All in Her Head
by Anne Bristow
Summary: While posing as Julia, Sydney struggles to remember her old life.
Author's Notes: This is set during the time (before season three) when Sydney was posing as Julia Thorne.
. . .
Sydney had been in bed too long. As usual, she hadn't slept more than a couple of hours. She wouldn't allow herself to be out of reality for that long, even though her life now was so far removed from reality she frequently struggled to recall what was real. From her bed, she would stare through the skylight at the angel statue on the building next door and rack her brain, trying to separate the truth from the lies.
She'd had plenty of practice with the art of deception as a double agent, and she often scolded herself for having such trouble with it now. At least during her time with SD-6 there were brief - very brief - moments when she could let her guard down; she *needed* those times. She truly believed those small escapes were all that kept her sane, and she relished those memories, noting every detail in her mind lest she should forget something.
The memories of Vaughn were a special treat. Here in her apartment in Rome, she was grateful for that angel statue because it never failed to remind her of Vaughn, her "guardian angel." She smiled for only a moment before the pain of his anguish that day on the beach stabbed her in the heart again. After all they'd been through, she refused to believe that he had truly accepted that she was dead. She pictured his hope and his determination to find her, and this strengthened her own resolve to keep going, to keep waiting for her chance to escape.
. . .