Top Tens!

Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid

10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed

5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you"

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown"

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

Top Ten Department Store Santa Pet Peeves

10. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it

9. They insist that you work Christmas Eve

8. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "America's Most Wanted"

7. Kids who refuse to believe that's fruitcake on your breath, not gin

6. That billionaire elf from Texas who won't shut up about running for president

5. It breaks your heart when Amish kids ask for a Nintendo that doesn't require electricity.

4. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes

3. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a pinch of Skoal

2. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Yale Drama School

1. December 26th rolls around, and all of a sudden you're just another fat guy.

Top Ten Things Overheard In Santa's Workshop

10. Whose tiny fingers are these in the table saw?

9. The Keebler Elves? Yeah, making cookies...there's a tough gig

8. Hey Santa, it's Anna Nicole Smith on the phone for you

7. You know Rudolph's 'naturally red nose'? Collagen injection

6. Uh-oh--looks like Fat Boy drank his lunch again

5. Shut down the assembly line for the 'Central Park West' action figures

4. Which gifts should we plant at O.J.'s house?

3. Whew! Mia Farrow sure has a lot of kids!

2. Someday I'm gonna make it outta here, just like Ross Perot did

1. All these wish lists! What about *my* needs?

Top Ten Signs The Stress Is Getting To Santa

10. He's begun selling elves on e-bay

9. Giving every child in world a broken Slinky and a card that reads "Go nuts"

8. After every stop, he frantically washes his hands

7. Complaining that he's a grown man "surrounded by midgets and red-nosed donkeys"

6. Has been making personal appearances wearing Mrs. Claus's red velvet gown

5. After first "Ho..." often trails off into silence

4. He's spending Christmas Eve on a bus to Miami

3. His "Christmas carols" contain a lot of rhymes with the word "Nantucket"

2. At breakfast, puts vodka on his pancakes and drinks shots of maple syrup

1. He's down to 530 pounds

Top Ten Things That Would Get Santa Claus Impeached

10. After every toy request says "Yeah, right."

9. Skipping his Christmas Eve duties "because it's 'E.R.' night."

8. The swing he took at his arresting officer on "Cops."

7. Dodging the I.R.S. for decades by spreading rumor that he doesn't really exist.

6. Having "improper relationship" with a Furby.

5. During off-season, renting his sleigh to heroin smugglers.

4. Letting Asian businessmen buy their way onto the "nice" list.

3. He's packing heat.

2. His idea of "elves" is just Santa's way of getting around child labor laws.

1. Turns out he's a Scientologist.

Top Ten Signs Santa's Lost His Mind

10. Instead of filling your stocking, he leaves gifts in your underwear drawer

9. Begins every sentence with "Last Chrismas, when I was sane..."

8. Abandoned traditional red suit for a Metallica tee-shirt and a kilt

7. Refers to himself as "Claus. James Claus"

6. If left alone, will eat every present in his sack.

5. Claims he can't drive the sleigh because it ruins his Lee Press-On Nails

4. Keep introducing everyone to his pet ice cube "Lucy"

3. He's running out of body parts to pierce

2. He leaves the cookies and eats the plate

1. Concludes each house visit by dramatically asking, "Deal, or No Deal?"

Top Ten Signs You're On Santa's Naughty List

10. People refer to you as The Un-Nice One

9. Others get candy canes, you get a ball of rusty barbed wire

8. Santa sends his drunk brother Ronnie Kringle

7. You spend ten minutes telling him what you want -- he says, "Oh, I'm sorry, were you talking to me?"

6. You're being stalked by an elf hitman

5. Santa brings you a new car -- right through the living room wall.

4. He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, and he calls the police on you.

3. Santa doesn't seem to be "jolly" so much as "seething and vengeful"

2. Rudolph left your "gift" up on the roof

1. Your stocking is ticking

Credit: many of these lists are pieced together by me from ones on David Letterman's show. Thanks, Dave!

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