Laugh Lines, Love Lines

Into the Woods  

Willow: What time is it?
Xander: There's a clock on the wall behind you, Will.
Willow: I know - but your watch is right there above your hand.

Dawn: When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this...and Buffy would chase me around the house yelling "I'm the Slayer! I'm gonna get you!"
Anya: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will turn out badly.

Anya: Well, we could wager this time. You could give me real money. That would be different.
Xander: And after we teach her to gamble, maybe we could all get drunk.
Anya: I don't think they'd server her in a bar. But we could bring something in. Strawberry Schnapps tastes just like ice cream.

Xander: How about a movie? They're showing 'em in theaters now. I hear it's like watching a video with a bunch of strangers and a sticky floor.

Dawn: That's okay. You guys don't have to make a big deal for me. The only reason I'm sleeping over here is so Buffy and Riley can boink.
Xander: That's not it at all... they just need some time to... be tender... relax...
Anya: He's not very convincing.
Dawn: Yeah, 'Alone time' always translates into 'Get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud obnoxious sex.'
Anya: Does that mean we can't?

Joyce: You don't think it's too obvious? I think I look like I have a cat on my head.
Buffy: But a very well groomed cat.
Joyce: Well that's a comfort.
Buffy: I think it's fun. We can get you a whole bunch of different wigs. You can be like - Action Mom, Sixties Mom, French Maid Mom...

Buffy: Spike. Every time you show up like this, you risk all your parts - you know that?
Spike: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual I'm here to help you and are you naked under there?

Giles: And so it begins. No longer a victim of crass holiday commercialization - I am a purveyor of it.

Anya: Who ordered more chicken's feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all.
Xander: That' generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken.
Anya: I'm serious... Maybe we should do a holiday promotion - one free with every purchase.
Giles: Ah yes, what dear holiday memories. Joyful tykes by the fire, enjoying their new Christmas chicken feet.
Willow: Holding them close as they fall asleep, painting their tiny toenails...

Anya: Oh, yes. Very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon. I can just hear you in private: "I dislike that Anya. She is newly-human and strangely literal."
Willow: What? I don't say that. No one says that. No one talks like that.
Anya: There is nothing wrong with my idea, anyway. I have been very good for this store. If it wasn't for me, Giles would be a terrified old man staring at a quarterly tax statement and wetting himself.

Anya: Fine! Take her side instead of mine. Even though I'm the one who sleeps with you and feeds you and bathes you!
Willow: She bathes you?
Xander: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way. Not in a sponge-bathy, geriatric sort of-
Giles: Please. Stop. I beg of you.

Giles: Anya - will you mind the store?
Anya: Sure thing. Have a nice day. Don't get killed!

Xander: Guess everybody jumped ship when word got out that the Slayer found their crib. And let me just apologize for that use of the word crib.

Spike: Oh... man... you're really under it, aren't you?
Riley: What?
Spike: Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey...
Riley: Because you are.
Spike: Well - yeah! But that's not your problem. Even if I wasn't in the picture, you're never going to be able to hold onto her...

Spike: Girl needs some monster in her man, and it's not in your nature. No matter how low you try to go.

Riley: Do you actually think you've got a shot with her?
Spike: No, I don't. Fellow's gotta do what he can, though. Got to try.
Riley: You touch her, you know I'd kill you, for real.
Spike: I had this chip out, I'd a killed you long ago. Ain't love grand.

Spike: Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And then sometimes I think I've got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her... To be all alone even when you're holding her, feeling her, feeling her beneath you, surrounding you, the scent of -- no, you've got the better deal.

Xander: In your world, maybe. But where the people are this isn't the time for tales of Anya and Xander's Sexcapades.
Anya: Oh. Well, let's just go home and, y'know, have 'em.

Buffy: You are unbelievable! You're giving me an ultimatum?
Riley: I'm not. I-
Buffy: You are! You expect me to get over it now or you're gone!

Xander: So how'd that work out for you? Make you feel better?
Buffy: What are you doing here?
Xander: I thought you might need to talk. Then I saw you get into this skirmish... I was going to lend a hand - but you seemed to grow a few extra ones.

Buffy: I don't even know who he is! I mean he's... I thought Riley was dependable --
Xander: Dependable? What is he, State Farm?

Xander: I need to say something to you. I should have said it a long time ago. I mean, you may not even know... I love you, Anya, more every day. I love the way you see things. I love the way you work a cash register and how beautiful you are - and how amazingly sweet and crazy you can be at the same time...I can't imagine my days without you - and I wouldn't want to.

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