Best-Ever Rum Cake
1 or 2 quarts rum, baking powder, 1c. butter, 1tsp. soda, 1tsp. sugar, 1 tsp. lemon juice, 2 large eggs, 2 c. brown sugar, 1c. dried fruit, 1 c. nuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second quart, if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If fruit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one spoon of brown sugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour whole mess into the oven and bake. Check the rum again, and bo to ged.

Christmas Jokes

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!

What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.

Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
Deery Queen

Why are a lion at the beach and Christmas alike?
Because the lion has sandy claws.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.

What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold.

Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone.

What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude"olph

How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open till Christmas!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull...!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avery
Avery who?
Avery merry Christmas!

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells, Jungle Bells..!

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else!

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?
Grave-y!

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D"!

Who delivers cats' Christmas presents?
Santa Paws!

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Black mail!

Two brothers we are, belonging to Santa, Great burdens we bear by which we are bitterly pressed; The truth is to say we are full all the day And empty when we go to rest. What can we be?
Santa's boots.

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

Jack: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer 'Olive'?
Jill: Olive?
Jack: Yeah, you know,"Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."

One Christmas, I got a battery with a note saying "toy not included". . .

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