Laugh Lines, Love Lines

Magic Bullet  

Man: I'm too late, aren't I? For a room?
Lorne: Yeah, 'fraid so, Buckaroo. Singles, suites, even the mouse holes are triple-booked. I got pilgrims pitching pup-tents in the parking lot. Try saying that three times fast, and you'll get a sense of the day I'm having.

Man: I just want to be near her, you know? Saw her on the news last night. And I wanted to say thanks for making me feel--
[He breaks down in tears.]
Lorne: Hey, preachin' to the choir. I thought Our Lady of the Perpetual Seabreeze was the real deal till the divine Miss J walked right through that door and into my ass. Which is where my heart is. Physiologically.

Angel: How is it that you always know exactly what each person needs to hear?
Jasmine: Just look into their hearts. And sometimes, it's right on their face.
[She speaks to a man with a mustache.]
Jasmine: Señor...
Mexican Man: Si?
Jasmine (in Spanish): Your moustache provides you great strength and dignity.

Gunn: This close, then she pulled a Houdini.
Connor: What's a Houdini?

Angel: Fred gets to live until we understand why she rejected Jasmine's love.
Connor: Why would anybody reject love?
Gunn: Maybe 'cause she has a history of doing that.

Shopkeeper: I'm a new man. I-I used to be obsessed with mind control. I read everything I could get my hands on.
Fred: And you don't believe in it anymore?
Shopkeeper: I believe. I just don't worry about it anymore.
Fred: So, you don't worry that it's possible for someone to send out a biological or electronic trigger that effectively overrides your own sense of ideals and values, and replaces them with an alternative coercive agenda that reduces you to little more than a mindless meat puppet?
Shopkeeper: Wow. People used to think that *I* was paranoid... I mean, don't get me wrong. I still got the implants in my head. C.I.A. is still listening in. It just doesn't bother me anymore. Instead, I--I beam Jasmine's love up to their satellite, you know? Share the love with those M.K. Ultra bastards.
Fred (sarcastically): That'll teach 'em.

Angel: How old were you when you realized you could track like this?
Connor: I don't know. Five, six. We didn't exactly celebrate birthdays in Quor-Toth. Holtz made up a game so I could practice.
Angel: What, do you mean he'd hide things for you to find?
Connor: Kind of. He'd tie me to a tree and then run away.

[Jasmine listens to a recording of herself.]
Jasmine: I sound like the prologue to one of those movies about magickal dwarves.
Gunn: Hobbits. And you watch movies?

Lorne: You know what they say about people who need people.
Connor: They're the luckiest people in the world.
Lorne: You been sneakin' peeks at my Streisand collection again, kiddo?

Demon: I eat fish and occasionally vermin, but that's it, I swear! You believe me, don't you?
Fred: You're still breathing, aren't you?
Demon: More like hyperventilating. You scared the cream cheese outta me.

Fred: Sit down! Any monkey business, and I'll chop you down like a cherry tree.

Wesley: Consider her armed, dangerous, and quite possibly insane. Don't let her grace or gentle beauty fool you. Winifred Burkle is a monster, a siren hoping to lure you away from Jasmine and onto the rocks of heresy and destruction.
Gunn: Amen to that.

Old Woman (giving her testimony): I have thirty-seven cats, and I've just changed all their names to Jasmine.

Demon: Do you want to live in a dirt hole?
Fred: No.
Demon: Then why the hell do you think that I live in a dirt hole?!
Fred: You're a demon.
Demon: I'm an executive demon, thank you very much. I had an office and an assistant and a beautiful porcelain cup for my tea. Now I live in a dirt hole because of those freakin' Jasmaniacs and their demon jihad!

Lorne: I can't believe little old Fred managed to sway Angel back to the dark side.
Gunn: Evil, not evil, evil again... wish he'd make up his mind.

Angel: But it could, right? I mean, stranger things have happened.
Fred: Like Cordelia giving birth to a beautiful ebony goddess?

Connor: Where are those people?
Jasmine: I ate them.
Connor: Cool.

[Lorne tries to blend in.]
Lorne: Hey, I'm praisin' Jasmine. How 'bout you?
Woman: Yeah!
Lorne: Ha ha. Okay ... [To himself] ... Tonight, the role of Judas Iscariot will be played by Krevlorneswath of the Deathwok Clan.

Angel: I don't know yet, but what I do know is I'm not leaving this hotel without my son.
Wesley: I'll get him. I've kidnapped him before.

Connor: I'll kill you!
Angel: It'll pass.
Lorne: Yeah, right, 'cause lord knows, he's never tried that before.

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