Laugh Lines, Love Lines


Wesley: I am not a sheep!
Cordelia: You are such a sheep. You've never had a single opinion you didn't read in a book.
Wesley: At least I've opened a book.
Cordelia: Oh don't even try with the snooty, Wooly Boy. I was top 10 percent of my class!
Wesley: What class? Advanced bosoms?

Cordelia: We were just discussing whether or not we should offer to pay Gunn.
Angel: No you weren't.
Wesley: Well, our discussions tend to go about 3 minutes, then it's strictly name calling and hair pulling.

Cordelia: No think! Pay. That's an order.
Angel: Hey. How about we pretend that you work for me.
Cordelia: You are really unpleasant when you --
Angel: Then why don't we pretend that you don't.
Cordelia: You can't fire me. I'm Vision Girl.

Cordelia: Stop moving.
Angel: I'm not.
Cordelia: Well then stop breathing.
Angel: I can't breathe.
Cordelia: Then ... stop flexing your manly boob muscles or whatever.

Wesley: That's an ugly looking wound.
Angel: Doesn't feel pretty either.

Wesley: We should definitely approach this girl with caution. I guess you already figured that out.

Angel: We gotta find out everything we can about her.
Cordelia: Like, oh, say, her name?
Angel: I was impaled at the time.

Angel: Do you know how hard it is to think straight with a rebar through your torso?
Cordelia: Actually, I do. Benefits of a Sunnydale education.

Angel: She said she was staying with a friend.
Cordelia: Well, that narrow it down to people who have friends. Where do we keep that list?

Angel: She's just a girl.
Cordelia: Just a girl that could kill your ass by blinking.

Gunn: You call; I come. Loaded for bear. Ready for battle. Somethin' else that starts with "B."

Gunn: Isn't this the thing? Some the kids in my camp put it together for me. Thought I might get the chance to stick it in somethin' tonight.
Cordelia: Men are all alike.

Gunn: Fair Cordelia. You still savin' my life?
Cordelia: Every minute.
Gunn: How's that workin' out?
Cordelia: You're alive aren't you?

Gunn: You got it. But if I come back here on the end of a spatula, I'm expectin' some serious workman's comp.

Angel: I'm going to bed. S'been a long day.
Cordelia: You've been up for three hours.

Angel: Well?
Cordelia: Top of the middle of the day to you, too.

Cordelia: No leads worth mentioning. Of course, we lost a little time during my 45 minutes of sleep. Good thing I left clothes here, or you'd be smelling me even now.

Cordelia: You shouldn't worry. Angel does this kind of thing all the time.
Bethany: Makes tea?
Cordelia: Helps people. You know, he helps people with problems.
Bethany: So what's wrong with you?
Wesley: Where to begin.

Bethany: She'll just think I'm crazy.
Angel: Are you?
Bethany: What?
Angel: Well, if you are, you know, crazy, I just think things will go smoother if I know up front.

Cordelia: There's something. She's got a vibe. I'm getting a vibe. She's vibe-y.
Wesley: I didn't notice a vibe.
Cordelia: Well, all evidence to the contrary, Wes, but you're not a woman.

Angel: You ever done it on purpose?
Bethany: Course not.
Angel: You never thought, "Man, that remote's too far away and I'd have to get up..."

Cordelia: You're sure nothing's broken?
Wesley: I'm sure.
Cordelia: Nothing at all? Say, your brain?

Cordelia: What happened to "approach her with caution"?
Wesley: Would've given her time to get her defenses up.
Cordelia: She wouldn't be crying, you wouldn't be bruising, and Angel wouldn't have had a near Melba toast experience. What did you say to her?

Wesley: Statistically speaking, the father was the best guess.
Cordelia: There's not enough yuck in the world.

Angel: You're gone.
Cordelia: You can't fire Wesley! I'll quit, too! Unless you're firm.

Bethany: I feel safe up here.
Angel: Yeah. You did pick the one room in the house that may collapse to feel safe in.

Bethany: People are pathetic.
Angel: I don't know. I kinda like 'em. Time I've lived, I've seen some horrors, scary behavior, couple fashion trends I constantly pray to forget, but I see people try. I see them try to do better.
Bethany: You sound like an old guy.
Angel: Oh, you know, I'm very well-preserved.

Angel: I was having a nightmare.
Bethany: Looked like a pretty happy dream. Maybe the covers were just rumpled.

Bethany: I've done stuff. I can make you happy.
Angel: You wouldn't like me when I'm happy.

Angel: You want to make love, but you don't want to be touched.
Bethany: Make love? What, are you from the 18th century?

Bethany: Right. You love the people. You love them so much, you've got a hundred rooms to be alone in.

Gunn: Knock, knock! See this works great. You break; I enter.

Gunn: I'm still dealing with this man's ugly-ass living room set. Some people just shouldn't have money.

Gunn: Are you offering to pay me for helping you?
Angel: Yeah.
Gunn: Cool.

Gunn: You're a very graceful man. Have I ever mentioned that?

Cordelia: The thing about Angel? He's old-fashioned. OLD-fashioned. Like, the Age of Chivalry.

Cordelia: Those guys are better off squashed, I truly think. But, somewhere in that moment of panic, a decision got made and I don't want the same thing to happen to my friends. Or -- and I can't stress this enough -- me.

Bethany: So, are you and Angel?
Cordelia: Oh, no. I like my men less broody and more spendy.

Cordelia: Bethany!! You can squash those guys!!

Lilah: He's a vampire, you know.
Bethany: Weird.

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