Laugh Lines, Love Lines

Five by Five  

Angel: Name Marquez?...Good. I hate saving the wrong guy.

Angelus: Can I take off this blindfold yet?
Darla: No.
Angelus: Can I take off something else?

Darla: Happy Birthday, Angelus.
Angelus: She's a gypsy.
Darla: I looked everywhere.
Angelus: What would I do without you?
Darla: Wither and die. But she's not just for you. I get to watch.

Angel: Next time they come after you, I'm not going to be there. And your friends aren't going to be there either -- not after being cut up and incinerated.

Cordelia: I knew it when you brought him in last night. Someone with that much body art is gonna have a different definition of civic duty.
Wesley: After we saved his life?
Cordelia: When was the last time you wrote a thank you card?

Cordelia: Wesley, you don't change a guy like that. In fact, generally speaking, you don't change a guy. What you see is what you get. Scratch the surface, and whaddya find? More surface.

Cordelia: What's Angel gonna do, drag a bunch of them in here to shove a soul down this guy's throat?
Wesley: He may be a ruffian. But he's already got a soul, and therefore, somewhere deep down inside, an urge to do what's right.
Marquez: No way, I'm gone.
Angel: Shut up and sit down.
Cordelia: I guess you're right Wesley. He's just like the Dalai Lama.

Angel: You're gonna have to face your demons some time.
Marquez: What if I don't want to face my demons?
Angel: Then you'll have to face mine.

Lindsey: I request a dismissal of all charges against my client, whose reputation has been irreparably damaged by these proceedings. He's a law-abiding and upstanding... citizen.
Angel: Your client really is. Except for that pesky drug dealing and murder stuff.

Lindsey: I hate failure when there's no one else to blame it on.

Cordelia: Unfortunately, we don't really do divorce cases. No, it's not about the money. Oh! It's about that much money! How soon can we meet?

Cordelia: How'd it go?
Wesley: We won.
Cordelia: Gang Guy testified?
Angel: Stood up and told the truth.
Cordelia: What did I tell you?
Wesley: That he never would.

Cordelia: You can always tell when he's happy. His scowl? Slightly less scowl-y.

Angel: Not everyone screams.
Darla: What?
Angel: When you kill 'em. Some just stand there, frozen. While others... .
Darla: What are you doing? Are we playing a game?
Angel: The children -- they usually scream.
Darla: Yes. They sound just like little pigs. Have you brought me some?

Angel: Funny. You'd think with all the people I've maimed and killed, I wouldn't be able to remember Every. Single. One.

Lindsey: To make a long story less long, I think for services rendered, we can get you off.
Faith: You don't know how many men have promised me that.

Cordelia: It's not the kind of case I'd normally go after, but we've got to consider the bottom line.
Angel: What kind of demons are we dealing with?
Cordelia: Well, it's not exactly a "demon thing."
Wesley: What kind of "thing" is it?
Cordelia: It's a ... kind of... husband-and-wife break-up thing.
Wesley: A divorce case?
Angel: You're kidding.
Cordelia: What's wrong with a divorce case?
Angel: It's not what we do.
Cordelia: According to the husband, the wife's a real witch.
Wesley: Seems a bit on the seedy side.
Cordelia: This is not seedy. He's in government.

Cordelia: Oh, and we should pick up the tab for lunch. Nothing says success less than splitting the bill.
Angel: I didn't bring any money with me.
Cordelia: Okay, Elvis, when you're a big star, you can get away without carrying cash.

Cordelia: And while we're on the subject, I think one of us should apply for a small business loan. Just to get us through the rough spots. I mean, what's a 30-year loan to you?

Faith: That was so cool! This is gonna be fun.
Wesley: Oh my god, Faith.
Angel: I thought she was in a coma.
Cordelia: Pretty lively coma.

Angel: Giles said she left Sunnydale about a week ago. Described her mental state as borderline psychotic.
Cordelia: That explains her outfit.

Wesley: This isn't right.
Cordelia: When a whacked out Slayer tries to kill your boss, it's very wrong.

Wesley: I meant Giles. Why didn't he give me the heads up? I was Faith's Watcher. When she came out of her coma, Giles should have contacted me immediately.
Cordelia: Maybe he was busy trying to keep her from, I don't know, killing everybody?

Angel: Make yourselves scarce. I don't want to give her any free targets.
Wesley: You've been targeted by a psychotic. I'm certainly not going to run and hide.
Cordelia: I like the plan where I'm scarce.
Wesley: We've got to band together. Strength in numbers.
Cordelia: Two's a number.

Wesley: It seems you're taking this personally.
Angel: She tried to shoot my own personal back, so yeah.

Wesley: She's not a demon. She's a sick, sick girl. If there's even a chance she can be reasoned with...
Angel: There was. Last year, I had a shot at saving her. I was pulling her back from the brink when some British guy kidnapped her and made damn sure she'd never trust another living soul.
Cordelia: Angel, it's not Wesley's fault that "some British guy" ruined your...oh wait. That was you. Go on.
Wesley: You don't need to.

Faith: Hey, baby. Come give us a hug.
Angel: I was hoping you'd stop by. Always good to see old friends.

Faith: You didn't shoot to kill! We're gonna have to up the stakes. Get you in the game a little.
Angel: What's the game, exactly, Faith? Boredom? Revenge?
Faith: Dude, I'm getting paid. They hate you almost as much as I do.

Angel: It ever occur to you this might be more fun for me?
Faith: Ya think? Cuz, what if you kill me? Experience that one true moment of pleasure. Oops! I'd get off on that. Go ahead. Do me. Let's take that hell ride together.

Angel: Where's Faith?
Lindsey: Should I know what you're talking about?
Angel: Your new employee.
Lindsey: It's a big firm. Tell you what I can do, I can give you the number to personnel, though. I'm sure they'd be glad to handle your problem.
Angel: You'd remember this one -- pretty, dark hair, kills things.

Angel: Too bad the body burned up before it hit the ground. I mighta needed a good lawyer.
Lindsey: I'm sorry. We only handle a certain class of clientele.
Angel: I'm sure I've killed enough people to qualify.

Lindsey: You know, just when I think I've got you figured out, you show up in a suit.

Wesley: A woman fitting Faith's description was involved--however, not arrested.
Cordelia: She charm her way out?
Wesley: No. Apparently, she managed to break a policeman's jaw with his own handcuffs before she disappeared into the night.
Cordelia: Oh. For Faith, that is charm.

Cordelia: Phantom Dennis, let us in. It's alright. It's only Wesley.
Wesley: Dennis your ghost, I presume?
Cordelia: Yes. He's jealous. [to Dennis] Don't worry, hell will freeze over before I have sex with him.
Wesley: Thank goodness for small favors.

Cordelia: I'm gonna pack a bag.
Wesley: Cordelia, please. Just a few things. We're not going on safari.

Faith: Don't poop out on me, dammit! Otherwise this is all just gonna be over too fast. You'll be dead, and I'll be...bored.

Faith: Now, we've only done one of the five basic torture groups. We've done blunt, but that still leaves sharp, cold, hot, and loud. Have a preference?

Faith: Oh, that's great. It's always better with audience participation. May I take your order please?
Wesley: I was your Watcher Faith. I know the real you. And even if you kill me, there's just one thing I want you to remember.
Faith: What's that, love?
Wesley: You...are a piece of shi-

Faith: Face it, Wesley, you really were a jerk. Always walking around like you had some great big stake rammed up your English Channel.

Faith: Admit it, Wesley, didn't you always kind of have the hots for me?

Faith: How do I know you're really in this? I mean, if I kill him, would that help? Or just be really funny?

Angel: By the way, you never told me how much I'm worth dusted, just out of curiosity.
Faith: $15,000 plus expenses.
Angel: You're kidding.
Faith: Hey, I'm young. I'm gonna work my way up.
Angel: You feel young, do you, Faith? You're looking pretty worn out to me.

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