Laugh Lines, Love Lines

A New Man  

Willow: Guess you won't be killing anything tonight after all.
Buffy: Don't be so sure.

Anya: I'm bored. Let's eat.
Xander: Anya, we talked about this.
Anya: I'm sorry, that was rude. Please continue your story. Hopefully it involves treacle and a headmaster.
Giles: Go eat.

Buffy: Giles was the librarian at my high school.
Riley: Ah, I've seen the library. It's gone downhill since you left.

Buffy: Of course, you could smash in all my toes with a hammer and it would still be the bestest Buffy birthday bash in a big long while.

Giles: Perhaps we should have invited Professor Walsh to the party.
Buffy: Oh no. I mean, she's like forty. She's got better things to do than hang out with a bunch of kids.

Xander: That's my radio!
Spike: And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil.

Anya: What kind of place are you looking for?
Spike: I don't know. Maybe a crypt. Someplace, you know, dark and dank -- but not as dark and dank as this.
Anya: It's pretty depressing, isn't it?
Spike: I've known corpses with a fresher smell. In fact, I've been one.

Anya: Wait! I want to give you something for your new place.
Xander: That's my lamp.
Anya: A gift is traditional. I've read about it.
Xander: That's among friends. With bitter enemies we don't give them my lamp.

Walsh: So, the Slayer.
Buffy: Yeah, that's me.
Walsh: We thought you were a myth.
Buffy: Well, you were myth-taken.

Walsh: It's only our methods that differ. We use the latest in scientific technology and state-of-the-art weaponry, and you, if I understand correctly, poke them with a sharp stick.
Buffy: Oh, it's more effective than it sounds.

Walsh: I think you'll find the results of our operation most impressive. Agent Finn here alone has killed or captured--how many is it?
Riley: Seventeen. Eleven vampires, six demons.
Buffy: Oh. Wow. I mean that's... seventeen.

Riley: But you killed the... You did the thing with that... You drowned! And the snake?! Not to mention daily slayage of... Wow.
Buffy: It's no big, really. Hey, who wants ice cream?
Riley: Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. It turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse.

Giles: Once you get to know her, she's a very unique girl. I hope you're not going to push her--
Walsh: I think I do know her. And I have found her to be a unique woman.
Giles: Woman, of course. How wrong of me to choose my own word.

Willow: You know. I'm sure you know. Riley's... one of the commandos.
Giles: What?! Well that's marvelous, isn't it? Here I am, spent weeks trying to get a single scrap of information about our mysterious demon collectors and no one bothers to tell me that Buffy's dating one of them?! Who else knows?
Xander: No one. No one else knows...Anya and that's it.
Willow: And Spike.
Giles: Spike! Spike knew?!

Giles: Who am I kidding. Nothing is going to happen.
Ethan: I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that at all. In fact, Ripper-old mate, something rather interesting was about to happ--
Giles: Is someone...
Ethan: Oh bugger! I thought you'd gone!

Ethan: Brilliant! Now isn't this more fun than kicking my ass?
Giles: No.
Ethan: Oh. It's more fun for me.

Giles: You know what gets me? This is what gets me. Twenty years I've been fighting demons. Maggie Walsh and her nancy ninja boys come in; six months later, demons are pissing themselves with fear. They never even noticed me.
Ethan: Who's Maggie Walsh?
Giles: Oh, she's awful. She said I was an absent male role model. Absent my ass. I'm twice the man she is.

Giles: What am I? I'm an unemployed librarian with a tendency to get knocked on the head.

Buffy: I'm spending today with Riley.
Willow: Oh yeah, I forgot, that's what you always do on days when the Earth rotates.

Giles: Still asleep? It's 10:30 in the morning.

Spike: Well. What do I spy with my little eye? A demon. That would be--oh, right... the things I can kill.

Giles: You have to help me find him. He must undo this, and then he needs a good being killed.
Spike: And I'm supposed to just help you out of the evilness of my heart?

Willow: It stole Giles' car!
Xander: Why would a demon steal a car?
Anya: Why would a demon steal that car?

Giles: If you can't find third gear, don't try for third gear!
Spike: I'm doing my best. I don't know if I'm driving this thing or wearing it.

Giles: Do I have any special powers? Like setting things on fire with my sizzling eye beams?

Spike: Two of them. English like me, but older, less attractive.

Riley: Buffy, I can't take you with me.
Buffy: You're not taking me with you. I am going and I am letting you come along.

Spike: How ya feeling, mate?
Giles: Like snapping necks until everyone's dead.
Spike: Now that sounds like a Fyarl demon. Good for you.

Buffy: This is for Giles!
Giles: For me?

Ethan: I've really got to learn to just do the damage and get out of town. It's the stay and gloat--gets me every time.

Giles: How did you know it was me?
Buffy: Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can look that annoyed with me.

Giles: If you don't mind, I'm just going to go and watch them manhandle him into a vehicle.

Riley: You're really strong. Like, Spiderman strong.
Buffy: Yeah. But I don't stick to stuff. But, yeah.
Riley: And you're in charge. You're like, make the plan, execute the plan. No one giving you orders.
Buffy: I'm the Slayer.
Riley: I like it.
Buffy: Yeah?
Riley: But give me another, oh, week to get ready, and I'll take you down.

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