Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Buffy Spin-off
10. In the series premiere the main character fails to save the world; the rest of the season consists of a black screen.
9. Killer keeps saying, "I know what you had for lunch."
8. When the dead guy's hand reaches up from the grave, all it wants is a "high-five".
7. Instead of horns, the demon has a really frightening sombrero.
6. Joe Pesci plays an undead mob boss "Whack-ula".
5. The main plot involves a guy with allergies stuck on island inhabited by fluffykitties.
4. Victims keep screaming, "Please kill me -- this show sucks."
3. Terrifying zombie looks suspiciously like Keith Richards.
2. You've seen more blood during a haircut at Supercuts.
1. It's just like "Scream", without all the really scary crap.
Buffy's Top Ten Pet Peeves
10. Everyone telling her she looks like "that Kendall from All My Children"
9. Monsters that won't just die(!) already(!)
8. The way no bad guy plots involve increasing the world's supply of chocolate
7. That being the "Chosen One" doesn't get her out of parking tickets
6. People who emphasize the second syllable in her name
5. Telemarketers (Seriously, guys, if we wanted your services, WE would call YOU!)
4. The way fighting the undead often results in a huge dry-cleaning bill
3. The nagging suspicion that Angel is cuter than she is
2. She's still waiting on that copy of The Slayer Handbook
1. Splinters
Top Ten Rejected Buffy-verse Villains
10. The Ticketmaster
9. The Masked Philbin
8. Anwar, the cabbie who won't break Angel's twenty
7. Ginger Vitis
6. Zsa Zsa Ga-Bear
5. Dr. Badvibes
4. Ennui-zer
3. The Donald and his Combover of Doom
2. Captain Grammar
1. Lactose-Intolerant-Man
Top Ten Things To Do Now That Buffy Isn't On
10. Brood.
9. List reasons why most of the current television programming is so bad. (Have plenty of paper on hand.)
8. Study martial arts, just in case you're ever Chosen.
7. For one entire day each week, speak only lines that have been said on BtVS.
6. Keep the show alive by writing fanfiction or "virtual episodes."
5. Wait impatiently for the next Joss Whedon project.
4. Avoid watching The WB at all cost, since they'll only wind up canceling popular, critically-acclaimed shows.
3. Use the word "slay" whenever you can.
2. Ask everyone you meet if they'll be your Watcher.
1. Spend time looking for ways you can save the world and/or right wrongs.
Top Ten Signs You're Not Angel
10. You haven't been betrayed by anyone in the last week.
9. You're in little danger of being blackmailed into running an evil law firm.
8. The coolest device at your disposal is a staple remover.
7. You do good deeds only for yourself.
6. You don't own a single black leather coat.
5. You're a vegetarian.
4. You're not threatened, shot at, beaten up or chased on a regular basis.
3. The only thing haunting you is a bad credit history.
2. You can sing.
1. You are happily involved in a relationship.
Top Ten Rejected Ways to Die in the Buffy Series Finale
10. Giant catapult that flings victim into orbit
9. Exploding toilet
8. Pop rocks and soda
7. Really, really, really big paper cut
6. Beaten to death with chair by a hillbilly on "Jerry Springer"
5. Assassinated by John Wilkes Booth
4. Crunched between fantastically strong thighs of Ms. Suzanne Somers
3. Running with scissors
2. Character gets amnesia. Forgets to breathe
1. Old age
Top Ten Dumb Guy Complaints About Angel
10. "Oh, no. Not another show about a vampire with a soul"
9. "Not enough car chases and banjo music"
8. "I expect something, you know, more angelic"
7. "It's clearly not real... is wrestling on?"
6. "My name is Stu -- how come there aren't any demons named Stu?"
5. "Where the heck is Roma Downey?!"
4. "Five seasons and not a single cartoon"
3. "Couldn't focus on the show -- kept thinking about how I blew all my money on the Giants"
2. "I kept trying to talk to Fred, but she ignored me like she's 'all that'"
1. "I haven't seen it yet: vampires is scary!"
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Becoming A Vampire
10. Would Buffy date me?
9. Would being a vampire require me to leave the house?
8. Does my auto insurance cover the undead?
7. What if I got stuck with a lame vamp face?
6. Am I yet another man in his 40s reacting to a mid-life crisis by becoming a vampire?
5. Exactly how many Slayers are there now?
4. Cape, or no cape?
3. Am I really ready to give up mirrors?
2. Is there a dental plan?
1. Do I look good in black?
off-site top tens
@ BtVS Humor Page
@ To Shanshu in LA (Archived)
@ HellMouth Central (Archived)
