Xander: I wish I had something food like to offer you guys, but the hot plate's out of commission.
Anya: We think the cat peed on it.
Xander: We do have spaghetti-o's. Set them on top of the dryer and you're a fluff cycle away from lukewarm goodness.
Riley: I, um, had dryer food for lunch.
Xander: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to hell. They have one bedrooms, right?
Xander: Incompetently dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.
Buffy: See? Now with the flying kick, from a dead stop. What's powering it? Raw enthusiasm?
Willow: And this will be your hallway and we'll walk down this hall and say "La La, I'm on my way to Xander's."
Buffy: Just warning you, Xander? I probably won't be doing that.
Riley: Really? I will.
Anya: But you have references.
Xander: No. I have Albert which is me doing an important voice.
Xander: I brought my friends.
Realtor: I see.
Xander: They wouldn't always be around.
Willow: But we're clean. And quiet.
Anya: We can have the Scooby meetings in the living room. And Giles can explain the boring things...over there.
Riley: We like the ceiling fan.
Willow: Yes! It's very...you know, kind of old south.
Buffy: But without the unpleasant slavery associations.
Xander: I guess I'll start on that application. I think you'll like it. I've been told I have lovely penmanship.
Buffy: He ran away, huh?
Giles: Um, sort of more turned and swept out majestically, I suppose.
Giles: Well, I'm not dead or unconscious so I say Bravo for me!
Xander: So you bought the Magic Shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up
for a swinging chorus of the "We Told You So" symphony?
Giles: Toth.
Riley: What?
Buffy: He called you a toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron?
Giles: No. Toth is the name of the demon.
Buffy: Sophisticated. So I should discuss men's fashions with him before I chop his head off?
Buffy: The city dump. Where smells go to relax and be themselves.
Riley: People say they're recycling. They're not recycling.
Riley: What are you doing here, Spike?
Spike: Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who's set up a tea room over by the next pile of
crap. What do you think I'm doing?
Xander: Welcome to payback Mr. Evil-Plan-Face-Stealer.
Xander: She's coming on to him!...Me!
Xander: He's too clean for one thing. And his socks are all matchy.
Xander: Let's see. Stuff only you and I know....Okay! On my seventh birthday I wanted a
toy fire truck and I didn't get it and you were real nice about it and then the
house next door burnt down and then real fire trucks came and for years I
thought you set the fire. And if you did, you could tell me.
Xander: Oh! Every Christmas we watch Charlie Brown together and I do the Snoopy dance.
Xander: I woke up in a dump this morning.
Willow: Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It's more like a really nice...hovel.
Xander: It's a robot! It's an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me
designed to do evil!
Willow: Uh-huh, or it's Toth.
Xander: Or it's Toth!
Xander: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
Willow: That's not true! Sometimes we all help to save you.
Xander: When I get to the pearly gates, I'm sure the guy's not gonna go, "Hey, what
a kick-ass comic book collection! Come on in."
Xander: He can take anything but he can't have her. I NEED her.
Willow: Really?
Xander: Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it.
Willow: I handled it fine.
Giles: I swear this time I know I had that locked.
Willow: You had a demon in a Xander-suit.
Giles: Oh dear lord.
Riley: Buffy, our Xander. Did he seem a little...
Buffy: He seemed kind of forceful, confident.
Willow: That's not Xander!
Giles: I said, oh dear lord.
Buffy: You always say that.
Giles: Well, it's always important.
Buffy: Can't this thing go any faster? Ultimate driving machine, my ass.
Buffy: If Xander kills himself, he's dead...you know what I mean.
Buffy: What number am I thinking?
Riley: I don't think that's gonna do it.
Xander & Xander Double: Eleven and a half.
Buffy: Wrong. Oh! But see?
Xander: He can't be me. He's all fancy.
Riley: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone want to lock them
in separate rooms and do experiments on them?
Xander Double: We're completely identical.
Xander: Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over ... fingerprints!
Anya: Maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together and then, you know, slap them back
together in the morning.
Giles: We just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.
Anya: Well, what do we do if it doesn't work?
Xanders: Kill us both, Spock!
Buffy: They're kind of the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
Riley: But she doesn't love me.
