Laugh Lines, Love Lines

Real Me  

Dawn: Killing things with wood? Ooh, scary vampires -- they die from a splinter.

Buffy: We're just going to the magic shop. No school supplies there.
Dawn: Yeah, Mom, I'm not going to Hogwarts.
[She giggles at her joke till she notices Buffy looking annoyed and confused.]
Dawn: Geez, crack a book sometime.

Buffy: Suck up.
Riley: What? It's a nice outfit. Besides, "I'm here to violate your firstborn" never goes over with parents. I'm not sure why.

Dawn: Riley, my sister's boyfriend, is *so* into her. They're always kissing ... and groping. I bet they have sex!

Riley: I thought we had plans today?
Buffy: Plans? We planned plans?
Riley: Well, you said, "Come over tomorrow and we'll hang," and then I said, "Okay." Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan.

Riley: Oh, Slayer training.
Buffy: Slayer shopping, actually, but equally as important.

Buffy: Are you mad at me?
Riley: No, no, not at all. I'm plotting your death, but in a happy way.

Dawn: I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think it's 'cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word "newfangled" one time, so he's got to be pretty far gone.

Buffy: There's a lot of books on this list. Any of them come on tape? You know, read by George Clooney or someone cute like that?

Buffy: You put it in neutral again, huh?
Giles: I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I-- I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing. No, no, no, it's not working out.
Buffy: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?
Giles: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty.
Buffy: Little two-door tramp!

Giles: I was so at loose ends, I found myself searching for... some way of feeling more--
Buffy: Shallow?
Giles: Perhaps, as I am to act as your Watcher again, a modicum of respect might be in order.
Buffy: Do I haveta?

Dawn: Hey, there's Willow and Tara!
Giles: Ooh, they haven't seen my new car.

Dawn: They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than Slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. And then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs.

Willow: Buffy, you're developing a work ethic!
Buffy: Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that?

Buffy: But Giles said that it just was...
Willow: The hell with Giles!
Giles: I can hear you, Willow.

Buffy: What happened to "People gotta respect a work ethic"?
Willow: Other people, not me! There's a whole best-friend loophole.

Buffy: Judging by the bite-fest, I'd say it was more than one vampire.
Giles: I make it four at least.
Buffy: Look like someone's put together a new fang club.

Giles (about the magic shop): I bet the death-rate keeps the rent down.

Harmony: I wanna thank everybody for a really successful raid on the magic shop last night. Good job, minions!

Harmony: Brad, guess someone was feeling guilty for standing me up in the tenth grade.
Brad (to other vamps): I, I had to get her something. She sired me.
Peaches: Sire-whipped.

Harmony: What's your question?
Cyrus: When are we gonna do it?
Harmony: Eww! That's rude. I barely know you. And you're a minion.
Mort: He means the plan! When are we gonna do the plan?
Harmony: Ohhh! The plan!

Joyce: --you brought her to a murder scene.
Buffy: No, I didn't bring her to it, it ... just ... sorta came upon us. It's not like she saw the body or anything.
Joyce: Oh, well. That makes it all right then, doesn't it?

Dawn: Xander's so much cuter than anyone. And smarter, too. He totally skipped college, and got a job working construction. Which is so kind of... deep, you know? He builds things.

Joyce: Dawn, be good.
Xander: We will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from some guy. I don't know his name.

Willow: Somebody making you feel uncomfortable? Is it Xander? It's Xander, isn't it?
Tara: No, Xander's a sweetie.
Willow: It's Giles! It's 'cause he's British and doesn't understand about stuff.

Riley: So you want your mother to give you space to be a Slayer, and shield you from it at the same time?
Buffy: Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it.
Riley: I'm getting that.

Riley: Back to what I was saying before we were rudely attacked by nothing.

Riley: You're like her idol, Buffy.
Buffy: Her idol? I don't think so, unless you like to spill things on your idol's new leather pants, and--

Xander: You nut. Your mom loves you both equally. But if I'm wrong, I find money usually helps tip the scale. Slip Joyce a 10 or a 20 once in a while. Then we'll see who's the favorite.

Dawn (voiceover): He says I'm like a kid sister...
Xander (looking at the game board) : Here comes the judge!
Dawn (voiceover): ...but sometimes when he looks at me, I feel like he sees me as I am. As a woman.
[We see that Dawn has chocolate ice cream smeared all over her face.]

Anya: Crap! Look at this-- now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage.
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes, cash equals good.
Anya: Ooh! I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?

Harmony: They're not my buddies. They're my minions.
Xander: They're ... what now?
Harmony: Minions! You know, lackeys? They work for me.
[Xander starts to laugh.]
Harmony: What's so funny?!
Xander: What could be funny? Just, "Look out! It's a terrifying Harmony gang! Ooh!"

Dawn: Shut up!
Xander: Dawn, I'm handling this. Shut up, Harmony!

Xander: I'm afraid I don't feel like getting into another hair-pulling contest with you.
Harmony: You're the hair-puller, you big girl!

Anya: A Slayer's house should have more weapons lying around.

Buffy (laughing): Harmony has minions?
Xander: Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction.
Buffy: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just... Harmony has minions!
Xander: And Ruffles have ridges. Buffy, there's actually a more serious side to all this.
Buffy: I sure hope so, 'cause I'm having trouble breathing.

Harmony: What a total disaster. My first plan! I so wanted it to go well. Plus, I didn't even get to kill stupid Xander Harris! God, that was so embarrassing.

Spike: You look good.
Harmony: I feel good.
Spike: I remember.

Mort: I know who he is. He kills our kind.
Harmony: Oh yeah! [to Spike] What's up with that?
Spike (shrugs): Bloke's gotta have a hobby, don't he?

Harmony: I'm not gonna make the same mistakes you did. I've been doing my homework, reading books and stuff.
Spike: What, "Evil For Dummies"?

Spike: Look at you, all puffed up and mighty, thinking you're the new big bad. It's, uh... well, let's face it, it's adorable.

Harmony: I've found the real me, and I like her.
Spike: Hope you'll be very happy together.

Harmony: Buffy'll be dead by sunrise. I've got a plan.
Spike: Lemme guess. Snatch one of her friends, use 'em as bait, lead her into a trap. That sort of thing?
Harmony (bluffing): No! Much, much better one. [Spike is skeptical.] I'm not gonna tell you!

Spike: Best of luck. Let me know how this arch-villain thing works out for you.

Buffy: I mean, please, I would never have Harmony over even when she was alive.

Harmony: Once again, nice work, minionators!

Harmony: I trust you made our guest ... comfortable?
Mort (confused): You told me to chain her to a wall.
Harmony: Yeah, I know, I'm being, you know, sarcastic or whatever?

Dawn: Touch me and my sister's gonna kill you.
[The vampire smirks and pokes Dawn, laughing. Suddenly the point of a stake appears through him; he stops laughing and turns to dust.]
Buffy: Can't say she didn't warn him.

Harmony: So, Slayer. At last we meet.
Buffy: We've met, Harmony, you half-wit.

Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the Homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad, you suck.

Buffy: You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home.
Dawn: Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Buffy: Fine. I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night, that you got Anya hurt, invited a vampire in, got kidnapped...

Dawn: Anya's going to be okay, and Xander wasn't mad at me, so stuff mostly worked out.

Buffy: Giles, are you sure about this?
Giles: Why wouldn't I be?
Buffy: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer, have you ever run a store before?
Giles: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don't return.

Buffy: How bored WERE you last year?
Giles: I watched "Passions" with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

Buffy (to Dawn): Don't. Break. Anything. Just don't touch anything. What you're doing right now, not moving? Good. Keep doing that.

Dawn: She still thinks I'm little Miss Nobody. Just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise.

Quotes Index  

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