Top Ten Words Considered to Complete The Phrase "Buffy the Vampire ____"
Top Ten Rejected Buffy-verse Plots
10. Unexpected repercussions from Xander's fraudulent tax returns
9. Blatant ripoff of the last Indiana Jones film
8. The bad guys frame Buffy by hiding overdue library books at her place
7. Faith and Cordelia? Twins separated at birth
6. Angel has a son ... sorry, that's one that *should* have been rejected
5. New character: JoJo the vampire chimp
4. Lengthy slapstick fight scene inspired by The Three Stooges
3. Buffy becomes a vampire (well, rejected by the show but embraced by nearly every fanfiction writer)
2. A raw look into the dark, dangerous world of photocopier repair
1. In the final episode, everyone winds up serving time in jail
Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Buffy Spin-off
10. In the series premiere the main character fails to save the world; the rest of the season consists of a black screen.
9. Killer keeps saying, "I know what you had for lunch."
8. When the dead guy's hand reaches up from the grave, all it wants is a "high-five".
7. Instead of horns, the demon has a really frightening sombrero.
6. Joe Pesci plays an undead mob boss "Whack-ula".
5. The main plot involves a guy with allergies stuck on island inhabited by fluffykitties.
4. Victims keep screaming, "Please kill me -- this show sucks."
3. Terrifying zombie looks suspiciously like Keith Richards.
2. You've seen more blood during a haircut at Supercuts.
1. It's just like "Scream", without all the really scary crap.
Top Ten Titles for Episodes We Didn't Want to See
8. The Rebuke
4. The Bureaucrat
2. True Disdain
Buffy's Top Ten Pet Peeves
10. Everyone telling her she looks like "that Kendall from All My Children"
9. Monsters that won't just die(!) already(!)
8. The way no bad guy plots involve increasing the world's supply of chocolate
7. That being the "Chosen One" doesn't get her out of parking tickets
6. People who emphasize the second syllable in her name
5. Telemarketers (Seriously, guys, if we wanted your services, WE would call YOU!)
4. The way fighting the undead often results in a huge dry-cleaning bill
3. The nagging suspicion that Angel is cuter than she is
2. She's still waiting on that copy of The Slayer Handbook
Top Ten Rejected Buffy-verse Villains
10. The Ticketmaster
9. The Masked Philbin
8. Anwar, the cabbie who won't break Angel's twenty
7. Ginger Vitis
6. Zsa Zsa Ga-Bear
5. Dr. Badvibes
3. The Donald and his Combover of Doom
2. Captain Grammar
Top Ten Things To Do Now That Buffy Isn't On
9. List reasons why most of the current television programming is so bad. (Have plenty of paper on hand.)
8. Study martial arts, just in case you're ever Chosen.
7. For one entire day each week, speak only lines that have been said on BtVS.
6. Keep the show alive by writing fanfiction or "virtual episodes."
5. Wait impatiently for the next Joss Whedon project.
4. Avoid watching The WB at all cost, since they'll only wind up canceling popular, critically-acclaimed shows.
3. Use the word "slay" whenever you can.
2. Ask everyone you meet if they'll be your Watcher.
1. Spend time looking for ways you can save the world and/or right wrongs.
Top Ten Things The Master Did Not Do
10. The hokey-pokey
9. Step aerobics
8. Jack Nicholson impersonations
7. Hang ten
6. Get his navel pierced
5. Shake his booty
3. Bungie jump
2. Say, "1-2-3-4, I declare a thumb war"
1. Smile :-)
Top Ten Signs You're Not Angel
10. You haven't been betrayed by anyone in the last week.
9. You're in little danger of being blackmailed into running an evil law firm.
8. The coolest device at your disposal is a staple remover.
7. You do good deeds only for yourself.
6. You don't own a single black leather coat.
5. You're a vegetarian.
4. You're not threatened, shot at, beaten up or chased on a regular basis.
3. The only thing haunting you is a bad credit history.
2. You can sing.
1. You are happily involved in a relationship.
Top Ten Rejected Ways to Die in the Buffy Series Finale
10. Giant catapult that flings victim into orbit
9. Exploding toilet
8. Pop rocks and soda
7. Really, really, really big paper cut
6. Beaten to death with chair by a hillbilly on "Jerry Springer"
5. Assassinated by John Wilkes Booth
4. Crunched between fantastically strong thighs of Ms. Suzanne Somers
3. Running with scissors
2. Character gets amnesia. Forgets to breathe
1. Old age
Top Ten Dumb Guy Complaints About Angel
10. "Oh, no. Not another show about a vampire with a soul"
9. "Not enough car chases and banjo music"
8. "I expect something, you know, more angelic"
7. "It's clearly not real... is wrestling on?"
6. "My name is Stu -- how come there aren't any demons named Stu?"
5. "Where the heck is Roma Downey?!"
4. "Five seasons and not a single cartoon"
3. "Couldn't focus on the show -- kept thinking about how I blew all my money on the Giants"
2. "I kept trying to talk to Fred, but she ignored me like she's 'all that'"
1. "I haven't seen it yet: vampires is scary!"
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Becoming A Vampire
10. Would Buffy date me?
9. Would being a vampire require me to leave the house?
8. Does my auto insurance cover the undead?
7. What if I got stuck with a lame vamp face?
6. Am I yet another man in his 40s reacting to a mid-life crisis by becoming a vampire?
5. Exactly how many Slayers are there now?
4. Cape, or no cape?
3. Am I really ready to give up mirrors?
2. Is there a dental plan?
1. Do I look good in black?
Ten More Questions To Ask Yourself Before Becoming A Vampire
10. Wait, am I confusing "vampire" and "umpire"?
9. Have television and movies given me an accurate depiction of the lifestyle?
8. Am I supposed to tip my sire?
7. Would I make a better Angel or Edward?
6. Do I have a fear of the dark? Confined spaces? Fire? Sharp wooden objects? Blood?
5. Seriously, am I in that much of a hurry to die?
4. Is there a union?
3. Have I considered all of the undead options?
2. Is the vampire craze on its way out?
1. What the heck am I doing?
Top Ten Signs Giles Has Been Working Too Hard
10. People keep having to tell him, "Hey, you forgot to take the hanger out of your coat."
9. "Translates" everything into Pig Latin
8. Gives orders to have himself followed
7. Officially changed his name to R.Gi
6. At McDonald's, he orders Big Mac, fries and drink separately instead of taking advantage of the extra value meal
5. Was overheard commenting favorably on current popular music
4. Thought The Dukes of Hazzard movie was a good idea
3. Instead of a blazer, he often wears a lovely pink bathrobe
2. Just sits around the library, tearing pages out of the books and eating them
1. When explaining things, he avoids rambling exposition
Archived Top Tens
Laugh Lines, Love Lines is a rusted-crush.com production. This completely unofficial, fan-run website is a display of admiration, and we gratefully acknowledge the sources that have helped make this site and this layout possible. No infringement of any kind is intended. Got questions? Check the F.A.Q for F.G.A (Frequently Given Answers).