Laugh Lines, Love Lines


Emil: It comes down to trust. There's no Better Business Bureau for what we do. Customer complaints are dealt with through killing, torture, beating ... sometimes fire. We call it "word of mouth advertising."
Wesley (unimpressed): If I'd known this was going to be a seminar, I'd have worn my name tag.

Fred: What we've got here is a modification of the TS-113 Sniper Rifle. We've altered its targeting and firing mechanisms to fit the parameters you gave us. Scope works along amplified thermal wavelengths.
Emil: God... You are making me so hot right now.
Fred: Wow. Turned on by a woman holding an enormous gun. What a surprise.

Angel: What the hell was Fred doing there in the first place?
Wesley: I needed someone who could explain the weapon convincingly.
Angel: Nobody else here knows how to explain a gun?

Eve: But she's okay. And you're still beating him up.
Angel: He can be careless.
Eve (pointedly): Focuses too much on the big picture? Overlooks the people involved?
Angel: Something like that.

Angel: I just want to be kept informed. That's all.
Eve: Is it? Or are you worried about the next time Wesley betrays you trying to "do the right thing"?

Fred: They gave me the all clear.
Wesley: I was just coming down to find you.
Fred: Though I do have to take a boatload of antibiotics. Apparently, there's some concern about where that grappling hook's been.

Fred: Listen to you. You're blaming yourself because poor Fred got hurt. Stop trying to be all valiant - you're coming off like a self-pitying child.
Wesley (looking past her): Hello, Father.
Fred: Oh, yeah, that's mature. Well, I wish I was your father. I'd tell you to grow up.
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: It doesn't work. I've tried.

Wesley: Are you saying the council wants me to come back?
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: Not necessarily. Your name's proven to be a point of contention. There are some who believe that your tenure as watcher ranks as our most embarrassing failure.
Wesley: Really. I beat out everybody dying in an explosion as most embarrassing failure.

Wesley: Lorne runs our entertainment division.
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: Entertainment division. Well, I can see how that would be very useful in the fight against evil.
Gunn: You'd be amazed at how many horrible movies we've stopped.

Fred: This thing really blurs the line between human and robot.
Spike: A HA! So you're not ruling out that a human being could've boffed a robot ... Sex with robots is more common than most people think.

Wesley: Everyone, I'd like you to meet my father, Roger Wyndam-Price.
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: Hello.
Spike: Daddy, eh? I always thought Wesley was grown in some sort of greenhouse for dandies.

Spike: You've heard of me?
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: No. We've met. 1963. My colleagues and I fell upon you slaughtering an orphanage in Vienna. Killed 2 of my men before you escaped.
Spike: Oh... how've you been?

Angel (holding out his hand): I'm Angel. Pleasure to meet you.
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: Do you really expect me to shake that?
Angel: I'm not real comfortable with hugging.

Angel: I realize this may be somewhat of a horror show to you. But I hope you can keep an open mind. We really are doing good work here.
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: So I'm told. Incessantly, in fact.

Fred (to Wesley): We were wanting you to decipher it before we went digging around in there. Wesley handles this sort of stuff for us all the time. He's a genius when it comes to languages.
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: Oh, the academy didn't make him head boy for nothing... Mind you, as I recall, the pickings were a bit slim that year.

[Wesley accidentally activated a bomb.]
Knox: Do you see a trip mechanism?
Wesley: You mean the one I just tripped?

Wesley: Get everyone out of here. We have to evacuate the entire building!
Spike (starts to leave, then stops): Wait. What the hell am I worried about?

Angel: What happened?
Spike: I can explain. Apparently, when Percy here was younger, he used to be known as "head boy."
Angel: Yeah. I already knew that.
Spike: Right. I have nothing else to report.

Wesley: I was hoping to enlist your expertise in some research.
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: Oh, no. You're not going to try and blow me up again, are you?
Wesley: Probably not.
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: Well then, my expertise is yours.

Wesley: You want to talk about me. All right. The last girl I was with I had to chop into little tiny pieces because a higher power saw fit to stab her in the neck.
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: You don't want to discuss it. Fine. But spare me the sarcasm. It's too embarrassing.

Spike: Are you worried that ol' Spike might be bustin' loose of your shackles?
Eve: What are you talking about?
Spike: Save the innocent act. Your here-to-help cheerleader routine may work on Angel, but I see right through it. There's more to you than you're letting on.
Eve: Could say the same for you.

Spike (after the lights go out): I know what this is. YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME TO HELL, PAVAYNE! (The lights come back on.) Oh ... well, that's just something I say ... when, it gets dark.

(Wesley attacks a cyborg.)
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: What do you think you're doing? I had attack priority.
Wesley: We're not fencing!
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: We still follow the basic rules.

Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: In my days we fought werewolves, vampires, the occasional swamp man. And now we have protohuman cybernetic chain fighters.
Wesley: Yes, well, times are more complicated.

Mr. Wyndam-Pryce (referring to Angel): That creature is more dangerous to mankind than you realize.
Wesley: You're wrong about him. He's not what you think.
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: He's a puppet. He always has been. To The Powers That Be, to Wolfram & Hart ... Now he's ours.

Wesley: I don't know why you're doing all this, but did you ever once consider there might be another way? Did you ever once consider talking to me about it?
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: No - you've failed me enough for one lifetime.

Wesley: Tell me, father, what is it that galls you so, that I was never as good at the job as you? Or that I just might be better?
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce: Oh yes. This is Los Angeles. We have to talk about our feelings. Then maybe we'll hug.
Wesley: It's doubtful.

Angel: You know the worst part about losing your free will?
Wesley: Having no control over your body?
Angel: Well, there's that ... and you get really nauseous.

Angel: They're all trying to bring us down. The perception is that we're weak.
Wesley: No, the perception is I'm weak. That's why they went for me.
Angel: They're wrong. You do what you have to do to protect the people around you. To do what you know is right, regardless of the cost. You know, I never really understood that. You're the guy who makes all the hard decisions, even if you have to make 'em alone.

Spike: Heard what happened up top, offing your dad and all. Don't know if you know this, but I killed my mum. Actually, I'd already killed her, and then she tried to shag me, so I had to--
Wesley: Thank you. I'm ... very comforted.

Fred: Part of you knew. Even if you can't admit it to yourself, part of you knew it wasn't him.
Wesley: No. I was sure it was him. You were there. I killed my father.
Fred: He was threatening your friends.
Wesley: He was threatening you. He pointed a gun at you, Fred. So I shot him.

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