Laugh Lines, Love Lines


Wesley: We're doomed.
Angel: Maybe we can make a break for it.
Wesley: Impossible.
Angel: Front exit?
Wesley: They'd spot us instantly.
Angel: Back door?
Wesley: Blocked.
Angel: That's it then. We're trapped.
Wesley: We might try shouting fire...It's not technically a crowded theater.

Angel: And I thought I knew eternity.

Cordelia: Angel? Was I good?
Angel: I wouldn't say it if I didn't think so.
Cordelia: Thanks! You didn't say it.

Angel: Hey, you know, it was a night in the theater I'll never forget.

Cordelia: I was working him all night, and he gave you his card?
Angel: He thought I had a quality.

Cordelia: She played Raven in "On Your Own." Big hit television show? It was only on for, like, 9 1/2 years. Do either of you even own a television?

Cordelia: It was a seminal show. Canceled by the idiot network. I was gonna picket them, but I didn't have any comfortable shoes.

Rebecca: Are you alright?
Cordelia: Oh, he's fine. It was such an honor to save your life, Miss Lowell.

Rebecca: Oliver, down. He doesn't know who I am.
Cordelia: He's culturally retarded that way.

Rebecca: Do you make a habit of this sort of thing, Angel?
Cordelia: Oh, it's only, like, his purpose in life. Angel's the Dark Avenger. Only not too dark. Happy dark!

Rebecca: Oh, God. Who called ET?
Wesley: Emma Thompson?

Cordelia: I'm in the picture.
Wesley: Where?
Cordelia: Right there.
Wesley: Where?
Cordelia: Right there. Next to Rebecca. That's my elbow!

Cordelia: Rebecca Lowell hasn't had a series since " On Your Own" was canceled. And that was almost a season-and-a-half ago!
Wesley: And they say there are no seasons in Los Angeles.

Cordelia: We have to use this now, before she's just another E! True Hollywood Story!

Rebecca: Can we talk?
Angel: Sure, right in here.
Rebecca (to her bodyguards): Stay.
Angel (to Wes & Cordy): Stay.

Rebecca: You're not fond of sunshine.
Angel: I'm a night person.

Rebecca: You never really saw even one single episode of "On Your Own"?
Angel: No.
Rebecca: Huh. Well, stop by. I'll give you a private screening of the episode I didn't win the Emmy for.

Cordelia: My first big connection in Hollywood, and you practically throw her outta the office. Haven't you ever heard of networking?

Cordelia: He can fight off donkey demons who rip people's guts out, but he can't help one defenseless actress from a psycho? What is your thing?!
Wesley: He likes her. He's afraid to get close.
Cordelia: 'Cuz of his curse? You'd have to get awfully close for that to kick in. In the meantime, you could be helping me.
Wesley: The person who needs help here is Miss Lowell.
Cordelia: Right! He could be helping us both. Think of the karma!

Cordelia: Oh no! Not now! Aah! What's this I see in my vision? Ooh! It's a figure. A woman! It's Rebecca. She's in danger. Terrrrible danger...Great. Just great. Because Mr. Distant has intimacy issues, I lose my brush with fame.

Angel: Cordelia, she's just a person.
Cordelia: Spoken like a true non-person.

Angel: I'm not what you think.
Rebecca: You're not? Because -- no reflection, dark private office, instantly knowing those letters weren't written in blood -- I guess what I would think is...vampire.
Angel: Then again...
Rebecca: Which is impossible. Bela Lugosi, Gary Oldman -- they're vampires.
Angel: Frank Langella was the only performance I believed.

Rebecca: Do you drink blood?
Angel: Yeah. But not people.
Rebecca: You're not a killer.
Angel: I gave that up.
Rebecca: Well, there's a support group for everything in this town, I guess.

Cordelia: Did he spend the night?
Wesley: One assumes.
Cordelia: Great, he spent the night with the fantasy of millions. All alone. "Protecting" her.
Wesley: You're worried about the curse. I wouldn't be.
Cordelia: Hey, you weren't around the last time Angel went mental. I, on the other hand, was on the first wave of the clean-up crew.

Cordelia: He knows perfect happiness. He goes evil. So don't tell me not to worry.
Wesley: Angel's moment of true happiness occurred because he was with Buffy. Do you realize how rare that is? True happiness? And what are the odds he'd find it with an actress.
Cordelia: What's that supposed to mean?
Wesley: I was...ah...I meant TV actress.

Cordelia: I owe it to that poor girl to see if he ended up chowing down on my one link to fame.

Angel: Cordelia. You're here. And...you brought a cross.
Cordelia: And along with three double half-caf non-fat skinny lattes.
Angel: And a cross.

Cordelia: Well, judging by the outfit, I guess it's safe to come in. Evil Angel never would have worn those pants.

Cordelia: So she went to lunch and just left you here to rummage through her things?
Angel: No. I told her I was a vampire and that daytime patio dining was out.
Cordelia: Did you just make a joke?

Rebecca: Suddenly, I'm nobody again.
Angel: Not according to these.
Rebecca: According to those, I've slept with Ernest Borgnine. And I'm bulimic.
Angel: I hear Borgnine's a very skilled lover.

Cordelia: You must have a ton of friends you could have asked.
Rebecca: Yes, but none of them would know what to buy a 200-year-old vampire as a thank-you gift.
Cordelia: Oh my God, he is impossible to buy for. What on earth does he need, more socks?

Rebecca: How did he become what he is?
Cordelia: Oh God, you got 8 hours?

Rebecca: Wow, it's sort of what you'd expect -- and sort of not.
Angel: There's no coffin.

Cordelia: I think I may have done something terrible. I went shopping with Rebecca.
Wesley: And that was terrible?
Cordelia: Huh? No! That was fantastic -- did you know they close off stores for her?

Wesley: You don't think...
Cordelia: What? That she'd try to maneuver Angel into an exchange of bodily fluids in order to make herself eternally young and beautiful thus saving her failing career? Gee, now that you mention it...

Rebecca: Cordelia says you've saved the world.
Angel: Couple times I helped. But I almost had it sucked into Hell once, too.

Angelus: Oh, God, I love this stuff. Wow! Remind me to get the name of your dealer before I kill you.

Angelus: In all my years, I never killed a famous person before. But with no witnesses, hey, who's going to believe me? Maybe we could take a picture. I know! We'll do it like we did back in the day. I'll keep your head on a stick as proof.
Rebecca: My head on a stick?
Angelus: Well, okay -- pike.

Angelus: Boy, you know, you could stand to lose a few pounds. Hey, I'll help you with that.

Rebecca: I just wanted to...
Angelus: Be like me? Hey, can't say I blame you. I'm one happy fellow.

Angelus: Tell you what. I'll torture ya for a few unbelievably long hours, and you can tell me if this is the lifestyle for you.

Rebecca: I may have given him something to help loosen him up. And now he's...
Cordelia: Loose?!?

Wesley: What did you give him?
Rebecca: Does it matter?
Cordelia: Well if he's all homicidal, I'm thinking YEAH!

Angelus: Name's Angelus.
Wesley: I don't wish to resort to drastic measures. But unless you listen to reason, I warn you...
Angelus: You're warning me? What happened, Wes? You suddenly grow a pair?

Angelus: Good news, Wes Old Boy! You don't have an inferiority complex. You're just simply inferior.

Cordelia: Why don't you just...just...
Angelus: Just just just just...Line! "Of course, a time will come...when Torvald is not as devoted...to me." You were really, let me tell you, bad.
Cordelia: Stop it.
Angelus: Why? You didn't. I mean, I've been to Hell, but that was so much worse.

Angelus: You had to be there. There wasn't a dry eye in the house, everybody was just laughing so hard.

Angelus: Here's a thought. Maybe you could get Raven here to coach you, then you'd actually suck.

Cordelia: Back off.
Angelus: What're you gonna do? Melt me?

Angelus: That's just drinking water.
Cordelia: Fresh from a mountain spring, delivered right to our door, then blessed every second Tuesday by Father Mackie, the local parish priest, while you're down in the bat cave sleeping through the better part of the day. Don't believe me? [throws the water] And the Oscar goes to...

Cordelia: Are you still evil?
Angel: I'm so sorry.
Cordelia: Can I get another reading on that line, please?

Angel: I need to apologize to both of you.
Wesley: There's really no need.
Cordelia: Uh, hello?

Angel: Cordelia...
Cordelia: Okay, here's something I never thought I would say to you: Wesley's right.

Cordelia: Angelus may not be the most relaxing company, but at least he's honest! Shouldn't I expect the same from the non-evil version of my friends?

Angel: So we're okay then?
Cordelia: I'm too big of a person to let something so petty get in the way of our friendship.
Angel: I appreciate that...You're not going to untie me, are you?
Cordelia: Pffft!

Angel: Wesley? Cordelia? Guys?

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