Christmas Top Tens
Top Ten Holiday Traditions In The Military
10. Gluing Santa beard to your gas mask
9. Roasting chestnuts with an M4-A3 flamethrower
8. Draw up list of who's naughty, who's nice and who can't run their 2 miles without wheezing like an infant
7. Christmas morning, getting to sleep in till 0530
6. Want a Playstation 2? Fire Tomahawk missiles at Santa's behind
5. You open a gift and surprise! It's a khaki-colored t-shirt
4. Extra R&R for any personnel named Donner or Blitzen
3. There's always plenty of parking at the mall when you're driving a tank
2. Watching "Frosty" and crying their eyes out, Sir!
1. Freeze-dried, shelf-stable, vacuum-sealed eggnog
Top Ten Signs You Won't Receive a Christmas Bonus
10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "inexcusable" appeared 78 times
1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets
Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Office Christmas Party
10. Eggnog smells suspiciously like Liquid Paper.
9. Anyone caught under mistletoe gets choked by Latrell Sprewell.
8. Because of "corporate downsizing," Santa is only 120 pounds.
7. Only food available is something called "reindeer kebabs."
6. Shady guy ringing bells for something called the "Salvation Navy"
5. All party games involve keeping a careful log of when each needle drops off the tree.
4. For the 16th year in a row, the Canadian band leader has passed out in the eggnog.
3. Thanks to the alcohol-free punch, not a single behind gets photocopied.
2. Christmas tree is just a fat intern in a green sweater.
1. It's held every year on July 23rd.
Ten More Signs You're at a Bad Office Christmas Party
10. A camera crew is there from the new reality show: Bad Office Parties, Christmas Edition.
9. Santa hired for party arrives handcuffed to his parole officer
8. Stockings are stuffed with the office supplies you already had.
7. Everyone's arrested for listening to illegally downloaded Bing Crosby CD
6. Instead of "The Night Before Christmas," boss recites employees' personal e-mails.
5. Party expenses are deducted from your 401K
4. The caterer: Chef Boy-ar-dee
3. This year, it's your turn to be the pinata
2. Your boss insists on reading one of his lame top ten lists
1. Party consists of you, Bill Clinton, and a whole lot of mistletoe
Top Ten Signs You Bought a Bad Christmas Tree
10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers.
7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.
6. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.
5. Keeps heckling your lame list
4. Its nickname? "Timberrrrr!"
3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
2. Some guy named Mujibur puts a crappy Statue of Liberty on top of it.
1. It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.
Top Ten Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents
10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh wow -- Q-Tips"
9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving wrapping paper
8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps
7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney
6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You Are Cheap"
5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on the Home Shopping Network
4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him a date with Cindy Crawford
3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to convert to Islam
2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed
1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- junk dot com?"
Top Ten Signs You're Having a Bad Holiday Season
10. All of the Christmas cards you receive are addressed to "Resident."
9. On the one hand you got that great new clock radio; on the other hand there are cruise missiles heading for your palace.
8. You're riding in a one-horse closed sleigh, and your wife keeps whining, "Oh what fun we'd be having if only this were an open sleigh!"
7. A week after Christmas, you notice a bizarre smell coming from the chimney.
6. The first words your Furby says are, "Take me back to the store."
5. You're wrapping presents with rejected drafts of your suicide note.
4. You've had more than one fist fight with a mall cop.
3. Every person you know gets you an industrial-sized bottle of Clearasil.
2. The FBI finds your handprints on Mrs. Claus's dress.
1. Two words: tinsel rash.
Top Ten Signs You're Sick of the Holidays
10. You've got red and green bags under your eyes
9. You're serving reindeer pot pie
8. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"
7. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your BB gun
6. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you
5. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies
4. You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.
3. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears
2. Your standard response, "Happy freakin' holidays to you too"
1. You opt to stay in bed until April
Top Ten Rejected Holiday Specials
10. Gallagher Smashes Melons in Bethlehem
9. A Creepy, Creepy Christmas with Michael Jackson
8. Fox TV's "When Reindeer Attack!"
7. A Country Holiday with Martha Stewart and a Bunch of Actors Pretending to Be Her Family
6. The Grinch Who Stole Second Base
5. Christmas at Riker's Island: It's A Wonderful 10-Years-to-Life
4. Bob Dole Remembers the Very First Christmas
3. Skunk 'n' Gator's Holiday Fiesta
2. The President Who Ate Christmas
1. Richard Simmons' Fruitcake Extravaganza
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying Egg Nog
10. "Am I feeling sufficiently noggy today?"
9. "What's the best egg-to-nog ratio?"
8. "I have high cholesterol -- is there egg white nog?"
7. "What other disgusting egg-based beverages could I try?"
6. "Has this egg nog been approved by the Nogmaster General?"
5. "Is egg my best choice of nog?"
4. "Which one's the egg nog that all the rappers drink?"
3. "Do I really feel like drinking this crap?"
2. "What would Jesus drink?"
1. "Which came first, the egg or the nog?"
Top Ten Uses For Fruitcake
10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words: lethal weapon.
source (tweaked by me)
Ten More Uses for Fruitcake
10. Boat anchor.
9. Take it to the office and use it for a paper weight.
7. Use it as a step stool in your kitchen.
6. Let the little kids use it as a booster seat.
5. Save it for summer and use it for a flower press.
4. Carry it in your trunk to use in emergencies for a tire block.
3. Put it in your workshop and use it for an anvil.
2. Save it until next year and use it as a Yule log.
1. Save it until next year and give it back to the person who gave it to you.
source (tweaked by me)
Even More Uses for Fruitcake
1. Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so people won't park on your lawn.
2. Use it as building material. (This is actually what the Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)
3. Keep one under your pillow for home defense.
4. Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them to take you off their list.
5. It's colorful, use it as a Yule Log.
6. Carve the Presidents' faces in it and submit as a science or art project.
7. Give one to your boss and tell him it's a life preserver.
8. Use it as a base for flower arrangements.
9. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel blocks.
10. Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag marked "lawn fertilizer."
11. For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build an artificial reef.
12. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to keep your feet dry.
Many of these lists are pieced together by me from ones on David Letterman's show. Thanks, Dave!
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