Laugh Lines, Love Lines


Riley: Oh, yeah. Having the inside scoop on the administration's own bay of mutated pigs is definitely an advantage.
Willow: It's like you're blackmailing the government. In a... patriotic way.

Xander: Dinner is served. And my very own recipe.
Willow: Ooh, you pushed the button on the microwave that says "popcorn"?
Xander: Actually, I pushed "defrost", but Joyce was there in the clinch.

Xander: Let the vidfest begin.

Xander: Well, we got plenty of vid. And I'm putting in a preemptive bid for "Apocalypse Now", huh?
Willow: Did you get anything less heart-of-darkness-y?
Xander: "Apocalypse Now" is a gay romp. It's the feel-good movie of whatever year it was.

Xander: Don't worry. I got plenty of chick-and-British-guy flicks, too.

Xander: So, what you been doing? Doing spells? She does spells with Tara.
Oz: Yeah, I heard about that.

Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell. And then I do a spell by myself.

Willow: This isn't "Madame Butterfly", is it? Because I have a whole problem with opera.

Tara: Things aren't going very well.
Willow: No! This drama class is just... I think they're really just doing things in the proper way, and now I'm in a play, and my whole family's out there, and why is there a cowboy in "Death of A Salesman", anyway?

Buffy: But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no account hoodlums like you - hoodlums! Yes, I mean you and your friends, your whole sex, throw 'em in the sea for all I care, throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles. Men, with your groping and spitting, all-groin no-brain three billion of ya passin' around the same worn out urge. Men. With your ... sales.

Willow: I don't know why it's after me.
Buffy: Well, you must have done something.
Willow: No, I never do anything. I'm very seldom naughty.

Buffy: Why are you still in costume?
Willow: Okay, still having to explain wherein this is just my outfit.

Anya: It's exactly like a Greek tragedy. There should only be Greeks.

Buffy: Want some corn?
Xander: Butter flavor?
Buffy: New car smell.
Xander: Cool.

Xander: Well, thanks for making me have to pee.
Buffy: You don't need any help with that, right?
Xander: I got a system.

Xander: You know, a man's always after...
Joyce: Conquest?
Xander: I'm a conquistador.
Joyce: Are you sure it isn't comfort?
Xander: I'm a comfortador also.
Joyce: I do know the difference. I've learned about boys.
Xander: That's cool about you.
Joyce: It's very late. Would you like to rest for a while?
Xander: Um, yeah. I'd like you.

Xander: I didn't order any vampires.

Spike: Giles here is gonna teach me to be a Watcher. Says I got the stuff.
Giles: Spike's like a son to me.

Xander: You gotta have something. Gotta be with moving forward.
Buffy: Like a shark.
Xander: Like a shark with feet and... much less fins.
Spike: And on land.
Giles: Very good!

Giles: Come on, put your back into it. A Watcher scoffs at gravity.

Anya: I think this is going to be a very big year for vengeance.
Xander: But isn't vengeance kind of vengeful?
Anya: You don't want me to have a hobby.
Xander: Not a vengeance hobby, no. It's dangerous. People can't do anything they want. Society has rules and borders and an end zone.

Xander: Do you mind? I'm talking to my demon.

Anya: I'll be fine. I think I've figured out how to steer by gesturing emphatically.
[STARTS French speaking]

Snyder: Where are you from, Harris?
Xander: Well, the basement mostly.
Snyder: Were you born there?
Xander: Possibly.

Xander: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.

Spike: I've hired myself out as an attraction.
Giles: Sideshow freak?
Spike: Well, at least it's showbiz.

Spike: Haven't you figured it all out yet, with your enormous squishy frontal lobes?
Giles: I still think Buffy should have killed you.

Bald Man: I wear the cheese. It does not wear me.

Willow: Only at death's door over here. Look at Xander.
Xander: Got the sucking chest wound swingin'. I promised Anya I'd be here for her big night. Now I'll probably be pushing up daisies, in the sense of being in the ground underneath them and fertilizing the soil with my decomposition.

Anya: Quiet! You'll miss the humorous conclusion.
Giles: She's doing quite well.

Willow: It's like some primal... some animal force.
Giles: That used to be us.
Xander: Don't get linear on me now, man.

Giles: And try not to bleed on my couch, I just had it steam-cleaned.

Buffy: I think I need to find the others.
Tara: Be back before dawn.

Buffy: Mom?
Joyce: Oh, hi honey.
Buffy: Why are you living in the walls?

Buffy: How did the de-briefing go?
Riley: I told you not to worry about that. It went great. They made me Surgeon General.

Riley: We're drawing up a plan for world domination. The key element? Coffeemakers that think.
Buffy: World domination? Is that a good?
Riley: Buffy, we're the government. It's what we do.

Riley: Buffy, we've got important work here. A lot of filing, giving things names.

Intercom: The demons have escaped. Please run for your lives.
Adam: This could be trouble.
Riley: We'd better make a fort.
Adam: I'll get some pillows.

Buffy: Let her speak for herself. That's what's done in polite circles.

Tara: The Slayer does not walk in this world.
Buffy: I walk, I talk, I shop, I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the flood rolls back.

Buffy: That's it. I'm waking up.

Buffy: Are you quite finished. It's over, okay? I'm going to ignore you, and you're going to go away. You're really going to have to get over the whole primal power thing. You're not the source of me. Also, in terms of hair care, you really want to say, "What kind of impression am I making in the workplace?" 'Cause...

Willow: The first Slayer. Wow.
Xander: Not big with the socialization.
Willow: Or the floss.

Buffy: You know, you could have brought that up to us before we did it.
Giles: I did! I said there could be dire consequences.
Buffy: Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.

Joyce: I'm guessing I missed some fun?
Willow: The spirit of the first Slayer tried to kill us in our dreams.
Joyce: Oh. You want some hot chocolate?
All: Yeah!
Joyce: Xander?
Xander: Yes, what, Joyce? Uh, Buffy's mom?

Xander: Yeah, from now on, you keep your Slayer friends out of my dreams. Is that clear?
Willow: She's not good for the sleepin'.

Buffy: Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. I don't know where the hell that came from.

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