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How to Spot a Spy

Sometimes it's tough to know when people are deceiving you. (Just ask Sydney Bristow!) Here are a few tips to help you spot a spy.


Your dad might be a spy if:

- he always mentions a "secure line" when you call.
- he claims to sell airplane parts.
- not matter what occasion, his face has the same expression.
- when watching a spy flick, he is quick to point out the inaccuracies in plots, weapons, etc.
- you hear a report of (spy activity) on the evening news, and he quickly says, "I have no involvement with that."
- when the waitress asks how he wants his steak, he will only recite his name, rank and serial number.
- he begins every conversation by saying, "Hey, you know any secrets?"
- the bumper sticker on his car fender reads: "I'd rather be spyin'."
- after one too many drinks, he asks, "Want to see your FBI file?"
- he organized the class trip and took you on a tour of South Korean radar installations
- he offers to make your competition for class president disappear
- instead of HBO, you have a direct video hookup to Saddam Hussein's bedroom
- on more than a few occasions, you have heard: "I have no idea how that got there."
- you tried to use his ballpoint pen and accidentally shot yourself in the butt


Your mom might be a spy if:

- she is oddly knowledgeable about what is happening in your life.
- she has more wigs and costumes than most theatre companies.
- more than once, you catch her whispering into the refrigerator magnets.
- she goes out for a quart of milk; returns weeks later with a tan and a suitcase full of cash.
- during dinner, the butter dish keeps whispering, "Agent 29, come in, Agent 29."
- she's always joking that her meatloaf is "harder to crack than a Pentagon code."
- you have yet to beat her at a game of "I spy."
- when someone says, "Take my picture," she instinctively clicks a button on her pendant.


Your best friend might be a spy if:

- travels a lot "on business."
- frequently visits the bloodmobile.
- tries to convince you that the detailed layout of the Vatican is for a school project.
- receives telephone calls for the same wrong number on a regular basis.
- always knows when you're bluffing at poker, yet has the most untelling poker face of anyone you've ever met.
- has a boss who gives off a distinctly evil vibe.


Acknowledgments

* Some of these are from David Letterman's Top Ten lists on the Late Show. (See the links page for the link to his site.)


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