The Gift of Christmas

Christmas Jokes


So Pun-ny

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!

What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas!

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.

Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
Deery Queen

Why are a lion at the beach and Christmas alike?
Because the lion has sandy claws.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.

What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold.

Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone.

What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.

What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude"olph

How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells, Jungle Bells..!

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else!

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?
Grave-y!

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D"!

Who delivers cats' Christmas presents?
Santa Paws!

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Black mail!

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

What do they call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
Krisp Kringle

Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis

What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
Comet

What does Santa like to eat?
A jolly roll

What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophbia

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws

Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes


Christmas Shorts

One Christmas, I got a battery with a note saying "toy not included"...

The 3 stages of man:
1. He believes in Santa Claus
2. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
3. He is Santa Claus

Jack: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer 'Olive'?
Jill: Olive?
Jack: Yeah, you know,"Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."

Two brothers we are, belonging to Santa,
Great burdens we bear by which we are bitterly pressed;
The truth is to say we are full all the day
And empty when we go to rest. What can we be?
Santa's boots.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open till Christmas!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithful...!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avery
Avery who?
Avery merry Christmas!


Best-Ever Rum Cake

1 or 2 quarts rum, baking powder, 1c. butter, 1tsp. soda, 1tsp. sugar, 1 tsp. lemon juice, 2 large eggs, 2 c. brown sugar, 1c. dried fruit, 1 c. nuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second quart, if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If fruit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one spoon of brown sugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour whole mess into the oven and bake. Check the rum again, and bo to ged.


The Gift of Christmas website is a rusted-crush production, with grateful acknowledgment to the sources that have helped make this site and this layout possible. Thank you for visiting. Enjoy the site! A very Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!