Lessons Learned from Alias
- Some people can get their wigs to stay on really well.
- Know your employer.
- Sometimes the truth hurts. A lot.
- A tight dress is really all a girl needs to crash some very "swank" parties.
- Only an American would come to someone's door without telephoning.
- You don't need a gun to be deadly.
- Friends are good.
- If you find a high-tech listening device, telling it your name and phone number is not a good idea.
- College can be more painful than torture.
- Sometimes "I'm sorry" just isn't enough.
- You never know when you'll need the services of a technical genius.
- When in doubt: smile and fake it.
- For clandestine spy meetings, you can't beat a bloodmobile.
- She who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
- Never underestimate your enemy.
- Company policy prohibits employees dating: does anyone really care?
- Sometimes bad things happen to good people.
- Sometimes bad things happen to bad people.
- To make any office feel more personal, add a candy jar.
- Throwing your pager into the ocean might make you feel better.
- Liking people that you work with can make your life very complicated.
- Even cool super-spies get jealous.
- Luck is often worth more than skill.
- Never break up with someone while you are a passenger in their car.
- Try not to take your work home with you.
- You don't always know what you think you know.
- There are some fascinating documentaries about monkeys.
- It's okay to give someone the finger, as long as it's in a box.
- Try not to assume the worst about members of your family.
- When someone tells you to keep a secret, you really shouldn't share it with anyone.
- Don't try Bond-esque stunts at home!
- Look closely: that televised car chase could involve your roommate.
- When setting a trap, you may have to use the good stuff as bait.
- Rarely is it a good thing that the boss wants to talk to you.
- It is a very bad thing to take advantage of someone's trust in you.
- Sometimes it is necessary to work with people that you don't like.
- It sucks being a double agent.
- Just because someone dies does not mean that they are dead.
- Your true love married someone else? She is definitely evil.
- Under no circumstances should you swallow a biological weapon.
- Before knocking someone out, secure their bottle of Coca Cola.
- Tranquilizers should be considered essential for every mission.
- Never hug a spy who's cracking up.
- Spiders can be good luck - if they're really there.
- 'numps' actually is a word
- To be inconspicuous when fleeing from your evil boss, wear a bright red wig and a sparkly tee shirt.
- The screwdriver is the best invention in the world (no, not the drink, lol)
- Don't assume someone is married
- Just because your mom died in a car accident when you were six doesn't mean she isn't alive and a criminal mastermind
- It's not a good idea to mouthe off at your mom when she's got a gun pointed at you
- No one is ever actually dead
- If there is a sniper shooting at you, it is most likely a family member or coworker
- If your boyfriend goes after another woman, you can always stab him in the stomach
- Black cars and sunglasses = bad news
- You can charm your way out of any situation
- Always be prepared
- Inflatable chairs aerodynamically hug those with minor forms of scoliosis
- You do NOT have the most dysfunctional family on the planet
- Never trust wine your husband gives to you
- Sydney already knows what a paper bag looks like
- Eating newspaper is a condition
- There's no drug like adrenaline
- When sentenced to community service, bring sunscreen
- Your dad may not be talking about your Christmas presents...
- Francie doesn't like coffee ice cream
- Always lock your dressing room door
- Never shower when someone else is in your home
- If you book someone on a flight to Singapore under an alias, tell them before their reporter friend finds out
- Throw away your plane tickets from secret missions
- DO NOT tell your fiancé that you are a spy unless you really want to end the relationship
- If you see a strange puzzle in a bad guy's house, just leave it alone
- Always have a backup plan
- Keep a technical genius on speed-dial in case you find yourself straddling a nuke
- Three bullet wounds to the chest do not a dead person make
- In college, make sure your term papers have soul
- There are other ways to get a liquor license...
- The creepy guy hitting on you in the office may come back to haunt you
- You never know when Big Brother is watching
- Electroshock tubs suck
- Start with the teeth in the back
- The first encounter with the soon-to-be love of your life is not always magical
- Your dad still being in love with your mom could be very very bad
- Hot girls can crash any party
- You can graduate from school going to about 5 classes
- No-one goes to the store in the middle of the night just because they ran out of something
- Nobody taught people in Mexico not to run when they are on fire
- Some homeless men have jobs
- Techno is a language
- Sometimes you can find better information in websites than in CIA files
- Never leave your laptop while you are showering
- Nothing in your life has to be plausible. Nothing
- Throwing an ice pick into someone's internal organs/other vital body parts is most definitely a sign of love
- Being able to catch a fly by the wings automatically makes anyone 10 times cooler
- If some one says something such as "I'm your ally. Never question that." an occasion where you have to question them will arise. Soon.
- Pong rocks and is a very useful distraction
- Never go out with some one with the last name 'Hicks'. It can only end tragically.
- Wrapping paper can make a great skirt
- Just as severe damage (i.e. have your kneecaps split or your head drilled into) is about to be inflicted upon you, your love will always save you
- Blue hair can look very intimidating . . . if worn with the right outfit
- The zamboni is not allowed to be your favorite part of the game
- Frosting the pie is not a good idea
- Just because people have missing fingers, were shot at many times, or died in a car crash doesn't mean they're dead
- There is no difference between 500 year old manuscripts written by medieval lunatics and modern day post-it notes. None.
- Playing a turkey in your school play will come back later in life to torment you
- Some people just don't have first names
- If your current one is too slow, it is much easier to go capture a new super genius than put up with the one you have
- A lot of people admire blue Ford Focuses
- Don't let just anyone in your car trunk
- It's real embarrassing to be shot at on your first date
- Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Sometimes it's vice versa
- Always show up prepared on your first day of training. It might just stick with you
- 'The Man' is a non-gender specific role
- Pay attention in music class. You might learn something you need later in life
- People's voices sound entirely different in Japanese. So much so that even your closest friends, co-workers, and enemies won't be able to recognize it
- Taking pictures can mean a lot. In more ways than one
- Never outright tell someone they're going to die, just give them such obvious clues they're aware of the threat
- Joey's makes the best pizza
- A Tuscan villa is just another name for a charming old warehouse, and a garden is merely a lovely steel wall
- When in doubt, always wear the coat with the built-in parachute
- Always pay attention when they teach you how to hold your breath in swim class
- Hypnotic regression is a fast and easy do-it-yourself way to get all the information you need from your friends and lovers
- Anything, and I mean anything, can be hidden in a cell phone
- Always pull the fire alarm before opening a safe
- If your boyfriend writes for a travel magazine, and you've never read any of his articles, something's up.
- Safe houses aren't always the safest place to be
- Always remember the kinds of ice cream you and your best friend like
- black kitty is supposed to be intimidating
- sentimental moments can be expressed after the turkey is no longer burning
- the only way you know somebody really is who they supposedly are is by an optical scan or by their dental records
- F 150s are easy to hotwire
- If crossing a field looks easy, you've never experienced land mines
- you always have a handy blow-torch when you need to burn a chip for blackmail
- there might be a secondary detonator
- if your wife is a sworn enemy of the country you serve there were NEVER some moments when "our marriage was real ... even to me"
- run away when someone who is wrapped in C-4 starts singing "Pop Goes the Weasel"
- never remove your memory, it complicates things
- when disarming a bomb never pick your partner's son's favorite color :*(
- collaborate with a mastermind prophet-you may live 500+ years!
- when you live only to fly with a computer and you have a 'special friend' every week, DO NOT tell her to change when she already looks great with the black teddy, she might choke you!
- if you have an enemy with k-directorate who is pretty much your match in everything, do not worry, after a while she will be tired of competing with you and totally drop out of your show
- if your fiancé was killed and you are asked to go save somebody who sees in black and white and responds to a poem, refuse, you may go through a trauma
- If your friend's fiancé dies while your friend has a weird bank job, don't investigate!
- Don't talk to any men from Taipei who are known as "Suit and Glasses".
- Don't anger the hot British guy.
- Don't accept any bank jobs with weird work hours.
- Don't believe your mom died in a car crash when you were six.
- Have good Health Insurance.
- Kill your evil boss at any means necessary.
- If you have a valuable item that needs securing, don't hold a swanky party down stairs in the same building -- This is just an invitation for someone to steal it.
- Run full background checks on all acquaintances -- any one of them could be KGB
- Don't give a woman an excuse to stab you -- she'll do it!!
- Drive like you're in a car chase every day -- the police will never be around to catch you
- Wrong numbers can be lethal -- (joeys pizza)
- Secret agent training school lectures include "Dressing to Kill" by Barbie, and "The many outfits of subversion" by Ken
- Trying to dig up and revive a strained relationship with a parent is never a good idea -- the past can hold some weird revelations.
- As well as safeguarding your credit cards and passport -- watch your teeth -- the pulp inside them can ALSO be used for identity fraud
- If on the run from the bad guys avoid safe houses -- despite their name -- NOT SO SAFE
- Be suspicious of all frequent flyers, people who give blood and all bank workers.
- When disarming any bomb always stop the countdown bang on 2 seconds -- a bit of drama goes a long way towards that pay rise you've been wanting.
- nursery rhymes such as "pop goes the weasel" can be hazardous to your health.
- certain married couples take that whole "till death do us part" thing very seriously.
- be wary of those who "just sell airplane parts".
- credit dauphine is a lousy bank.
- always carry a machete-just in case.
- breathing air from a tire can be beneficial to one's health.
- wearing your hair in pigtails attracts creeps.
- a good bottle of wine always contains a radioactive isotope or some bizarre medication.
- it is a known fact: blue ford focuses are taking over the world!
- all buff construction workers come from the witness protection program.
- explosive necklaces are the latest fashion item.
- a roommate who hides funky antibiotics is very bad news-really bad news!
- got wigs?
- if you want to succeed in business, a briefcase/rocket sled is a must.
- WARNING: the 500 year old bottled green stuff is not the newest flavor of kool-aid.
- safety deposit boxes can contain some f****ed up s***!
- if your mother is an assassin/KGB agent/head of a criminal organization, and your father is an assassin/mind control scientist/amateur surgeon, Dr. Phil and Oprah will NOT be able to help you.
- nothing says "I love you" like a severed finger.
- St. Aidan's does not accept health insurance.
- If a fire alarm goes off in the middle of the night-ignore it - it's just someone opening a safe.
- Always have more than one storage locker stocked with corrosive acids, guns, surgical equipment and of course, several million dollars.
Acknowledgments
* Thanks to Jennie for numbers 45 through 80!
* Thanks to Alejandra for numbers 81 through 90!
* Thanks to Tylenna for numbers 91 through 126!
* Thanks to Sara for numbers 127 through 141!
* Thanks to Deena for numbers 142 through 148!
* Thanks to Dave for numbers 149 through 159!
* Thanks to Loretta for numbers 160 through 180!
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