Xander: I wish I had something food like to offer you guys, but the hot plate's out of commission.
Anya: We think the cat peed on it.
Xander: We do have Spaghetti-o's. Set them on top of the dryer and you're a fluff cycle away from lukewarm goodness.
Riley: I, um, had dryer food for lunch.
Xander: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell. They have one bedrooms, right?
Xander: Incompetently dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.
Buffy: See? Now with the flying kick, from a dead stop. What's powering it? Raw enthusiasm?
Riley: Hey Buff, maybe you oughta leave the work behind sometimes. You're not always on slayer duty, you know?
Buffy: It would drive you crazy if we were watching an army movie and they were all saluting backwards and invading all willy-nilly.
Willow: And this will be your hallway and we'll walk down this hall and say "La La, I'm on my way to Xander's."
Buffy: Just warning you, Xander? I probably won't be doing that.
Riley: Really? I will.
Anya: But you have references.
Xander: No. I have Albert which is me doing an important voice.
Xander: I brought my friends.
Realtor: I see.
Xander: They wouldn't always be around.
Willow: But we're clean. And quiet.
Anya: We can have the Scooby meetings in the living room. And Giles can explain the boring things...over there.
Riley: We like the ceiling fan.
Willow: Yes! It's very...you know, kind of old south.
Buffy: But without the unpleasant slavery associations.
Xander: I guess I'll start on that application. I think you'll like it. I've been told I have lovely penmanship.
Buffy: He ran away, huh?
Giles: Um, sort of more turned and swept out majestically, I suppose.
Giles: Well, I'm not dead or unconscious so I say Bravo for me!
Xander: So you bought the Magic Shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swinging chorus of the "We Told You So" symphony?
Giles: Toth.
Riley: What?
Buffy: He called you a toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron?
Giles: No. Toth is the name of the demon.
Buffy: Sophisticated. So I should discuss men's fashions with him before I chop his head off?
Buffy: The city dump. Where smells go to relax and be themselves.
Riley: People say they're recycling. They're not recycling.
Riley: What are you doing here, Spike?
Spike: Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who's set up a tea room over by the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing?
Buffy: Get *out* of here.
Dawn: Mom, I can stand in the hallway, right?
Buffy: She's watching us like a big freak!
Joyce: This must be my "two teenage girls in the house" headache. I thought it felt familiar.
Xander: Welcome to payback Mr. Evil-Plan-Face-Stealer. You take my life, you get my being fired absolutely free.
Xander: She's coming on to him!...Me!
Xander: He's too clean for one thing. And his socks are all matchy.
Xander: Let's see. Stuff only you and I know...Okay! On my seventh birthday I wanted a toy fire truck and I didn't get it and you were real nice about it and then the house next door burnt down and then real fire trucks came and for years I thought you set the fire. And if you did, you could tell me.
Xander: Oh! Every Christmas we watch Charlie Brown together and I do the Snoopy dance.
Xander: I woke up in a dump this morning.
Willow: Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It's more like a really nice...hovel.
Xander: It's a robot! It's an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me designed to do evil!
Willow: Uh-huh, or it's Toth.
Xander: Or it's Toth!
Xander: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
Willow: That's not true! Sometimes we all help to save you.
Xander: When I get to the pearly gates, I'm sure the guy's not gonna go, "Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection! Come on in."
Xander: He can take anything but he can't have her. I NEED her.
Willow: Really?
Xander: Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it.
Willow: I handled it fine.
Giles: I swear this time I know I had that locked.
Willow: You had a demon in a Xander-suit.
Giles: Oh dear lord.
Riley: Buffy, our Xander. Did he seem a little...
Buffy: He seemed kind of forceful, confident.
Willow: That's not Xander!
Giles: I said, oh dear lord.
Buffy: You always say that.
Giles: Well, it's always important.
Buffy: Can't this thing go any faster? Ultimate driving machine, my ass.
Buffy: We better get there soon. If Xander kills himself, he's dead... You know what I mean.
Buffy: What number am I thinking?
Riley: I don't think that's gonna do it.
Xander & Xander Double: Eleven and a half.
Buffy: Wrong. Oh! But see?
Xander: He can't be me. He's all fancy.
Riley: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone want to lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them?
[Everyone looks at him.]
Riley: Just me then.
Xander Double: We're completely identical.
Xander: Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over ... fingerprints!
Anya: Maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together and then, you know, slap them back together in the morning.
Giles: We just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.
Anya: Well, what do we do if it doesn't work?
Xanders: Kill us both, Spock!
Buffy: They're kind of the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
Riley: But she doesn't love me.
Xander: Not that I'm still into Buffy. Not that I ever was.
Riley: Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her it's like ... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content. Just knows, "This is the one..." But she doesn't love me.
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