love married someone else? She is definitely evil.
  40. Under no circumstances should you swallow a biological weapon.
  41. Before knocking someone out, secure their bottle of Coca Cola.
  42. Tranquilizers should be considered essential for every mission.
  43. Never hug a spy who's cracking up.
  44. Spiders can be good luck - if they're really there.
  45. 'numps' actually is a word
  46. To be inconspicuous when fleeing from your evil boss, wear a bright red wig and a sparkly tee shirt.
  47. The screwdriver is the best invention in the world (no, not the drink, lol)
  48. Don't assume someone is married
  49. Just because your mom died in a car accident when you were six doesn't mean she isn't alive and a criminal mastermind
  50. It's not a good idea to mouthe off at your mom when she's got a gun pointed at you
  51. No one is ever actually dead
  52. If there is a sniper shooting at you, it is most likely a family member or coworker
  53. If your boyfriend goes after another woman, you can always stab him in the stomach
  54. Black cars and sunglasses = bad news
  55. You can charm your way out of any situation
  56. Always be prepared
  57. Inflatable chairs aerodynamically hug those with minor forms of scoliosis
  58. You do NOT have the most dysfunctional family on the planet
  59. Never trust wine your husband gives to you
  60. Sydney already knows what a paper bag looks like
  61. Eating newspaper is a condition
  62. There's no drug like adrenaline
  63. When sentenced to community service, bring sunscreen
  64. Your dad may not be talking about your Christmas presents...
  65. Francie doesn't like coffee ice cream
  66. Always lock your dressing room door
  67. Never shower when someone else is in your home
  68. If you book someone on a flight to Singapore under an alias, tell them before their reporter friend finds out
  69. Throw away your plane tickets from secret missions
  70. DO NOT tell your fiancé that you are a spy unless you really want to end the relationship
  71. If you see a strange puzzle in a bad guy's house, just leave it alone
  72. Always have a backup plan
  73. Keep a technical genius on speed-dial in case you find yourself straddling a nuke
  74. Three bullet wounds to the chest do not a dead person make
  75. In college, make sure your term papers have soul
  76. There are other ways to get a liquor license...
  77. The creepy guy hitting on you in the office may come back to haunt you
  78. You never know when Big Brother is watching
  79. Electroshock tubs suck
  80. Start with the teeth in the back
  81. The first encounter with the soon-to-be love of your life is not always magical
  82. Your dad still being in love with your mom could be very very bad
  83. Hot girls can crash any party
  84. You can graduate from school going to about 5 classes
  85. No-one goes to the store in the middle of the night just because they ran out of something
  86. Nobody taught people in Mexico not to run when they are on fire
  87. Some homeless men have jobs
  88. Techno is a language
  89. Sometimes you can find better information in websites than in CIA files
  90. Never leave your laptop while you are showering
  91. Nothing in your life has to be plausible. Nothing
  92. Throwing an ice pick into someone's internal organs/other vital body parts is most definitely a sign of love
  93. Being able to catch a fly by the wings automatically makes anyone 10 times cooler
  94. If some one says something such as "I'm your ally. Never question that." an occasion where you have to question them will arise. Soon.
  95. Pong rocks and is a very useful distraction
  96. Never go out with some one with the last name 'Hicks'. It can only end tragically.
  97. Wrapping paper can make a great skirt
  98. Just as severe damage (i.e. have your kneecaps split or your head drilled into) is about to be inflicted upon you, your love will always save you
  99. Blue hair can look very intimidating . . . if worn with the right outfit
  100. The zamboni is not allowed to be your favorite part of the game
  101. Frosting the pie is not a good idea
  102. Just because people have missing fingers, were shot at many times, or died in a car crash doesn't mean they're dead
  103. There is no difference between 500 year old manuscripts written by medieval lunatics and modern day post-it notes. None.
  104. Playing a turkey in your school play will come back later in life to torment you
  105. Some people just don't have first names
  106. If your current one is too slow, it is much easier to go capture a new super genius than put up with the one you have
  107. A lot of people admire blue Ford Focuses
  108. Don't let just anyone in your car trunk
  109. It's real embarrassing to be shot at on your first date
  110. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Sometimes it's vice versa
  111. Always show up prepared on your first day of training. It might just stick with you
  112. 'The Man' is a non-gender specific role
  113. Pay attention in music class. You might learn something you need later in life
  114. People's voices sound entirely different in Japanese. So much so that even your closest friends, co-workers, and enemies won't be able to recognize it
  115. Taking pictures can mean a lot. In more ways than one
  116. Never outright tell someone they're going to die, just give them such obvious clues they're aware of the threat
  117. Joey's makes the best pizza
  118. A Tuscan villa is just another name for a charming old warehouse, and a garden is merely a lovely steel wall
  119. When in doubt, always wear the coat with the built-in parachute
  120. Always pay attention when they teach you how to hold your breath in swim class
  121. Hypnotic regression is a fast and easy do-it-yourself way to get all the information you need from your friends and lovers
  122. Anything, and I mean anything, can be hidden in a cell phone
  123. Always pull the fire alarm before opening a safe
  124. If your boyfriend writes for a travel magazine, and you've never read any of his articles, something's up.
  125. Safe houses aren't always the safest place to be
  126. Always remember the kinds of ice cream you and your best friend like
  127. black kitty is supposed to be intimidating
  128. sentimental moments can be expressed after the turkey is no longer burning
  129. the only way you know somebody really is who they supposedly are is by an optical scan or by their dental records
  130. F 150s are easy to hotwire
  131. If crossing a field looks easy, you've never experienced land mines
  132. you always have a handy blow-torch when you need to burn a chip for blackmail
  133. there might be a secondary detonator
  134. if your wife is a sworn enemy of the country you serve there were NEVER some moments when "our marriage was real ... even to me"
  135. run away when someone who is wrapped in C-4 starts singing "Pop Goes the Weasel"
  136. never remove your memory, it complicates things
  137. when disarming a bomb never pick your partner's son's favorite color :*(
  138. collaborate with a mastermind prophet-you may live 500+ years!
  139. when you live only to fly with a computer and you have a 'special friend' every week, DO NOT tell her to change when she already looks great with the black teddy, she might choke you!
  140. if you have an enemy with k-directorate who is pretty much your match in everything, do not worry, after a while she will be tired of competing with you and totally drop out of your show
  141. if your fiancé was killed and you are asked to go save somebody who sees in black and white and responds to a poem, refuse, you may go through a trauma
  142. If your friend's fiancé dies while your friend has a weird bank job, don't investigate!
  143. Don't talk to any men from Taipei who are known as "Suit and Glasses".
  144. Don't anger the hot British guy.
  145. Don't accept any bank jobs with weird work hours.
  146. Don't believe your mom died in a car crash when you were six.
  147. Have good Health Insurance.
  148. Kill your evil boss at any means necessary.
  149. If you have a valuable item that needs securing, don't hold a swanky party down stairs in the same building -- This is just an invitation for someone to steal it.
  150. Run full background checks on all acquaintances -- any one of them could be KGB
  151. Don't give a woman an excuse to stab you -- she'll do it!!
  152. Drive like you're in a car chase every day -- the police will never be around to catch you
  153. Wrong numbers can be lethal -- (joeys pizza)
  154. Secret agent training school lectures include "Dressing to Kill" by Barbie, and "The many outfits of subversion" by Ken
  155. Trying to dig up and revive a strained relationship with a parent is never a good idea -- the past can hold some weird revelations.
  156. As well as safeguarding your credit cards and passport -- watch your teeth -- the pulp inside them can ALSO be used for identity fraud
  157. If on the run from the bad guys avoid safe houses -- despite their name -- NOT SO SAFE
  158. Be suspicious of all frequent flyers, people who give blood and all bank workers.
  159. When disarming any bomb always stop the countdown bang on 2 seconds -- a bit of drama goes a long way towards that pay rise you've been wanting.
  160. nursery rhymes such as "pop goes the weasel" can be hazardous to your health.
  161. certain married couples take that whole "till death do us part" thing very seriously.
  162. be wary of those who "just sell airplane parts".
  163. credit dauphine is a lousy bank.
  164. always carry a machete-just in case.
  165. breathing air from a tire can be beneficial to one's health.
  166. wearing your hair in pigtails attracts creeps.
  167. a good bottle of wine always contains a radioactive isotope or some bizarre medication.
  168. it is a known fact: blue ford focuses are taking over the world!
  169. all buff construction workers come from the witness protection program.
  170. explosive necklaces are the latest fashion item.
  171. a roommate who hides funky antibiotics is very bad news-really bad news!
  172. got wigs?
  173. if you want to succeed in business, a briefcase/rocket sled is a must.
  174. WARNING: the 500 year old bottled green stuff is not the newest flavor of kool-aid.
  175. safety deposit boxes can contain some f****ed up s***!
  176. if your mother is an assassin/KGB agent/head of a criminal organization, and your father is an assassin/mind control scientist/amateur surgeon, Dr. Phil and Oprah will NOT be able to help you.
  177. nothing says "I love you" like a severed finger.
  178. St. Aidan's does not accept health insurance.
  179. If a fire alarm goes off in the middle of the night-ignore it - it's just someone opening a safe.
  180. Always have more than one storage locker stocked with corrosive acids, guns, surgical equipment and of course, several million dollars.

Acknowledgments

* Thanks to Jennie for numbers 45 through 80!
* Thanks to Alejandra for numbers 81 through 90!
* Thanks to Tylenna for numbers 91 through 126!
* Thanks to Sara for numbers 127 through 141!
* Thanks to Deena for numbers 142 through 148!
* Thanks to Dave for numbers 149 through 159!
* Thanks to Loretta for numbers 160 through 180!


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